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Thursday, December 30, 2010

We Have A Sac, People!!

I'm 4 weeks and 5 days today. And let me tell you, I've been stressing like crazy so much today, that I felt like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all day. I guess it's because I'm nearing the same gestational age I was at when I miscarried - 5 weeks 1 day. I was freaking out so much, that my co-worker S tried scanning me with our machine. Because I'm still so early, we didn't see much, and that was expected. So S suggested that we go over the ultrasound department, and see if we could use one of those machines. So we headed on over to see if they were busy. One of the techs there, J, wasn't doing anything at the moment, so she said she would scan me. And we saw a GESTATIONAL SAC AND YOLK SAC!! I started crying instantly, because we didn't have a sac like this last time. We should definitely see an embryo and heartbeat in one week when we go for our official ultrasound. I am so over the moon and ecstatic! Also, here is a picture of my "bump". It's actually more like bloat, and some weight-gain from the holidays. :)

4 Weeks 5 Days

C'mon little one - STICK! Please, I'm begging you. As I approach the 5 week 1 day mark - when I miscarried last time - I'm getting more anxious. I know my numbers are great, and I go for an ultrasound in a week, but I can't help but feel that anxious feeling. Like I'm setting myself up for failure because I feel this pregnancy is the one. :::sigh::: Enjoy one day at a time, Joanne. One day at a time.

I've also started up a blog for the ladies on the September 2011 board. Since I'm on the dang computer everyday, I figured why not? And I'm enjoying doing it. It'd be a fun way to keep tabs on everyone as we get further along. I just hope I'm not setting myself (and the ladies) up for disappointment, because God forbid something happens, I'm the only one with access to the blog because it's under my account...ONE DAY AT A TIME, JOANNE. ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Monday, December 27, 2010

I Bought A Journal

So today I bought a journal for this pregnancy. Unlike my last pregnancy, this isn't a dedicated pregnancy journal, but just a regular journal from the Willow Tree collection, which I love. I has a Willow Tree 3D emblem on the front, blank line pages inside, and on the back cover there is a pocket to put keepsake items, such as photos. Also, in the front there is the saying, "Kept forever in the heart". I'm going to start writing in it today, since I'm at work, and the snow is scaring away all of our patients. I have 2 more patients to do, but not for another 2 hours!

Is it bad that I've already started a wish-list of baby items at Target and Babies R' Us? I've been looking at cribs, and everything already. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think that is a completely normal side effect of the excitement :).

Oh yea! And I got on Thursday January 6th for my first ultrasound to make sure everything is forming properly. I have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, and hope that this is our sticky baby. The fact that my blood work is doing so well has made this start to feel so much more real. I just can't get over it!

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

So Far, So Good!

I got the results of my third bhCG blood work today....And everything is progressing perfectly! My numbers more than doubled to 450 today! Grow baby, GROW! The midwife said that my progesterone was good too, but didn't give me the number. I trust her. So because I've had 2 doubling tests, she doesn't find it necessary to do anymore blood work. She told me to call the office tomorrow, and schedule an ultrasound to check on the progress of things and for a heartbeat, for a week from Tuesday! I'm so excited! I cannot wait to see our little blob on the screen. It's finally feeling real at this point. Like...really real. I'm pregnant. I'm really pregnant, and although it's early, everything is going well so far. I truly believe that my beta's never got as high as my second round of blood work did this time around. And honestly, I would be surprised if they even got over 100. Technically, by next Tuesday, I would be 5 weeks 3 days. I think that would be too early to see a heartbeat, but then again, my midwife knows best, right? Maybe because my betas are doubling so quickly and seem higher, then maybe I'm further along than I thought? But that can't be, because I know when I ovulated. Oh well, I'll schedule the ultrasound for when she says, and then we'll go from there.

I'm so happy and excited, and what makes me even happier, is that Matt seems happier and more concerned this time around. He came out and told me that he was really happy and relieved that my numbers doubled again. That means the world to me. He's not usually one to vocalize what he's feeling, so when he does, you know he really means it. And when we're laying in bed falling asleep, he'll hold me and put his hand on my belly. That also means the world to me. I love my husband and this little being growing inside of me that we created together, so much, there are hardly words.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas To Me - I Think I'm Starting To Get Symptoms :)

So I've been noticing these twinges in my pelvic area, on either side. But mostly on the right side. We were upstairs with Matt's family opening presents, and this one twinge that happened where my right ovary would be was such a shock, it stopped me mid-sentence. They're not cramps, so I'm not getting worked up over it. I think I vaguely remember this happening early on in my last pregnancy, like around where I'm at now. OH yea! I'm 4 weeks today :) I'm so excited. Only 36 weeks to go LOL! My nipples are also starting to feel sensitive, even just brushing along my pj's. The boobs aren't sore yet though, but I'm definitely expecting them to soon. Yay for the start of pregnancy symptoms! Bring it on - I gladly welcome them!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope Santa treated everyone nice and everyone got what they hoped for. My husband treated me great, getting me (and baby) tons of gifts. He got me Ugg boots - which I absolutely wanted! Awesome ones too - He says they're the new style out now. He also got the baby (albeit it's early) a bunch of funny onesies from Spencers. Matt and I are absolutely thrilled and beyond happy. Finding out our pregnancy is going well so far, being with family, and everything Matt got me, and I got him has made this a wonderful Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Oh yea, we go for my third hcg level blood draw tomorrow. Keep hoping for more doubling numbers!

