Cuddles And Face Slaps

In a previous post I had mentioned that both Cael and I were healthy again. Well, I didn't know it then, but that is not exactly true. I brought Cael back to the doctor on Tuesday because I was pretty sure his ear infection didn't go away. While Skyping with my mom, Cael was being really fussy, and crying his pain cry. My mom asked me if his ear was bothering him, and I said that I didn't think so, because he's been done with his antibiotic for a few days. She told me to gently press on his ear; I did, and he screamed bloody murder. That was my answer. Apparently, the antibiotic didn't work, and his ear was still bothering him. The might also explain the frequent wakings at night.

It was too late on Monday to call his pediatrician, so I called first thing Tuesday morning, and got him in at 11. As it turned out, poor Cael had a double ear infection, with his right side (originally the ear not affected) being worse than the left. Cael was given a script for Omnicef, another antibiotic. Hopefully this one will do the trick. The pediatrician also advised us to have Cael sleep on an incline at night, so that his ears could drain. The hope is that it would cause him to wake up less during the night because of the pain. He suggested having him sleep in a swing, the car seat, or propping his mattress up on an incline with blankets or pillows. Now, having a baby sleep on an incline goes against the guidelines of sleeping infants, and preventing SIDS. Unfortunately, having two moms in my online mom group that have lost their children to SIDS, it made me very nervous. Luckily, even after propping an end of the mattress up with a pillow, the sensor pad still worked. I was worried about sleeping at night and naps without it on, but I was relieved that it worked.

Since the appointment was a "sick visit", Cael was weighed with his clothes on - including socks and shoes (not that those makes that big of a difference). He weighed 15 pounds 11 ounces, but the pediatrician, who did the weighing, said that was too heavy, and estimated him to be about 15 pounds after subtracting the weight of his clothes and diaper. He needed an accurate estimation for the dosage of his antibiotic.

There have been several mornings where I would leave Cael in the bed with me after his very early morning feeding. He'd fall asleep while nursing, as would I. We'd cuddle, and I love every moment of it. However, he lets me know when he's awake. He'll either chat away and wake me up, or continuously slap me in the face until I open my eyes and look at him. Sometimes he'll grab chunks of my face, trying to get some kind of response from me. And when I do finally open my eyes and acknowledge him, he gives me the biggest grin. It just melts my heart, and I love every moment of that bonding time. Even if he does scratch me with a sharp fingernail. :)

We've Lost Another Sweet Pea

Another Sweet Pea passed away yesterday, at 5.5 months old. He was found blue and unresponsive during his nap at daycare. I just can't believe this has happened to our group again. We've lost 2 babies within one month; both at daycare; and both while napping. We're a large group of women, but I don't think large enough to have the odds that much against us. It's just not fair. I was looking through all his pictures on Facebook, and he was such a happy baby. Always smiling. This is just not right. I can't even imagine. Just when I started feeling better about Cael sleeping in his crib, and keeping my anxiety down during naps. I'm just in shock. That's 3 babies in 4 months that we lost. Baby D, Baby Z and now Baby E. I hope they're all playing together, watching down on their Mommy's and Daddy's.

May you rest in peach, Baby E. You were taken too soon.

"I Know"

I cried myself to sleep last night. The death of a Pea 2 days ago is still throbbing in my heart. I know he's not my child to grieve, but I can't help but feel so sad for her and her loss. I haven't really been able to keep Cael out of my sight. I've been letting him sleep on me more than usual, and have been giving him way more cuddles, hugs and kisses than usual, too.

Considering it all, I was ok yesterday. I was sad and couldn't get it out of my head, but I was ok. However, last night, I just broke down. I was laying in bed, resting my head on Matt's arm, and just started crying. This was after I spent a few minutes with my hand on Cael's sleeping body, to reassure myself. Mind you, this is something I've done every night before going to bed, except, last night, I did it for a longer amount of time. My tears were running down my face, and onto Matt's arm. I was trying not to stir Matt, but after a few minutes, he asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was thinking about the baby and his mother. And that I could not imagine the pain and suffering she is feeling. Matt replied with, "I know."

It's only 2 words, but it's not exactly what I expected him to say. Matt is not a mean, heartless person, but most times he can't understand why I cry for "complete strangers." Like the time I came upon a guy who was struck by a car crossing the street. I'll never get that image - him laying all contorted in the middle of the road, a shoe here, a sock there, his pants down to his hips, laying motionless and bloody - out of my head. I went home after doing what I could, and cried. Matt thought it was silly that I was crying for someone I didn't know. He wasn't mean about it, but just didn't understand.

Same thing with patients that I've scanned in the past. Patient's whose baby died inutero, and it was discovered for the first time with my scanning; patients who I found an ugly, cancerous tumor in. And other horrible occurrences, such as when baby D passed away. He never understood why I would get upset for them, when I didn't know them. He wouldn't put me down for it, but just didn't get it. I guess it's just the type of person I am.

