Considering it all, I was ok yesterday. I was sad and couldn't get it out of my head, but I was ok. However, last night, I just broke down. I was laying in bed, resting my head on Matt's arm, and just started crying. This was after I spent a few minutes with my hand on Cael's sleeping body, to reassure myself. Mind you, this is something I've done every night before going to bed, except, last night, I did it for a longer amount of time. My tears were running down my face, and onto Matt's arm. I was trying not to stir Matt, but after a few minutes, he asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was thinking about the baby and his mother. And that I could not imagine the pain and suffering she is feeling. Matt replied with, "I know."
It's only 2 words, but it's not exactly what I expected him to say. Matt is not a mean, heartless person, but most times he can't understand why I cry for "complete strangers." Like the time I came upon a guy who was struck by a car crossing the street. I'll never get that image - him laying all contorted in the middle of the road, a shoe here, a sock there, his pants down to his hips, laying motionless and bloody - out of my head. I went home after doing what I could, and cried. Matt thought it was silly that I was crying for someone I didn't know. He wasn't mean about it, but just didn't understand.
Same thing with patients that I've scanned in the past. Patient's whose baby died inutero, and it was discovered for the first time with my scanning; patients who I found an ugly, cancerous tumor in. And other horrible occurrences, such as when baby D passed away. He never understood why I would get upset for them, when I didn't know them. He wouldn't put me down for it, but just didn't get it. I guess it's just the type of person I am.
But he was different this time. I was on Facebook on my phone, while Matt was on computer. I was keeping up with all the drama on the board, when I saw the post that a baby Pea passed away. I immediately said, "Oh my God. I need the computer now." Mind you, he just got the computer from me, and I was on it for a while before I gave it to him. He asked me why, sounding a little annoyed. I told him that I think a baby in my group died, and he immediately handed the computer over and said (nicely and concerned), "here, take the whole thing."
When I read what happened and told him, he was genuinely concerned. He wasn't upset, but he could tell I was upset, and I could tell it bothered him too. Not as much as me, but it bothered him. And that's not something that usually happens with Matt.
So when Matt said, "I know", when I was telling him why I was crying, I was pleasantly surprised (for lack of a better phrase. I didn't feel pleasant). He didn't tell me I was upset for no reason, and he didn't ask me why I cared so much for a stranger. I loved him more for that, oddly enough. And I know it's something that is bothering him too, because in all reality, SIDS can happen to anyone. He's been also genuinely listening to me give him updates on the situation with the baby, and he too can't believe that it happened the way it did. I just feels so nice to not have to worry about grieving for someone without feeling guilty about it.