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Friday, December 24, 2010

And The Results Are In...

And my beta's more than doubled! They went from 43 to 138 in 48 hours! I am beyond thrilled - there are no words. What another great Christmas gift this is. My progesterone also increased to 33.4 - which is fabulous. We will be telling my mom and Matt's family tomorrow morning, on Christmas morning. I can't wait. Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Blood Draw #2 Is Tomorrow

So tomorrow afternoon, I will be going for blood work #2 for this pregnancy. They will be checking to see if my hcg is doubling like it should be. My progesterone was good yesterday, so I don't expect any changes there. I should then find out tomorrow evening what my results are. I have to call the ob office, have my midwife paged, and then she will call labor & delivery to get my results. It sounds like such a drawn out process just to get blood work results. I kind of feel bad calling and having her paged for results, but it's what they said to do. So you better believe that I will do that. I then go again on Sunday for more blood work. I'm so nervous about the results tomorrow. I am really, really hoping that they double. Please double. And please stick, Little One.

I'm going to put the thermometer away, as well as the remaining hpt's I have. My temp dropped this morning (but not below my coverline), but enough to make me worry. So I peed on another test this morning just to calm me down, and the line was darker than it was on the previous
tests. Still faint, but darker. After asking about the temps after a positive test on the Bump board, I decided to take the advice of the ladies there, and stop temping. It definitely adds stress! Here is my test from this morning. :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wow. I Just Realized..

That my due date for this pregnancy falls on the same day as the date that I miscarried. I'm still in shock that I didn't realize this sooner. Like, after I ovulated and FF told me my EDD would be September 3, 2011 if I conceived this cycle, I should have realized it then. But I didn't. I find that very eerie. Hopefully it's a good sign.

And So The Journey Begins

So today, I called my ob/gyn with a slew of questions - half pregnancy related, half not. Long story short, I've been having some problems "down there", consisting of rash, itchiness, etc. So I went in on Monday for a visit, and they did an exam and sent a swab for a culture. I was initially supposed to call today to get those results, but it just so happens that I got my positive pregnancy test this morning too. How convenient. So I called for those results, and to let them know that I got a + hpt, and to get an order for blood work. They finally called me back around lunch time, and I was off to get my blood drawn. The midwife said that if my progesterone was low, they would immediately start me on progesterone suppositories. She also said the initial beta doesn't really mean much, but todays in combination with Friday's beta is what will count. They want to see them double every 48 hours. So I go again Friday and Sunday.

So I got a call around 5pm today from a midwife at the office with my results. I'm so happy that I didn't have to wait until tomorrow for my results. My progesterone looks good at 28.1, so I don't need suppositories; and my hcg is 43. What's going to matter is Friday's number - I'm seriously hoping that it doubles by Friday. The midwife also said that if they are doubled within the 3 times I have my blood tested, then they won't need to do any more blood work. I will then go in for an ultrasound around the first week of January (I will be around 6 weeks then) to check for a heartbeat. If there's a heart beat, then I definitely don't need anymore blood work done. Hopefully, they will still continue to monitor me until I'm done with my first trimester. It's going to be a long next couple of months, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

A wonderful lady from the TTCAL board, Noah-Bear (click for her etsy shop), was generous enough to make hand-stamped washer ornaments for the ladies on the board for Christmas. I got mine in the mail today, and I absolutely love it. I immediately put it on our tree. She also was looking for someone to make a cuff bracelet for, so she made one for me. It's also hand-stamped, and says "in memory of our johnny appleseed 9.3.10". It came out perfect. I can't wait to wear it to work tomorrow. I am so thrilled that we are pregnant, and now I can say I'm looking forward to 2011.

I'm...Just Speechless

Fear. Excitement. Happiness. Terror. Numbness. Joy.

My test came up Positive. Like, really positive. It says "Pregnant" on it. Like, there's a baby growing inside me right now. I just don't know what to say. I can't believe I got pregnant so fast. My heart really breaks for those women who struggle to get pregnant. I can't even imagine what they're going through. And almost feel guilty that I got pregnant so quickly.

I really hope that this pregnancy sticks around for a little while. I'm really, really hoping. Can you tell I'm at a loss for words? I have so much going through my head right now. I haven't let the pregnancy test out of my sight. I keep looking at it, thinking a "Not" might show up in front of the word "Pregnant". I got up to go to the gym, but I'm not sure I want to now. I really should though, to keep up with it.

