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Friday, August 19, 2011

So Alone

So for the first time in a long time, I actually feel alone.

Right now, Matt is at our best friends' wedding, and I'm upset I can't be there. I'm also upset, because I won't get to talk to Matt tonight before I go to bed. He promised he'd call me in the morning when he wakes up, but I doubt he will, because he always forgets. And I end up calling him. And that upsets me more. I always think of him when I'm on Long Island, and he's back home, and if I forget once to call him, he gets upset about it. How does that work?

So here I am, 9:37 pm on Friday night, and I'm laying on the couch, by myself. And I really can't complain too much, because it's not like I was alone all day. My friend S came with me to my doctor appointment, and I spent most of the day with her. And then tonight, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece came and visited me because they knew I'd be alone. But they left about 15 minutes ago. Then I started crying because I was alone again.

And in all honestly, I'm not that alone. My in-laws are right upstairs, Cael is moving like crazy in my belly, and I have Killian and Tyson with me. But I just can't shake this feeling of loneliness and sadness. Whenever Matt goes to Long Island, or I go to Long Island, and we're separate for a few days, I usually welcome that. It's good to have some time apart. But with me 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow, uncomfortable, hormonal and emotional, it's not a good thing right now. I just want Matt home with me. And that's all.

Speaking of Killian and Tyson, I wanted to *kill* Tyson this morning. I have no idea what is up with him lately, but he's slowly destroying our apartment. I woke up at 8:45 this morning to him chewing on the brand new door trim around the door to Cael's nursery, on the kitchen side. It's all chewed up now, and no longer looks nice. What a great start to the day. I of course cried, wanted to beat him (don't worry, I didn't), and wanted to deprive him of his breakfast (once again, I didn't do that either). I just don't understand.

Then about 2 weekends ago, on a Sunday when Matt and I slept in, I heard noise coming from the kitchen area through the wall. I get up to find that Tyson tore the paper covering the drywall up off the wall, and ate a hole through the drywall. Fortunately, it wasn't any of the new drywall that was installed, but once I saw that, I started crying too. Add to that this past Saturday I woke up to a chewed-up paint roller and chewed up wooden paint stirrers. There were splinters and wood shards all over the floor. I was vacuuming at 7 in the morning.

Is it anxiety because of the changes we made? Does he know something is going on big soon, and doesn't know how to cope? Or is it simply because we/I are sleeping in, and aren't up at the normal 6:45am to feed him and let him out? It seems to only happen in the morning when either Matt and/or I aren't up at the "usual" time. And since the construction, we've done away with the crates, and haven't had them in the crates at night or when we're out during the day. Killian is fine - he hasn't done anything. It's the little one doing all the damage. And we're afraid to put just Tyson in the crate and leave Killian out, because when we did that a few times, Killian went through separation anxiety and threw everything off the counter and tossed the garbage all over the place.

So now I don't know what to do. Do I leave them both out when I go to bed, hope for the best, and then when I wake up in the morning for the bathroom, put them in the crate? Or put them in the crate before I go to sleep? Matt and I really wanted to leave them out of the crates, because they take up so much room. And it's not like they don't have any toys to chew, either. They've go plenty strewn all over the place. Maybe he's just trying to get to my bedroom, so he thinks he can chew his way through Cael's door to get to me? This is stressing me out a lot, especially since we just had everything finished.

As I mentioned before, I had a weekly appointment today. It went well - quite averagely actually. I gained 2 pounds, which I guess I'm ok with - I have no choice, right? Cael's heart rate was 135 bpm, and I'm assuming my belly measured good since nothing was said. I was also checked, and hoping for some more progress. I was still 1-2cm, and now about 70% effaced. I asked about the discrepancy between the noted progress the OB nurse and my midwife made, and she explained that it was all subjective. She also said that I should go by the other midwife, because she checked me at my appointment a few days prior, checked me when I got to L&D, and then checked me the morning I was discharged. So she's the only consistency, so I should go by her.

I'm glad I'm a little more effaced though, and she's happy at how my cervix is progressing. She said it's softening nicely, and needs to be fully effaced before I start really dilating. She said I could use Evening Primrose Oil to help my cervix soften more, but she doesn't think I will need it, and told me to hold off buying it for now. Especially since having sex seems to do it for me. From how she was talking, it sounds like she thinks I will go before my due date. But at the same time, you can't predict these things, and I understand that.

I then went over to the ultrasound department to 1) say hi to the ladies over there because I haven't seen them in forever; and 2) my friend S knows one of my coworkers in ultrasound. I wasn't expecting to be scanned at all (I know S was hoping to see Cael, especially since she's never seen an OB ultrasound) because it was around lunch time, but to my surprise, my coworker scanned me! She got some really good profile pictures, and surprisingly good 3D pictures considering how low Cael is in my pelvis. I really wasn't expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised. She also measured him for me, and he's an estimated 7 pounds 5 ounces, +/- 17 ounces. He was also measuring as being due September 2nd, which is spot on. I was really happy about that. I felt so lucky to see him again on ultrasound. The next time I see him will be in person (hopefully).

Alright, it's getting late, so I'm going to take a Unisom, and hopefully get some sleep tonight. I'm also hoping the leftover Pizza Uno I had for dinner won't keep me up with horrible heartburn tonight. Hey, I can hope, right? Here is our handsome little man. I love his little nose so much! Unfortunately, the cord was in front of his mouth, so his lips look distorted in the 3D image, but hey, I was happy and surprised we saw anything at all.

:::Daddy will be home soon, lil' man. We love you so much already:::

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