But he was different this time. I was on Facebook on my phone, while Matt was on computer. I was keeping up with all the drama on the board, when I saw the post that a baby Pea passed away. I immediately said, "Oh my God. I need the computer now." Mind you, he just got the computer from me, and I was on it for a while before I gave it to him. He asked me why, sounding a little annoyed. I told him that I think a baby in my group died, and he immediately handed the computer over and said (nicely and concerned), "here, take the whole thing."

When I read what happened and told him, he was genuinely concerned. He wasn't upset, but he could tell I was upset, and I could tell it bothered him too. Not as much as me, but it bothered him. And that's not something that usually happens with Matt.

So when Matt said, "I know", when I was telling him why I was crying, I was pleasantly surprised (for lack of a better phrase. I didn't feel pleasant). He didn't tell me I was upset for no reason, and he didn't ask me why I cared so much for a stranger. I loved him more for that, oddly enough. And I know it's something that is bothering him too, because in all reality, SIDS can happen to anyone. He's been also genuinely listening to me give him updates on the situation with the baby, and he too can't believe that it happened the way it did. I just feels so nice to not have to worry about grieving for someone without feeling guilty about it.

What Really Matters

I don't know where to start. A fellow September Sweet Pea mama lost her baby Pea today. He was 3.5 months old. I cannot even begin to imagine what her and her husband are going through. I cried, and I cried, and I didn't want to put Cael down in his crib tonight, but I did. You always think it can't happen to you. As of right now, they're calling it SIDS.

For the past year, a whole group of us due in September 2011 have gotten to know each other through The Bump. At some point during our pregnancies, a bunch of us (around 300) made the move over to Facebook, where a private group was started. From there, relationships grew, and the support we gave each other became stronger. We now had names and faces to go with the screen names we've been talking to.

However, over the past week, the whole dynamic of the group has changed. Tempers flared, names were called, people were rude, and some ladies left our group. I'll spare the details, but basically, it got real ugly real quick. Especially today, when information from a private spin-off group (which I'm also a member of) became known in the main Sweet Pea group. I joined this spin-off group to keep in touch with those who decided to leave the main group for whatever reason. Shit hit the fan really fast, and people were quick to point fingers and name names, and some were even right in apologizing. This has going on since about noon.

In the midst of all this controversy; in the midst of watching our group fall to pieces; in the midst of seeing our group of 293 strong drop down to 280-something - this Sweet Pea posted that her sweet baby boy died today. It was a slap in the face. It was more than a slap in the face. It was not expected. It seemed that all the petty bullshit, all the name calling, all the high-school drama came to a screeching halt. We were all in a state of utter shock.

A lot of Sweet Peas were bickering, fighting, defending themselves, defending others, and forgetting what was really important. What really mattered, and what made us all get together in the first place. Our Sweet Peas. While all of this was going on, while some of us (myself included) were "ignoring" our Peas, or having our husbands, mothers, fathers, etc watch our Peas while we intensely watched the drama unfold on our computer screens, a fellow Pea passed away.

It's not internet relationships that matter. It's not he-said-she-said, high school drama crap that matters. It's my son that matters. It's their daughter, and their son that matter. It's our Sweet Peas that matter, and I think for a while, we all forgot that. It's easy to lose sight of what really matters in your life. It's easy to take things for granted; things you think you will always have. I cuddled Cael a little longer tonight because I realized this. I will probably not be able to sleep because of this tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or the night after. And the fact of the matter is that it's very unfortunate that it took a tragedy to yank myself and others out of this la-la land we were in, and snap back to reality.

Unfortunately, this isn't the first Pea that has passed away. We had two other Pea's pass away. Sweet Pea, D, passed away in October at 2 months old. His passing shook our group to the core, and everyone was affected greatly by his passing. We all cried, and we all hurt for his family. We all pulled together to raise money and support our fellow Sweet Pea and her husband. And we're all still there for her when she needs it. She still remains a part of our group, and I am so happy about that. Although I cannot imagine how difficult it is for her to see us all talking about our babies.

And Sweet Pea A passed away in June. He was stillborn at 25-26 weeks. That was another passing that shook us all, and we all pulled together and raised money for her as well. She's not part of our group on Facebook anymore, but I will never forget her. I think about her constantly, and I wish her and her husband the best of luck.

This is all so sad, and I just felt the need to write about it. It's very unfortunate that it took such a horrible tragedy to pull our heads out of our asses, and see what really matters in life. Yes, friendships and relationships are important, and to be honest, if it wasn't for all my fellow Sweet Peas, I'd be completely lost. They have been my rock throughout my pregnancy and after Cael was born. They're my go-to people with questions I have, and I always get answers from them. BUT, my family and my son are the most important things in my life. Not drama, and not petty nothingness. My son, my husband, my family. They are what really matter.