Everything Is Perfect!

My blood pressure was 133/86. That is the highest it's been. Ever, I think. This was Monday morning at my appointment to have my IUD removed. But I wasn't just anxious about the removal of an embedded IUD. I was terrified that I was pregnant. Ever since my NP told me that I'm not protected, my mind has been running rampant with tons upon tons of thoughts. What if I'm pregnant? Will I still have this IUD taken out? Will it cause me to miscarry? I don't want to go through another miscarriage. I don't want to be high risk. Can we afford another baby? We're definitely not in the right place to have another baby right now. OMG, am I at risk to lose this job too, if I have to go on maternity leave early?! I can't lose this job. Will Matt want me to get an abortion? I know he doesn't want anymore kids. Would he really want an abortion? I know he would be disappointed. Could I mentally go through ending a pregnancy because we're not in the right place right now??

I kid you not. The above is only a fraction of what went through my mind all weekend. As the weekend came to an end, Matt's and my anxiety went through the roof. When we got into bed on Sunday night, I sobbed. I haven't sobbed like that since my miscarriage. I sobbed because I was terrified. Terrified of this damn IUD not coming out despite my NP trying. Terrified I'd need surgery to have it removed. And terrified that I was pregnant. You see, my period was due this weekend. Roughly Saturday or Sunday, based on the 31 day cycle I had the month before (and the 33 day cycle the month before that). So by Sunday night, when I had not yet started my period, I was Late. I knew I had to ask for a pregnancy test before the NP tried the removal. If I hadn't started my period by the time of my appointment Monday morning, I would be requesting a pregnancy test.

That Sunday night, Matt held me tight as I sobbed. I finally told him what I was thinking. What made me finally lose it. I told him that I wouldn't be able to end a pregnancy just because it wasn't wanted. The thought is absolutely killing me. To that, he simply said "Ok baby". He could feel my body shaking as I cried, and he could hear me crying. As you're reading this, I'm sure it's hard to not pass judgement on us. I'm sure this all seems so dramatic considering we didn't even know if I was pregnant. But you have to understand something. When you get an IUD that's supposed to be good for 12 years, you don't plan on getting pregnant. So when we were faced with a possible pregnancy, our minds just started racing.

Now before you pass judgement, Matt would never make me get an abortion. He knows whatever I say goes, and he wouldn't try to change that. He's simply trying to look out for our family the best way a man can. He is so understanding, and I know he was worried, stressed and anxious about all of it, just like I was.

Early Monday morning came and went, and still no period. At this point, I was basically telling myself I was pregnant. I was already planning on how I was going to tell my manager. Yes, I'm crazy. Very crazy. Anxiety will do this to a person. Anyway, I left work, and went upstairs for my appointment. The nurse took my blood pressure, and I asked her if it was possible to do a pregnancy test before removal, since I hadn't had my period yet. She said absolutely, and I went and peed in a cup. I came out of the bathroom, and there was Matt with Cael in the waiting room. He surprised me and showed up to the appointment. It made me feel so much better that he showed up and surprised me. I know he was just as worried about everything as I was.

The nurse told me from over the counter that the test appears to be negative. Halle-fricken-lujah! At this point, Matt went back to the waiting room with Cael so I could get undressed for the removal. I quickly texted Matt, "It was negative!". Then I sat back and relaxed on the exam table and waited for my NP to come in. She and the nurse who took my blood pressure came in. My NP asked the nurse if she gave me the results of the test, and she repeated it, "I told her it appeared to be negative." The NP told me that if I was still uncomfortable with the idea, that I could have blood work done. The pee-test was good enough for me. Let's get this thing out!

Luckily and fortunately, the removal was a cinch! I was really anticipating a problem with it coming out, but on the second pull of the string, it came right out. She showed it to me, and it was intact, which is good. They left, I got dressed, and then my NP came back in so we can discuss birth control. I had already decided on the NuvaRing. I had used it previously before we got pregnant the first time, and I didn't have any problems with it. She gave me 2 samples, a prescription, and sent me on my way. Matt and I said bye, and I went back to work, not even missing an hour.

I am so happy to have this behind me. What a stressor this whole thing turned out to be, from the IUD being embedded, to the possibility of being pregnant. At least now I can sigh a deep breath of relief.

