My miscarriage. Was is caused by the intense cardio workouts I did at the Aerobics Convention days before finding out I was pregnant? Or was it because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times? I knew enough to stay out of the hot tub while in Cape Cod because I know it's not good to raise your body temperature while pregnant. I did, however, sit on the edge of the hot tub and just put my legs in. Could that have done it? Or could it be that we didn't wait long enough after coming off of my NuvaRing? Maybe it's a culmination of everything. I still have an Ipod app that is still set to my original May 5, 2011 due date. I haven't removed the date. I'm not sure why. Today I would have been 17 weeks 4 days. I would be finding out what gender the baby would be, and be able to tell family for Christmas. I would have a cute baby bump. I would be almost feeling the baby kick. I would be wearing maternity clothes. But I'm not. And I can't help but think that it was something that I did wrong. I know it's an irrational thought, because these things happen, and for sometimes reasons unknown. But it's still a thought in my mind. All I know is that I can't wait to be pregnant again. I won't complain about the nausea, or the cramping, or weight gain. I won't complain about my clothes not fitting, or the heartburn. Or about being uncomfortable, or about my legs and feet swelling. I really want to be pregnant now. I really hope that this cycle will be it for us. I know I can't complain because we haven't been trying for that long at all, compared to several other couples. They can complain, but not me. But I still want this cycle to be it. I want that baby bump. I want to not be allowed to drink on New Years. Or on my birthday. I want our take-home baby. And I don't want to wait much longer.
Ok, vent over. Thanks for listening.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
So yesterday I joined the crazy, insane ranks of those people who wake up way before dawn to get a head start on Christmas shopping. Yesterday, I went out on Black Friday. I was initially terrified and scared of going out with the mad masses of people shopping, but it wasn't bad at all. I even had fun! I have to say, that given the circumstances of my miscarriage and the heartache associated with it, I am very excited this Christmas. In past years, I have dreaded Christmas and shopping/gift giving. But this year is different, and I don't know why. Maybe because we have enough money to spend on each other for Christmas. Or maybe because this year I'm not stressing about what to buy Matt, and feel that I'm doing pretty good as far as buying gifts for Matt. I'm just really excited.
So I woke up yesterday at 2:30am, showered, and was out the door at 3:15am to start shopping at 4:30am. I went to (in order) Walmart, Best Buy, the Mall, PetSmart and Target. I even had my picture taken by Action News 12 in Binghamton while at the mall. They were doing a story on shoppers out on Black Friday, and I saw them when I went into the mall. I was behind the guy doing the interviews for the news station, but I just kept on going. I was on a mission with my list in hand. I thought that was the end of that. But last night when I was looking on their website to see the story they had, I was looking through still-shots they took of shoppers at the mall, and Lo and Behold - there I was! It's not the most flattering picture of me because I didn't know they were taking it (and didn't see them), but needless to say, I made the picture! It made me happy. I'm in the bottom right-hand corner of the picture, carrying the blue bag. Not bad, huh?
So while out yesterday, I got about 95% of my shopping done. As far as family goes, I only have a few items left to get. And for Matt, there are a couple of things I still need to get. But since it's still early with about a month left to go before Christmas, there is still plenty of time to get what is on my list, and probably more. All of my wrapping is done too. Everything I've bought for Christmas is wrapped already. I finished today, but numbered everything and wrote everything down on a list so I can remember what I bought and which gift is what. Just in case I need to open up one and return it, etc.
Also, I ordered highly sensitive home pregnancy tests that can test 10 miu/ml of HCG, meaning you can test 7-10 days after ovulation. I ordered them on the 23rd, and they arrived quickly yesterday. I have to say I'm impressed. I also ordered 5 ovulation prediction kits in order to get free shipping. I'm so ready for this cycle, and excited for the same time. It's on like Donkey Kong - this cycle has to be it!
Monday, November 15, 2010
I had a BIG temp spike this morning when I temped. Like, almost the highest temperature on my chart all cycle. This after a temp drop yesterday. After my temp drop yesterday, I figured I was out this cycle, because I should be expecting AF soon. Well, I guess not, because this morning I got a temp spike that would lead me to think otherwise. Also, I changed my chart a little too (meaning, I removed my very early +OPK, and removed the override feature), which in turn gave me a definite cross-hair for ovulation on CD28 - 2 days later than I thought I ovulated. WHICH MEANS, when I tested on Saturday and originally thought that I was 10dpo, I was really 8dpo. Which means today is when I'd be 10dpo. So there still is a chance that I could be pregnant this cycle.
My chart is driving me nuts, and I have no idea what to think or believe anymore. Yesterday, I was fully ready for AF to arrive, so that we could really, officially and "appropriately" try this next cycle. I figured, "Okay, we will do this right, the way our MW wants us to." And then today, I get a temp spike, and my thoughts turn to, "Okay, maybe AF won't be coming today, or tomorrow, and it looks like there is a chance I could be pregnant this cycle."
