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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Journal And Picture

So yesterday marked 3 weeks since I miscarried. I would have been 8 weeks 2 days today. And I would have had my 8 week appointment on Monday, the 27th. But I'm not. I've been getting better and the days have been getting easier. I've received 2 sympathy cards, which I greatly appreciate. One was from my brother and sister-in-law, and the other one I received was from a co-worker 2 days ago. It's nice to know that they care about me. Sending a card is a small gesture, but means a whole lot more.

I have to be honest. I'm a sonographer. Right after I found out I was pregnant, when I was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant, I decided to scan myself to see if I could see anything, and check to see if I had my dates right. I never told anyone this (except for Matt and my mom). I couldn't really see too much of anything, but I did see a really small sac. I guess that should have been my first clue that maybe something was wrong. I should have at least seen a sac that was larger, and maybe a yolk sac. But of course you think it could never happen to you, so I just assumed my dates were off, and I was earlier than I thought. Fortunately, I was able to print a few pictures of my little sac to keep. Little did I know that was going to be the only proof (other than the pregnancy test and betas) that I was pregnant. That tiny sac. I fell in love with it, and in my mind, it was perfect. Nothing could be wrong, right? Boy was I wrong. But it's ok. I've come to "terms" with it, and I'm happy that I have those few pictures. I consider myself

very fortunate because a lot of women don't get to see their baby that early, and I did. So here is my little baby that was. The little sac is the little black area at the tip of my index finger. Isn't it so cute?

I still have my pregnancy journal, and will never get rid of them. I keep the pictures I have and the cards I got in it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't wait until December comes. Hopefully it won't take too long for Matt and I to get pregnant. I can't wait for that day, although I am going to be terrified that I will go through this again. But I know I can't think like that. I will just have to enjoy it day by day, knowing that I will never know what the next day holds. But I will climb that mountain when the time comes.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Two Weeks Gone

It has been two weeks since my miscarriage today. I would have been 7 weeks 1 day. I do have to say it's been getting easier, day by day. I find myself thinking about it everyday, but not dwelling on it. I think that the idea of December approaching soon is very comforting to me, because that is when we can start trying again. I know I will get my take-home baby soon. I just have to be patient.
I also take comfort in the fact that I got pregnant, and that I can get pregnant. My heart goes out to those families who have infertility issues - I would never wish that on anyone.

Again, this is a short post, but I will be back soon.

Monday, September 13, 2010

In Memory

I decided that I wanted something to remember my pregnancy/baby. I already have a Pandora bracelet that I started with a die charm from when hubby and I went to Atlantic City. So I decided that the best way to remember my lost pregnancy would be to get a charm. I didn't know what the best type of charm would be, so I went to the jeweler to look through what they had. That's when it hit me - A birthstone charm would be perfect. My due date was May 5, 2011, so I decided I wanted a charm with the May birthstone. I found one I loved, so I got it. May's stone is Emerald - which is also perfect, because I love anything Irish. I'm in love with this charm, and can't stop playing with it. I'm so happy that I decided to get something to remember our "Johnny Appleseed".

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I Dreamed A Dream

I can't help it, but I keep thinking back on the dream I had on August 23 - the day I had my first positive pregnancy test. I had temped that morning, like I had been. After the thermometer beeped and I looked at it, I remember smiling because of the spike (For those who may not know, after ovulation, a spike can mean you're pregnant), and then fell right back to sleep. That was 4:30 am, my usual temping time. The dream I had after that was of me having an ultrasound, and seeing an 8 week baby on the screen. I was pregnant in my dream, and it was an amazing feeling.

Of course, on August 23, I wouldn't have been 8 weeks along, but it's like I almost knew that I was pregnant before I tested. I woke up later, at 7:30 and knew I had the dream, but didn't really think much of it. I had been in Cape Cod, MA since the 19th, and I was going back home that morning. It was at about 4:00 that evening that I took the home test, and got a positive result.

I don't know if I'll ever forget that dream, but the baby looked so perfect on the screen. I know it was only a dream, but maybe it was a vision of the future; a vision of our future pregnancy. I can't wait for that day. Hopefully, it won't be too far from now.

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's Been 1 Week

I'm starting to get better. It's still hard though. It has been one week since I miscarried. I would have been 6 weeks 1 day today. My baby would have had a heartbeat, and would be growing. But it's not. The days have been getting easier, although I feel guilty about that, and I don't know why. I know it's supposed to get easier.

I'm leaving for Long Island tonight after work, but I'm only staying until Sunday morning. I have to get my bridesmaid dress fitted for my best friend's wedding at the end of October. I'm so excited about it :) I guess I could have a drink now at the wedding :/ I'd rather still be pregnant.

I started taking my basal body temperature again this morning. Matt said I should wait a month and just take it easy, and not temp. But I feel it will make the coming months go faster. It's something to look forward to each morning, to see what my temperature is. Plus, I've heard a lot of women don't ovulate their first cycle after a miscarriage. I'm interested in seeing if I'll be one of those women or not.

This will be a short post, so I leave you here. I'm off to the gym to hopefully clear my mind.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Crushing Introduction

I have had several heart-wrenching things happen to me in my life, mostly consisting of a cherished loved one passing away; my Grandmother, Grandfather, great Uncle - All of whom I was very close to, and helped raise me. However, there has recently been one event happen to me that I will never, ever forget. One that hits me right in my heart. One that has made me want to start blogging as an outlet and way to grieve and heal. I miscarried my first pregnancy.

