I was all excited for sexy time last night with Matt, especially since we haven't had sex since I went into labor on the 14th. But I got "shot down". Basically, Matt explained that it has become uncomfortable, and doesn't feel the same anymore. That things aren't "where they used to be". Add to this that I'm 24 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy and it's difficult for me to move rhythmically, so sex has become an exhausting task for Matt. PLUS his knees bother him and "doggie-style" doesn't feel the same for him now, so that's out the window now because it's not worth it.
So needless to say, the sexy vibe I started last night quickly fizzled away, and I ended up in tears. Matt was trying to be gentle about it, and didn't want to upset me. But honestly, telling a 9 month pregnant, hormonal woman that "sex just isn't the same anymore because you're body has changed so much" is bound to make any woman upset cry. So I got up, put on my underwear and shirt, and climbed into bed. I was semi-laying on Matt, and he decided to roll over away from me. I thought "great, he's mad at me now", so I rolled over and cried some more. My mind starting wondering about how my body has changed, and I can't move anymore or do what I used to, and I cried harder. I'm also afraid that my nether-regions won't be the same after Cael's birth, and sex won't be or feel the same for Matt or I, and that made me more upset.
Since I was so upset, I asked Matt if he would cuddle me until I fell asleep. He said, "Do you want me to?". He thought I was mad at him, and I thought he was mad at me, so I'm glad I asked him to hold me. He was asleep before me, and I laid in bed waiting for the Unisom to work and put me to sleep.
Now I'm waiting for Matt to come home from work to see if it will awkward between us. I just spoke to him on the phone a little while ago (there was an earthquake that hit the east coast), and he sounded fine. But who knows if it will be different between us in person when he comes home. Sure, we still do things sexually for each other, but it's just not the same. That's more for "fun" to put it nicely. But I want that intimate, close time with my husband that only sex can really provide.
That's one thing that has been on my mind lately. Another is work, and returning to work. I love where I work, and the people I work closely with, and what I do. I know I was meant to do ultrasound, and I really find joy in doing it. But honestly, I really don't miss being at work. I've been out of work for 8 weeks now - the longest time I've ever not worked since I was in ultrasound school - and I honestly don't miss it or crave to go back. And it's bothering me that I don't know why.
I actually told Matt last night that I wish we could afford for me to stay home from work, and not go back. His response? "Hey, that works for me! The laundry and dishes are done, so that's fine with me! Believe me, if I got a big enough raise, you're more than welcome to stay home." We laughed about it, but I never pegged myself for someone who would want to stay home. I worked so hard to get to where I am, and honestly love my profession. I feel like it would all be wasted if I gave up work.
Plus, I can't stop working because I carry the health insurance, and it's really good insurance. And with a new baby, we don't want to lose that. If I stay home though, we wouldn't have to pay the $630/month for daycare. Then Matt brought up the idea of me I working part-time, like on the weekends and Thursdays (his day off). This way we wouldn't need daycare.
I'm technically already considered part-time and not full-time, so I would just need to work 64 hours bi-weekly - which is 32 hours a week, and my benefits wouldn't change. But that works out to four 8-hour days, and the breast center doesn't have weekend hours for ultrasound. So that leaves me nowhere near where I would want to be. Especially since my hours would be cut, and we'd still have to pay for daycare for 4 days. I guess I'll just have to figure it out...if there is anything that even needs to be figured out. Plenty of moms work full-time and have time for their baby's, right?
Another thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how many children we will have in our family. And I know, this is by no means something that has to be decided now. I didn't even have Cael for crying out loud.
From the start, Matt and I didn't want any kids at all. We both come from larger families - he's the oldest of 5, and I'm the oldest of 4 - and both felt that we had had enough of kids. But that obviously changed, and I'm happy it did. After going from wanting no kids, to "let's get pregnant", I figured I'd only want 1 child. Now that I'm pregnant and about to have Cael, I thought I would want to have 2 kids, so that Cael could have a sibling and not grow up alone. But Matt is still in the "we're only having 1 child" mindset.
However, after how hard this pregnancy has been on me (morning sickness until 24+ weeks, bed rest at 31 weeks for pre-term labor, 13 hours of active labor, the pains and discomfort), I'm not so sure I can do another pregnancy. Do know that I am fully aware that my pregnancy could have gone a lot worse, and I am so thankful that Cael is healthy, and I haven't had any serious complications, like gestational diabetes, or Pre-E. But I feel it's still hard on me and on my body. Maybe it's because I'm petite and have a smaller frame? But there's plenty of women who are as petite, if not smaller than me who go through pregnancy, and don't seem to complain.
Maybe I'm feeling all these emotions because of the hormones and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Every pregnant woman reaches their breaking point at the end of their pregnancy, right? That's what I'm thinking at least. I just can't wait to have Cael in my arms, and for me to go back to how I was feeling before I started getting very pregnant.
:::Please come soon, my sweet Baby Cael. I can't wait to hold you, and Mommy is getting real uncomfortable:::