One day at a time. I know I'm extremely early - only 3 weeks 4 days today. Anything can happen at this point. I'm trying to not get too excited, but at the same time, taking it day by day, and I will try not to be a worry wart. I know to enjoy each day I get, as I may not have it tomorrow.

Oh yea. My estimated due date? September 3, 2011. I guess I can stop squeezing my boobs and nipples now to see if they're sore.

Stick baby, STICK!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Hope For This Cycle Is Fading

All of the "symptoms" I had are gone. My boobs don't hurt, I have no cramping, and honestly, I've scanned my uterus and my endometrial lining has even gone down - 7.8mm to 6.0mm. Not a good sign of pregnancy. The only thing I have going for me this cycle is that my temperatures continue to remain elevated, and higher than usual. So because of all that, in addition to not feeling pregnant (like I did last time), I think this cycle is a bust. I started testing 3 days ago. I'm not sure why so early. Maybe because I have those sensitive tests that can test a minimum hcg of 10? Either way, none of them have showed even the faintest line of hope. All negative. I'm only at CD10, so technically it's not over till it's over, but still. I just feel like this cycle will be ending soon. I actually hope it does (if I'm not pregnant, that is). My period should be here in 4-5 days. Then on to the next one.

I can't even hope for a birthday BFP, because my damn cycles are long and I'm a late ovulator. Maybe a Valentine's Day BFP? Actually, if I ovulate on schedule, I'd know about a week and a half before V-Day. I guess that would be fun. I just want my baby now. I would have been halfway through my pregnancy by now. I'd be 20 weeks 5 days by now. I really need to stop counting. It can't be good for my mental health. ::sigh::

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Allow Me To Introduce...

My furbabies! We got Killian, our Chocolate Lab, in October 2005. He was born August 7, 2005 and we got him from a private breeder when he was 8 weeks old. He picked us, which was perfect. When he was little, he looked just like a bear! I can't believe how much time has passed since we got him - he just turned 5 in August! Although he is a purebred, he has his fair share of health issues. Basically, he has allergies - environmental and to DUST MITES! Funny thing is that dust mites originate because of animals. So he is allergic to himself essentially. He also gets chronic ear infections (since he was a puppy), skin rashes, and gets allergy shots monthly from us. With all that, we still love him very much, and he has nothing but love for us.

Then there is Tyson. He turned 3 in June, as he was born June 22, 2007. He is our little "butt nugget", or "football" as my in-laws call him (because he is pudgy and brown, like a football). He is a Boston Terrier/Jack Russell mix, and actually, not really hyper at all. He is my snuggle baby, as he likes to burrow himself under the covers, and snuggle with Matt or I. He sleeps in our bed at night, whereas Killian doesn't, because he growls anytime your feet get close to him. Aside from going into anaphylactic shock when he got his second booster shot, he is in pretty good health.

The two of them love each other very much, and whenever they are apart, they whine for each other. It's very cute, actually.

Finally, meet Bonnie and Clyde - our Sugar Gliders. They are brother and sister. Matt got them for me for last Christmas, in November. Unfortunately, we are their 3rd owners, so they never got to fully bond to a "human". The poor things. Because of this, they're taking longer than usual to bond to me. They were about 8 months old when we got them in November 2009. Matt and I drove down to Staten Island to get them from this lady who couldn't keep them. Clyde is more calm and relaxed than Bonnie is, and he isn't as jumpy. He was the first to let me pet him. I may not be able to currently cuddle them like I wanted to, but I still love them, and I know one day they will fully bond to me.

Everything Sleep

This comes to mind, and I feel a load of comfort when I think of it. I couldn't sleep the other night, but I said this about 3 times, and was able to fall asleep. I'm not religious by any means, but for some reason, the words comfort me.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It makes me think of my baby that I lost. Although I was really early when I miscarried, and I can in no way say that Johnny Appleseed was "born" asleep, it just comforts me that whatever soul JA had is in good hands. Where ever it is.

Speaking of sleep, my co-worker came to me this morning, and told me about a dream she had last night that was about me. She said in her dream, she was me. It was cool outside, so sometime around fall - September/October-ish. Before she realized subconsciously that it was me in her dream, she picked up this little baby dressed in all pink and was cuddling it. She told me she was thinking, "What am I doing with a baby?" That's when she realized that she was me in her dream. So she came to me this morning, and said, "Girl. You're going to have a girl in October." Shocked, I replied, "What? How do you know that?" She then told me her dream. I asked her if it could have possibly been September, and she said it could be, because it was cool outside, but not freezing - so sometime in the fall. It made me really happy, because Fertility Friend says if I conceive this cycle, my EDD would be September 3, 2011. That's close enough to fall for me! And even if not this cycle, and next, it would bring me into October. I hope dreams really do come true.