Matt and I were married on a beautiful day on June 6, 2009. He is my best friend, my soul mate. We are originally from Long Island, but moved to northeast Pennsylvania in July 2005. I finished school, took and passed my boards (for Ultrasound), and then we got married. Everything has been perfect so far. We still need to buy our own home, but we are doing fine where we are now. Buying our first home will come eventually.

Matt and I decided to start trying for a baby on July 22, 2010. That is the day that I stopped my NuvaRing. I got my period the next day. I started charting my basal body temperature 2 weeks later. Then, on August 23, 2010, we got our very first positive home pregnancy test. It was an EPT digital HPT, and it read out "Pregnant". I couldn't believe my eyes. Did this really happen this quickly?? Could this be wrong?? OMG, I'M PREGNANT!! Exactly one month after we decided to start trying, and we were already pregnant. I was so excited and couldn't wait for all the pregnancy milestones. However, I'll admit it now - Something didn't feel right. It felt like it happened too soon, and it was too good to be true. Nonetheless, Matt and I were so excited to be taking on this new part of our lives together. Our due date was May 5, 2011 - 3 days before Mother's Day :).

I had blood work done the next day, on the 24th, and it confirmed that I was pregnant. My beta's were 69, and my progesterone was 53.7. According to the nurse I spoke to, the levels were good, and nothing else was said. I set up my 8 week appointment for September 27, and now it was a waiting game to get to that appointment. I couldn't wait.

I started getting morning sickness, or what I think was morning sickness. I had nausea, food aversions, and actually got sick a couple of times. I thought this was maybe happening early (it started when I was between 4 weeks and 5 weeks), but I was just happy it was happening because it was a cause of the baby inside of me.

All of our joy was short-lived. I started spotting on the night of 9/2, but I didn't have any cramping. So I figured it was normal - I know 1st trimester spotting is normal until it's accompanied by cramping. However, the next morning on September 3 at 4:30, the cramping started. It was very slight at first, so I figured I was still ok. I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I knew it was bad. My pink spotting had turned to red bleeding - similar to that of a light period. I knew that with my cramps and bleeding, I was most likely miscarrying. However, I still didn't want to believe it. So I climbed back into bed (I decided to forgo the gym that morning) and started crying myself to sleep. Matt woke up and wanted to know what was wrong. He knew I was spotting the night before, and I told him I was cramping now, and the bleeding was getting worse. He told me to try and stay calm, and maybe it's normal. He cuddled me, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up to get ready for work at 6:45, and my face was still wet. I guess I was crying in my sleep, and I was crying when I woke up. I told my boss what was happening, and she told me to stay home for now and call my doctor to get checked. I did, and got in for an ultrasound and appointment with the Midwife at 11:45. My boss told me to take the rest of the day off, so I laid in bed until I had to leave for my appointment.

Where I work, and therefore where my doctor is, is an hour and fifteen minutes away. I was so numb by this point because the cramping was getting worse, that I honestly can't say I remember the drive. I got to the office, and went in for the ultrasound. Being an ultrasound tech, I sometimes feel I know too much. I've always said whenever we got pregnant, I would know immediately if something was wrong by looking at the ultrasound. Well, I was right. I didn't see anything on the ultrasound - no embryo, no yolk sac, no gestational sac. I knew it was over. I lay there still while the sonographer finished my ultrasound, weeping. I do have to say she was great. She told me everything that was happening, and pretty much what she saw (or didn't see). I didn't tell her that I too was a sonographer, so I just played along with what she was telling me. But I already knew. That was the hardest part.

After my ultrasound, I waited to talk to the MW. It was the first time I met her, but she was so kind and compassionate. The first thing she said to me was "I'm so sorry we have to meet for the first time like this." She then went on to tell me what I already knew. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't stop crying. She wanted me to get blood work done that day, and then again the following Monday (3 days later) to check my beta's. She also said that my beta's were low to begin with, which was a surprise to me. I told her that the nurse originally told me the levels were good. She said she was sorry, but they seemed low for where I was at that time in the pregnancy, and she would have expected to see them higher. I was told that given those initial levels and the ultrasound, that I probably had a blighted ovum. Basically, it's a pregnancy where everything but the baby develops. The gestational sac still implants into your uterus, and the placenta forms. You still feel pregnant (hence the morning sickness I was having), but in the end, it's not a viable pregnancy.

The MW assured me that we could start trying again soon, but she advised us to wait for at least 2 cycles. She also said that I will NOT be considered high risk because of this, and many women go on to have normal pregnancies after having a miscarriage. What was most reassuring though, was that when we do get pregnant again, my beta's will be monitored early on to make sure they double like they're supposed to.

So I drove home, crying, and yet again, I don't remember that drive either. I got home, got into my PJ's, and laid in bed for the rest of the day - crying. I couldn't wait for my husband, my best friend, and the father of our lost baby to get home so we could hold each other.

So here I am, 4 days after losing our first pregnancy. I'm getting better. Day by day is what I say, and only time will heal. I still can't believe we're not pregnant anymore. The first day back to work (yesterday) was really hard. My boss told everyone at work for me on Friday so I wouldn't have to repeat myself (no one else at work knew I was pregnant). I was thankful for that.

I will end my first, disheartening post here. I will try to keep it up to date as often as possible. I think that this will be a good healing tool for me. But we will have to wait and see. Like I said, only time will heal. I am, however, looking brightly at the future, and I can't wait until Matt and I have our family.