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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Journal And Picture

So yesterday marked 3 weeks since I miscarried. I would have been 8 weeks 2 days today. And I would have had my 8 week appointment on Monday, the 27th. But I'm not. I've been getting better and the days have been getting easier. I've received 2 sympathy cards, which I greatly appreciate. One was from my brother and sister-in-law, and the other one I received was from a co-worker 2 days ago. It's nice to know that they care about me. Sending a card is a small gesture, but means a whole lot more.

I have to be honest. I'm a sonographer. Right after I found out I was pregnant, when I was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant, I decided to scan myself to see if I could see anything, and check to see if I had my dates right. I never told anyone this (except for Matt and my mom). I couldn't really see too much of anything, but I did see a really small sac. I guess that should have been my first clue that maybe something was wrong. I should have at least seen a sac that was larger, and maybe a yolk sac. But of course you think it could never happen to you, so I just assumed my dates were off, and I was earlier than I thought. Fortunately, I was able to print a few pictures of my little sac to keep. Little did I know that was going to be the only proof (other than the pregnancy test and betas) that I was pregnant. That tiny sac. I fell in love with it, and in my mind, it was perfect. Nothing could be wrong, right? Boy was I wrong. But it's ok. I've come to "terms" with it, and I'm happy that I have those few pictures. I consider myself

very fortunate because a lot of women don't get to see their baby that early, and I did. So here is my little baby that was. The little sac is the little black area at the tip of my index finger. Isn't it so cute?

I still have my pregnancy journal, and will never get rid of them. I keep the pictures I have and the cards I got in it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't wait until December comes. Hopefully it won't take too long for Matt and I to get pregnant. I can't wait for that day, although I am going to be terrified that I will go through this again. But I know I can't think like that. I will just have to enjoy it day by day, knowing that I will never know what the next day holds. But I will climb that mountain when the time comes.

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