I have now been completely off of my sleep medications since around November 22nd, and I've actually (and surprisingly) been doing very well. I haven't had too many instances where I wanted to fall asleep during work, or even worse, while driving. I did nod off while driving when I was pregnant, and went off the road, and that was the scariest thing ever. I don't feel like I need to sleep all the time. It actually feels great. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I'm driving and my eyes just feel heavy and want to close, but compared to what it was previously when I was off my meds, I'm doing good. They say studies have shown that pregnancy can sometimes cure Hypersomnia. I don't know exactly if that means full-term pregnancies and delivery, or any length of pregnancy, but I'd like to think that my little Johnny Appleseed has helped my Hypersomnia symptoms ease a little. My little miracle.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Grow Cyst, Grow!

So that cyst I previously told you about is still around. Meaning I haven't ovulated yet. But that's ok, because I didn't think I did anyway. Well, after looking at it yesterday and seeing it was smaller, I was a little upset, thinking it was just re-absorbing into my body, and I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle :::my paranoid self:::. So today, I took another peek at my ovary, and now it's bigger - about 2.2cm in its greatest dimension. Yay - it's getting bigger! Which probably means I should be ovulating soon. Here is my lovely little cyst, which will hopefully release a tiny little egg, which will hopefully produce a beautiful little baby :::fingers crossed:::

So now I have a confession to make. I really had to pee today at work before I left to go home. Like, really had to pee. But I didn't want to waste the pee, given I didn't have an ovulation prediction test with me, and I have an hour and 15 minute drive home, and probably would have pissed myself if I hit a little bump in the road. SO, I "borrowed" a specimen cup from work, and peed in it so I could bring my pee home to dip an OPK in and test with that urine. I figured if I peed, and then went home and peed again, that second pee would have less LH in it. However, the best part of this story is as follows: So we already established that I really had to pee. Well, apparently I had to pee so bad, that I ended up overshooting the cup, and peed all over my hand and cup! Ugh! I guess I couldn't control how fast I peed. Needless to say, when

I finally got home and dipped the OPK, it was negative. BUT, the test line was darker than it had been in previous days although the test line was just slightly lighter than the control line. This means my LH is starting to go up, so I will test again in the morning to hopefully catch this surge. I don't want to wait another 24 hours to test again for fear of missing my surge. Granted, my last surge lasted 3 days; But I still don't know what my cycles are like, so I'd rather be safe than sorry. What a lovely less-than-positive OPK. Hopefully it will be positive tomorrow!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

We've Got A Cyst, People!!

That's correct. My right ovary will be the one that releases that precious egg this cycle (hopefully, that is). I was having some twinges on my right side, so I asked a co-worker to take a "peek" at my ovaries, because I had a feeling I have a cyst. It's not too big yet, but I can definitely feel it, and it's getting there. :::Fingers Crossed:::

Monday, November 29, 2010


My miscarriage. Was is caused by the intense cardio workouts I did at the Aerobics Convention days before finding out I was pregnant? Or was it because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times? I knew enough to stay out of the hot tub while in Cape Cod because I know it's not good to raise your body temperature while pregnant. I did, however, sit on the edge of the hot tub and just put my legs in. Could that have done it? Or could it be that we didn't wait long enough after coming off of my NuvaRing? Maybe it's a culmination of everything. I still have an Ipod app that is still set to my original May 5, 2011 due date. I haven't removed the date. I'm not sure why. Today I would have been 17 weeks 4 days. I would be finding out what gender the baby would be, and be able to tell family for Christmas. I would have a cute baby bump. I would be almost feeling the baby kick. I would be wearing maternity clothes. But I'm not. And I can't help but think that it was something that I did wrong. I know it's an irrational thought, because these things happen, and for sometimes reasons unknown. But it's still a thought in my mind. All I know is that I can't wait to be pregnant again. I won't complain about the nausea, or the cramping, or weight gain. I won't complain about my clothes not fitting, or the heartburn. Or about being uncomfortable, or about my legs and feet swelling. I really want to be pregnant now. I really hope that this cycle will be it for us. I know I can't complain because we haven't been trying for that long at all, compared to several other couples. They can complain, but not me. But I still want this cycle to be it. I want that baby bump. I want to not be allowed to drink on New Years. Or on my birthday. I want our take-home baby. And I don't want to wait much longer.

Ok, vent over. Thanks for listening.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Black Friday Madness And More

So yesterday I joined the crazy, insane ranks of those people who wake up way before dawn to get a head start on Christmas shopping. Yesterday, I went out on Black Friday. I was initially terrified and scared of going out with the mad masses of people shopping, but it wasn't bad at all. I even had fun! I have to say, that given the circumstances of my miscarriage and the heartache associated with it, I am very excited this Christmas. In past years, I have dreaded Christmas and shopping/gift giving. But this year is different, and I don't know why. Maybe because we have enough money to spend on each other for Christmas. Or maybe because this year I'm not stressing about what to buy Matt, and feel that I'm doing pretty good as far as buying gifts for Matt. I'm just really excited.