I'm...Just Speechless

Fear. Excitement. Happiness. Terror. Numbness. Joy.

My test came up Positive. Like, really positive. It says "Pregnant" on it. Like, there's a baby growing inside me right now. I just don't know what to say. I can't believe I got pregnant so fast. My heart really breaks for those women who struggle to get pregnant. I can't even imagine what they're going through. And almost feel guilty that I got pregnant so quickly.

I really hope that this pregnancy sticks around for a little while. I'm really, really hoping. Can you tell I'm at a loss for words? I have so much going through my head right now. I haven't let the pregnancy test out of my sight. I keep looking at it, thinking a "Not" might show up in front of the word "Pregnant". I got up to go to the gym, but I'm not sure I want to now. I really should though, to keep up with it.

One day at a time. I know I'm extremely early - only 3 weeks 4 days today. Anything can happen at this point. I'm trying to not get too excited, but at the same time, taking it day by day, and I will try not to be a worry wart. I know to enjoy each day I get, as I may not have it tomorrow.

Oh yea. My estimated due date? September 3, 2011. I guess I can stop squeezing my boobs and nipples now to see if they're sore.

Stick baby, STICK!!

Black Friday Madness And More

So yesterday I joined the crazy, insane ranks of those people who wake up way before dawn to get a head start on Christmas shopping. Yesterday, I went out on Black Friday. I was initially terrified and scared of going out with the mad masses of people shopping, but it wasn't bad at all. I even had fun! I have to say, that given the circumstances of my miscarriage and the heartache associated with it, I am very excited this Christmas. In past years, I have dreaded Christmas and shopping/gift giving. But this year is different, and I don't know why. Maybe because we have enough money to spend on each other for Christmas. Or maybe because this year I'm not stressing about what to buy Matt, and feel that I'm doing pretty good as far as buying gifts for Matt. I'm just really excited.

So I woke up yesterday at 2:30am, showered, and was out the door at 3:15am to start shopping at 4:30am. I went to (in order) Walmart, Best Buy, the Mall, PetSmart and Target. I even had my picture taken by Action News 12 in Binghamton while at the mall. They were doing a story on shoppers out on Black Friday, and I saw them when I went into the mall. I was behind the guy doing the interviews for the news station, but I just kept on going. I was on a mission with my list in hand. I thought that was the end of that. But last night when I was looking on their website to see the story they had, I was looking through still-shots they took of shoppers at the mall, and Lo and Behold - there I was! It's not the most flattering picture of me because I didn't know they were taking it (and didn't see them), but needless to say, I made the picture! It made me happy. I'm in the bottom right-hand corner of the picture, carrying the blue bag. Not bad, huh?

So while out yesterday, I got about 95% of my shopping done. As far as family goes, I only have a few items left to get. And for Matt, there are a couple of things I still need to get. But since it's still early with about a month left to go before Christmas, there is still plenty of time to get what is on my list, and probably more. All of my wrapping is done too. Everything I've bought for Christmas is wrapped already. I finished today, but numbered everything and wrote everything down on a list so I can remember what I bought and which gift is what. Just in case I need to open up one and return it, etc.

Also, I ordered highly sensitive home pregnancy tests that can test 10 miu/ml of HCG, meaning you can test 7-10 days after ovulation. I ordered them on the 23rd, and they arrived quickly yesterday. I have to say I'm impressed. I also ordered 5 ovulation prediction kits in order to get free shipping. I'm so ready for this cycle, and excited for the same time. It's on like Donkey Kong - this cycle has to be it!

I Caved This Weekend

So I was going to originally wait until tomorrow, Sunday, to take my first home pregnancy test of this cycle. But, I caved, and took one this morning when I woke up. It was..::: drum roll please::: NEGATIVE. I can't say I'm surprised though. I am only 10 days past ovulation. I was 12 days past ovulation when I was pregnant last time, and got a positive home pregnancy test. I will now probably wait until maybe Tuesday morning to test again. I only have a digital test left, and I don't want to waste it. So I'm going to probably end up buying Dollar Store cheapie HPT's.

If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, I guess that will be okay with me. We technically weren't supposed to be trying until next cycle anyway. If this isn't the cycle for us, I really hope that next cycle will give us our take-home baby.