The more I try to analyze it, the more I drive myself crazy and cause my anxiety to rise. Like, right now - I feel like I'm on the verge of having an anxiety attack, and I just want to cry. My mind is just racing all over the place. What if we are pregnant? What if it ends in another miscarriage? Would I be able to handle another miscarriage emotionally? Is getting pregnant a cycle earlier than we were supposed going to affect anything? Is my MW going to be upset with me if we are pregnant a cycle ahead of when we were supposed to try? I can keep going on, but I'd end up with a novel of worries and what-ifs.
The kicker is that I have 1 test left, and it's a digital. I don't want to waste a digital if I'm not sure. Trust me, if I had other tests around, you best believe I would have peed on it by now. I don't get paid until Thursday, and unfortunately, money has been tight these last few weeks because of all the festivities we had in October. It ran our bank account dry pretty much. That means there is no extra money to spend on HPT's until Thursday. Great. I just have to suck it up, and put on my big-girl panties, as my mother-in-law would say, and wait until Thursday to test. It's going to be a loonngggg next 3 days. That is, unless AF decides to show her face.
Quickly: So to go along with my craziness and anxiety, my phantom EDD if I am pregnant this cycle would be August 13, 2011. That is not based on my LMP (because right now, I am on day 38 of my cycle, so LMP would be inaccurate), but based on a conception date of Saturday, November 6th; a day after my suspected ovulation date. That in itself opens up a bunch of conflicting issues surrounding that date (like my BF's wedding - August 19; and Matts' cousin's wedding - August 12). BUT, lets not get too ahead of ourselves now. I first need a positive HPT before I can start planning that far ahead. And not to mention, a pregnancy that goes well past 5 weeks and 1 day. :::sigh:::
Saturday, November 13, 2010
So I was going to originally wait until tomorrow, Sunday, to take my first home pregnancy test of this cycle. But, I caved, and took one this morning when I woke up. It was..::: drum roll please::: NEGATIVE. I can't say I'm surprised though. I am only 10 days past ovulation. I was 12 days past ovulation when I was pregnant last time, and got a positive home pregnancy test. I will now probably wait until maybe Tuesday morning to test again. I only have a digital test left, and I don't want to waste it. So I'm going to probably end up buying Dollar Store cheapie HPT's.
If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, I guess that will be okay with me. We technically weren't supposed to be trying until next cycle anyway. If this isn't the cycle for us, I really hope that next cycle will give us our take-home baby.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Ugh. Today was such a crappy day. I am in the worst mood every. And I guess I really don't know why. I am about 6 days past ovulation, so it's not O moodiness...And I shouldn't be getting AF (aunt flow) for another week and a half...That is unless we're pregnant this cycle. Which, by the way, I have some guilt about (I'll discuss later). I think my crankiness started this morning when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear to work. Then the day was long, and heat was broken at work and it was like a sauna, and work was a little frustrating today. Some of the day, I just wanted to punch a wall; the rest of the day I wanted to cry. And when I got home, I wanted to punch Matt. Maybe because I'm cranky. Maybe because he wasn't home when I got home from work for me to vent to. Or maybe because he got nasty and yelled at me when I called him because the dogs were making noise coming out of their crate while he was trying to ask me a question. I yelled back by the way. Oh yea - the question he wanted to ask me? "Can you start my work clothes in the washer for me?" Yes, sure honey. Ugh. To top it off, I had to scan a patient today (boobie related - not OB related) who was 20 or so weeks pregnant. Great. Usually it doesn't bother me. But today it did for some reason. I miss being pregnant. I should have the start of a belly by now. I would be 14 weeks and 5 days right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I've been good lately. I just want to be pregnant again, and have our baby. I kind of want to cry now thinking about it.
So about feeling guilty. My mid-wife said for Matt and I to wait 2-3 cycles before we started trying again. Honestly, I don't know why so long. I know every doctor is different and every situation is different. But I was so early, and there was no sign of even a baby. My levels went to 0 in one week after my miscarriage because they weren't high to begin with. Maybe it was because we got pregnant right away the cycle following me coming off birth control? I don't know. Maybe it was for my emotional well-being; I was really devastated, and couldn't stop crying during that visit.
So I'm in the middle of my second cycle right now - O'd 6 days ago - so that means if I went by my MW, then Matt and I could start trying again after I get this cycles' AF. Right? Well, I think we went against that advice. Honestly, we ran out of condoms. Or at least we thought we did. It was an honest "mistake". I found 2 under the bed while collecting laundry. So we had sex without a condom. This was last week. Two days before ovulation. Oops. Thing is, my temps were so screwy in the beginning of the cycle, I figured to hell with it, I'm not O'ing this cycle. I guess I was wrong, because I started peeing on OPK's (ovulation prediction kits), and I got 3 positives in a row starting the day after we had sex. And then I had a 3cm cyst on my right ovary that ruptured sometime Wednesday night (day I O'd). So I'm pretty sure I O'd on that day. Although, FF (fertility friend) still hasn't given me CH's (cross hairs) yet for an O day, so I overrode it, and set my O date the CD26. So now, we have to wait for next week to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant. Maybe that's why the moodiness? But it would be too early for moodiness, as I am only 6 days after ovulation. The little speck would just be nestling into my uterus.