So I woke up yesterday at 2:30am, showered, and was out the door at 3:15am to start shopping at 4:30am. I went to (in order) Walmart, Best Buy, the Mall, PetSmart and Target. I even had my picture taken by Action News 12 in Binghamton while at the mall. They were doing a story on shoppers out on Black Friday, and I saw them when I went into the mall. I was behind the guy doing the interviews for the news station, but I just kept on going. I was on a mission with my list in hand. I thought that was the end of that. But last night when I was looking on their website to see the story they had, I was looking through still-shots they took of shoppers at the mall, and Lo and Behold - there I was! It's not the most flattering picture of me because I didn't know they were taking it (and didn't see them), but needless to say, I made the picture! It made me happy. I'm in the bottom right-hand corner of the picture, carrying the blue bag. Not bad, huh?

So while out yesterday, I got about 95% of my shopping done. As far as family goes, I only have a few items left to get. And for Matt, there are a couple of things I still need to get. But since it's still early with about a month left to go before Christmas, there is still plenty of time to get what is on my list, and probably more. All of my wrapping is done too. Everything I've bought for Christmas is wrapped already. I finished today, but numbered everything and wrote everything down on a list so I can remember what I bought and which gift is what. Just in case I need to open up one and return it, etc.

Also, I ordered highly sensitive home pregnancy tests that can test 10 miu/ml of HCG, meaning you can test 7-10 days after ovulation. I ordered them on the 23rd, and they arrived quickly yesterday. I have to say I'm impressed. I also ordered 5 ovulation prediction kits in order to get free shipping. I'm so ready for this cycle, and excited for the same time. It's on like Donkey Kong - this cycle has to be it!

Monday, November 15, 2010

So That Was A Shocker

I had a BIG temp spike this morning when I temped. Like, almost the highest temperature on my chart all cycle. This after a temp drop yesterday. After my temp drop yesterday, I figured I was out this cycle, because I should be expecting AF soon. Well, I guess not, because this morning I got a temp spike that would lead me to think otherwise. Also, I changed my chart a little too (meaning, I removed my very early +OPK, and removed the override feature), which in turn gave me a definite cross-hair for ovulation on CD28 - 2 days later than I thought I ovulated. WHICH MEANS, when I tested on Saturday and originally thought that I was 10dpo, I was really 8dpo. Which means today is when I'd be 10dpo. So there still is a chance that I could be pregnant this cycle.

My chart is driving me nuts, and I have no idea what to think or believe anymore. Yesterday, I was fully ready for AF to arrive, so that we could really, officially and "appropriately" try this next cycle. I figured, "Okay, we will do this right, the way our MW wants us to." And then today, I get a temp spike, and my thoughts turn to, "Okay, maybe AF won't be coming today, or tomorrow, and it looks like there is a chance I could be pregnant this cycle."

The more I try to analyze it, the more I drive myself crazy and cause my anxiety to rise. Like, right now - I feel like I'm on the verge of having an anxiety attack, and I just want to cry. My mind is just racing all over the place. What if we are pregnant? What if it ends in another miscarriage? Would I be able to handle another miscarriage emotionally? Is getting pregnant a cycle earlier than we were supposed going to affect anything? Is my MW going to be upset with me if we are pregnant a cycle ahead of when we were supposed to try? I can keep going on, but I'd end up with a novel of worries and what-ifs.

The kicker is that I have 1 test left, and it's a digital. I don't want to waste a digital if I'm not sure. Trust me, if I had other tests around, you best believe I would have peed on it by now. I don't get paid until Thursday, and unfortunately, money has been tight these last few weeks because of all the festivities we had in October. It ran our bank account dry pretty much. That means there is no extra money to spend on HPT's until Thursday. Great. I just have to suck it up, and put on my big-girl panties, as my mother-in-law would say, and wait until Thursday to test. It's going to be a loonngggg next 3 days. That is, unless AF decides to show her face.

Quickly: So to go along with my craziness and anxiety, my phantom EDD if I am pregnant this cycle would be August 13, 2011. That is not based on my LMP (because right now, I am on day 38 of my cycle, so LMP would be inaccurate), but based on a conception date of Saturday, November 6th; a day after my suspected ovulation date. That in itself opens up a bunch of conflicting issues surrounding that date (like my BF's wedding - August 19; and Matts' cousin's wedding - August 12). BUT, lets not get too ahead of ourselves now. I first need a positive HPT before I can start planning that far ahead. And not to mention, a pregnancy that goes well past 5 weeks and 1 day. :::sigh:::

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I Caved This Weekend

So I was going to originally wait until tomorrow, Sunday, to take my first home pregnancy test of this cycle. But, I caved, and took one this morning when I woke up. It was..::: drum roll please::: NEGATIVE. I can't say I'm surprised though. I am only 10 days past ovulation. I was 12 days past ovulation when I was pregnant last time, and got a positive home pregnancy test. I will now probably wait until maybe Tuesday morning to test again. I only have a digital test left, and I don't want to waste it. So I'm going to probably end up buying Dollar Store cheapie HPT's.

If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, I guess that will be okay with me. We technically weren't supposed to be trying until next cycle anyway. If this isn't the cycle for us, I really hope that next cycle will give us our take-home baby.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

113 pounds of B!TCH

Ugh. Today was such a crappy day. I am in the worst mood every. And I guess I really don't know why. I am about 6 days past ovulation, so it's not O moodiness...And I shouldn't be getting AF (aunt flow) for another week and a half...That is unless we're pregnant this cycle. Which, by the way, I have some guilt about (I'll discuss later). I think my crankiness started this morning when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear to work. Then the day was long, and heat was broken at work and it was like a sauna, and work was a little frustrating today. Some of the day, I just wanted to punch a wall; the rest of the day I wanted to cry. And when I got home, I wanted to punch Matt. Maybe because I'm cranky. Maybe because he wasn't home when I got home from work for me to vent to. Or maybe because he got nasty and yelled at me when I called him because the dogs were making noise coming out of their crate while he was trying to ask me a question. I yelled back by the way. Oh yea - the question he wanted to ask me? "Can you start my work clothes in the washer for me?" Yes, sure honey. Ugh. To top it off, I had to scan a patient today (boobie related - not OB related) who was 20 or so weeks pregnant. Great. Usually it doesn't bother me. But today it did for some reason. I miss being pregnant. I should have the start of a belly by now. I would be 14 weeks and 5 days right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I've been good lately. I just want to be pregnant again, and have our baby. I kind of want to cry now thinking about it.

So about feeling guilty. My mid-wife said for Matt and I to wait 2-3 cycles before we started trying again. Honestly, I don't know why so long. I know every doctor is different and every situation is different. But I was so early, and there was no sign of even a baby. My levels went to 0 in one week after my miscarriage because they weren't high to begin with. Maybe it was because we got pregnant right away the cycle following me coming off birth control? I don't know. Maybe it was for my emotional well-being; I was really devastated, and couldn't stop crying during that visit.

So I'm in the middle of my second cycle right now - O'd 6 days ago - so that means if I went by my MW, then Matt and I could start trying again after I get this cycles' AF. Right? Well, I think we went against that advice. Honestly, we ran out of condoms. Or at least we thought we did. It was an honest "mistake". I found 2 under the bed while collecting laundry. So we had sex without a condom. This was last week. Two days before ovulation. Oops. Thing is, my temps were so screwy in the beginning of the cycle, I figured to hell with it, I'm not O'ing this cycle. I guess I was wrong, because I started peeing on OPK's (ovulation prediction kits), and I got 3 positives in a row starting the day after we had sex. And then I had a 3cm cyst on my right ovary that ruptured sometime Wednesday night (day I O'd). So I'm pretty sure I O'd on that day. Although, FF (fertility friend) still hasn't given me CH's (cross hairs) yet for an O day, so I overrode it, and set my O date the CD26. So now, we have to wait for next week to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant. Maybe that's why the moodiness? But it would be too early for moodiness, as I am only 6 days after ovulation. The little speck would just be nestling into my uterus.

The reason I feel guilty is that my MW said to wait 2-3 cycles (meaning 2-3 periods), and I've only had 1 period so far. Maybe I can make myself feel better by thinking, maybe she meant 2-3 months? In that case, I'd be golden. But in reality, I know she meant periods. But whatever makes me sleep at night, right? I would feel so bad and guilty if I did get pregnant, and I miscarried again because we didn't wait like we should have. But then again, plenty of people have had doctors tell them it's OK to try again after 1 period. Some doctors even say couples can try right after a miscarriage (assuming they will ovulate immediately following a miscarriage). I would also be so frustrated with myself, Matt and in general if we did have a miscarriage because we didn't wait long enough, and we had to wait even longer to try. I wonder if it was even worth it to not use a condom. I do hope I'm pregnant, but at the same time, I hope if I am that it's not being jeopardized because we were being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that things happen, and you can't change the past. You can only prepare for the future. Hopefully it's a future (very near future) with a healthy pregnancy, and not a future with another miscarriage caused by our lack of responsibility. :::fingers crossed:::

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Getting There

So to continue the story about my mom, and the stress she gives me :) So I told my brother to call an ambulance because something was obviously wrong with mom. So he called one, and off to the hospital they took her. They ran a bunch of tests on her from a chest X-Ray (what's a hospital visit without one of those!), to testing several vials of blood, to a head CT. Now, they called a Code Orange on my mom (which I'm assuming is a neuro/stroke code), and actually removed a patient mid-scan from the CT to scan my mom. When my step-dad told me that, I knew it probably wasn't good. My first impression from talking to my mom prior was either a stroke or mini-stroke. Based on the hospitals actions, I was assuming they were thinking the same thing.

So it also took 3 techs and 7 pokes to my moms arms to get any blood for testing. They were checking everything from liver/kidney function to drug testing. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending how you look at it) everything in the blood work was negative. And her head CT was also negative. WHAT?! Um, then why is mom like this?? So because they still didn't know what was going on, and even though she was starting to come to with NO memory of that entire afternoon what-so-ever, they admitted her. It was Sunday night around 11:30pm by the time they put her in a room. Oh yea, and she was on the Stroke Unit. Great.