The reason I feel guilty is that my MW said to wait 2-3 cycles (meaning 2-3 periods), and I've only had 1 period so far. Maybe I can make myself feel better by thinking, maybe she meant 2-3 months? In that case, I'd be golden. But in reality, I know she meant periods. But whatever makes me sleep at night, right? I would feel so bad and guilty if I did get pregnant, and I miscarried again because we didn't wait like we should have. But then again, plenty of people have had doctors tell them it's OK to try again after 1 period. Some doctors even say couples can try right after a miscarriage (assuming they will ovulate immediately following a miscarriage). I would also be so frustrated with myself, Matt and in general if we did have a miscarriage because we didn't wait long enough, and we had to wait even longer to try. I wonder if it was even worth it to not use a condom. I do hope I'm pregnant, but at the same time, I hope if I am that it's not being jeopardized because we were being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that things happen, and you can't change the past. You can only prepare for the future. Hopefully it's a future (very near future) with a healthy pregnancy, and not a future with another miscarriage caused by our lack of responsibility. :::fingers crossed:::
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So to continue the story about my mom, and the stress she gives me :) So I told my brother to call an ambulance because something was obviously wrong with mom. So he called one, and off to the hospital they took her. They ran a bunch of tests on her from a chest X-Ray (what's a hospital visit without one of those!), to testing several vials of blood, to a head CT. Now, they called a Code Orange on my mom (which I'm assuming is a neuro/stroke code), and actually removed a patient mid-scan from the CT to scan my mom. When my step-dad told me that, I knew it probably wasn't good. My first impression from talking to my mom prior was either a stroke or mini-stroke. Based on the hospitals actions, I was assuming they were thinking the same thing.
So it also took 3 techs and 7 pokes to my moms arms to get any blood for testing. They were checking everything from liver/kidney function to drug testing. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending how you look at it) everything in the blood work was negative. And her head CT was also negative. WHAT?! Um, then why is mom like this?? So because they still didn't know what was going on, and even though she was starting to come to with NO memory of that entire afternoon what-so-ever, they admitted her. It was Sunday night around 11:30pm by the time they put her in a room. Oh yea, and she was on the Stroke Unit. Great.
So the next morning, I get up and do my usual thing - take my temperature, eat a little something, go to the gym, shower, and then head to work. I called a good friend/co-worker while I was on my way to work, to give her a heads up about the happenings of the night before, so she could forewarn our other co-worker/supervisor. So I show up at work, and my other co-worker looks at me, and says, "Why are you here?" I told her because my step-dad and Matt said to not go down, because they still don't know what's going on with mom, and I had just got back from Long Island "hours" before. She then asked me if I wanted to go back, and to that I started crying, saying that I'm scared, and yes I do want to be with my mom. With that, she then told me to "get out of here", and not to worry, the building will still be around when I get back. She told me to take off as much as I needed, and if it was the whole week (I was going BACK to LI on Thursday for my BF's wedding) that would be fine - it wouldn't be worth it to drive back on, say Wednesday, work a day, and then drive all the way back. So I did an about-face, punched out, and headed home (an hour and 15 minutes away) to pack for a week.
Ok, so longer story short, I drove to Long Island, and got there by around 4ish pm. I stayed with mom until about 8:30pm that night. She looked good, and was surprised to see me. Of course, she asked me "who told you I was here?", and I looked at her, a little nervous, and said, "Mom, when I talked to you at 7:00 this morning, I told you that I was the one who told Rob to call an ambulance." To that she said, "Oh yea, that's right. I remember now." :/ I then went on to jokingly ask her what her birthday was (Which I think is going to be a long-standing inside joke now). That day, they did an MRA, MRI, and echocardiogram. All of which were NEGATIVE. Huh?? What??? Negative? Well, then mom, you're not going anywhere until they find out what happened, and why you still can't remember anything from Sunday.
Lo and behold, they did have a reason. They called it Prednisone Psychosis. And after looking it up (I thought the doctor was pulling this out of her ass), it made sense - she had all the symptoms, which oddly enough, mimic a stroke. Mom has been on and off Prednisone for years for bad lungs and chronic pneumonia. She was just finishing up a tapered dose for pneumonia when this happened.
So, she didn't have a stroke or mini-stroke, and all of this was caused by a drug. One drug. Amazing. I'm just happy that mom is ok, and there was nothing seriously wrong with her. She was discharged on Tuesday with no restrictions, except to stay away from Prednisone. Thank God. So I stayed down for the rest of the week to help out with the kids, and when mom was feeling better and I knew she was ok, I transitioned over to wedding stuff. Which, by the way, the wedding was so beautiful, and so much fun. And I have a new favorite picture of Matt and I (above).
In other news, October is over - YAY!
And I started using OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kits - pretty much a stick you pee on that tells you when you're about to ovulate), and got my first + OPK on CD 19, October 27. I also got a positive last night, and this morning right after I temped. Initially, after the first +OPK, I thought I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle because my temps were so weird, and didn't show any temp spike to go along with ovulation. But now, I have a temp spike, and 2 +OPK's. So I guess I'm going to O; just a little later than expected.