So the next morning, I get up and do my usual thing - take my temperature, eat a little something, go to the gym, shower, and then head to work. I called a good friend/co-worker while I was on my way to work, to give her a heads up about the happenings of the night before, so she could forewarn our other co-worker/supervisor. So I show up at work, and my other co-worker looks at me, and says, "Why are you here?" I told her because my step-dad and Matt said to not go down, because they still don't know what's going on with mom, and I had just got back from Long Island "hours" before. She then asked me if I wanted to go back, and to that I started crying, saying that I'm scared, and yes I do want to be with my mom. With that, she then told me to "get out of here", and not to worry, the building will still be around when I get back. She told me to take off as much as I needed, and if it was the whole week (I was going BACK to LI on Thursday for my BF's wedding) that would be fine - it wouldn't be worth it to drive back on, say Wednesday, work a day, and then drive all the way back. So I did an about-face, punched out, and headed home (an hour and 15 minutes away) to pack for a week.

Ok, so longer story short, I drove to Long Island, and got there by around 4ish pm. I stayed with mom until about 8:30pm that night. She looked good, and was surprised to see me. Of course, she asked me "who told you I was here?", and I looked at her, a little nervous, and said, "Mom, when I talked to you at 7:00 this morning, I told you that I was the one who told Rob to call an ambulance." To that she said, "Oh yea, that's right. I remember now." :/ I then went on to jokingly ask her what her birthday was (Which I think is going to be a long-standing inside joke now). That day, they did an MRA, MRI, and echocardiogram. All of which were NEGATIVE. Huh?? What??? Negative? Well, then mom, you're not going anywhere until they find out what happened, and why you still can't remember anything from Sunday.

Lo and behold, they did have a reason. They called it Prednisone Psychosis. And after looking it up (I thought the doctor was pulling this out of her ass), it made sense - she had all the symptoms, which oddly enough, mimic a stroke. Mom has been on and off Prednisone for years for bad lungs and chronic pneumonia. She was just finishing up a tapered dose for pneumonia when this happened.

So, she didn't have a stroke or mini-stroke, and all of this was caused by a drug. One drug. Amazing. I'm just happy that mom is ok, and there was nothing seriously wrong with her. She was discharged on Tuesday with no restrictions, except to stay away from Prednisone. Thank God. So I stayed down for the rest of the week to help out with the kids, and when mom was feeling better and I knew she was ok, I transitioned over to wedding stuff. Which, by the way, the wedding was so beautiful, and so much fun. And I have a new favorite picture of Matt and I (above).
In other news, October is over - YAY!
And I started using OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kits - pretty much a stick you pee on that tells you when you're about to ovulate), and got my first + OPK on CD 19, October 27. I also got a positive last night, and this morning right after I temped. Initially, after the first +OPK, I thought I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle because my temps were so weird, and didn't show any temp spike to go along with ovulation. But now, I have a temp spike, and 2 +OPK's. So I guess I'm going to O; just a little later than expected.

Friday, October 29, 2010

It's Been A While

I realized I haven't written here in a long time. I'm sorry guys. Matt and I are so much closer to trying again. I'm halfway through this cycle (although, I still don't know if I'm going to ovulate or not), so after this next period, Matt and I will be golden to start trying again. I'm so excited, yet nervous at the same time. I know I've only miscarried once, and there are several ladies that I've talked to on TheBump who have had several miscarriages/pregnancy losses, but I just want my take-home baby. I hope we're able to conceive on our first try.

In other news, so much has happened in the last few weeks. I just can't wait for this month to be over! It's been fun though!

I have my bf's wedding coming up tomorrow. It will be a Halloween/Fall themed wedding, and I'm in it. I LOVE our bridesmaids dresses. They're black and floor-length, so they are definitely a dress we can wear again. We finished all the programs and favors, and now we're just doing some last minute things to get ready.

My uncles wedding was last weekend. It was a lot of fun, but there was drama as well. Which is to be expected at an Italian wedding :) So last weekend, the wedding was on Saturday, and Matt and I went down to Long Island on Friday night (Oh yea, almost EVERYTHING I've done this month involved me driving down to LI). We left for home on Sunday around 11:30am. We were about 10 minutes from home when I get a call from my brother that there is something wrong with mom. He was asking me if she was ok when I left the house that morning, and she was. So I called my moms, and my other brother answered the phone, and I was asking him what was going on. He said mom was acting weird, saying weird things, and seeing things. So I had him put me on the phone with her. After talking to her for less than a minute, I had her put my brother back on the phone, and I told him that they needed to call an ambulance. My other brother (who called me in the first place - he's 20) was 5 minutes from home, so they waited on calling the ambulance until he came home and could assess what was happening. I hung up the phone, and waiting until he called me back from home.

So my brother called me back, and I spoke to him, and he said there was definitely something wrong with mom. I spoke to my mom one more time, in which I asked her what her birthday was - the golden question for assessing mental status. When she couldn't tell me, and also couldn't tell me what day it was, I told her to put my brother on the phone. I said, "Rob, you need to call an ambulance right NOW. She can't tell me her birthday." After he hung up with me, they called the ambulance and took her to the hospital. I knew it wasn't good based on me talking to mom.

I will have to leave you at this for now, because I have to go do wedding festivities. But I will tell you that she is ok now, and out of the hospital after a 2 day stay. I will continue later.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I've been doing good so far. However, as each day passes, the more and more I wish I was still pregnant. I seriously can't wait until December comes. Actually, if my cycles stay consistent, we may actually be able to try at the end of November. And that would be awesome :).

I scanned a patient today that was 17 weeks pregnant with her third child, and she was obviously showing (the scan was not pregnancy related). As soon as I saw her information sheet which said that she was pregnant, my heart sank. But I had to fight through my feelings of sorrow, anger and jealously, put on a smile, and of course do her ultrasound. Is it bad that when I saw her belly, I wished it was me? I wished I was pregnant, and became extremely jealous of her? It's probably normal to feel that way, but at the same time, I work in the health field, and feel that I should not have these feelings. After all, I don't know what she had to possibly go through to become pregnant. And of course, I didn't let my feelings compromise the level of care I provided to her. I would never let that happen. I love my job too much to risk that.

I think I may be getting my period this weekend, which I would be thankful for. However, I will be away this weekend, and am hoping that it's not too heavy that I'm uncomfortable. I will be at my best friend's engagement party, and I want to be able to enjoy it. I'm not sure if I will drink though. I'm still undecided. I think since July, I've had maybe 1 beer?? (after my miscarriage, of course). I don't know - I just feel guilty drinking, because in my mind, I should still be pregnant, and therefore not allowed to drink. But I have to realize that I'm not pregnant anymore, and I should be able to continue to enjoy life. All I can keep thinking about is that with every passing day, December is getting closer. Plus, with how much I have going on in October, I'm sure it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Lets see: In October, I will have only been home for 1 weekend out of the 5 in October (which was last weekend). This weekend I will be on Long Island for an engagement party, and will be coming back Sunday. Then Tuesday the 12th, I am having an upper Endoscopy done for stomach problems I've been having. I then leave for Denver, CO on Thursday the 14th for an Ultrasound conference, and return Sunday the 17th to be at work on Monday the 18th. THEN, the next weekend, which is the 23rd, I have to go to Long Island again for my uncles wedding. And finally, the last weekend in October, which is the 30th, I will be in my other best friend's wedding. Not to mention I have 2 other doctor appointments in there somewhere, and bowling leagues on Sunday nights...PHEW! What a crazy month! I feel like I'm forgetting something though..Oh well, I'll think of it..

So long for now. Hoping I get my period this weekend, but also at the same time, looking forward to my BF's engagement party :)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Journal And Picture

So yesterday marked 3 weeks since I miscarried. I would have been 8 weeks 2 days today. And I would have had my 8 week appointment on Monday, the 27th. But I'm not. I've been getting better and the days have been getting easier. I've received 2 sympathy cards, which I greatly appreciate. One was from my brother and sister-in-law, and the other one I received was from a co-worker 2 days ago. It's nice to know that they care about me. Sending a card is a small gesture, but means a whole lot more.

I have to be honest. I'm a sonographer. Right after I found out I was pregnant, when I was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant, I decided to scan myself to see if I could see anything, and check to see if I had my dates right. I never told anyone this (except for Matt and my mom). I couldn't really see too much of anything, but I did see a really small sac. I guess that should have been my first clue that maybe something was wrong. I should have at least seen a sac that was larger, and maybe a yolk sac. But of course you think it could never happen to you, so I just assumed my dates were off, and I was earlier than I thought. Fortunately, I was able to print a few pictures of my little sac to keep. Little did I know that was going to be the only proof (other than the pregnancy test and betas) that I was pregnant. That tiny sac. I fell in love with it, and in my mind, it was perfect. Nothing could be wrong, right? Boy was I wrong. But it's ok. I've come to "terms" with it, and I'm happy that I have those few pictures. I consider myself

very fortunate because a lot of women don't get to see their baby that early, and I did. So here is my little baby that was. The little sac is the little black area at the tip of my index finger. Isn't it so cute?

I still have my pregnancy journal, and will never get rid of them. I keep the pictures I have and the cards I got in it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't wait until December comes. Hopefully it won't take too long for Matt and I to get pregnant. I can't wait for that day, although I am going to be terrified that I will go through this again. But I know I can't think like that. I will just have to enjoy it day by day, knowing that I will never know what the next day holds. But I will climb that mountain when the time comes.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Two Weeks Gone

It has been two weeks since my miscarriage today. I would have been 7 weeks 1 day. I do have to say it's been getting easier, day by day. I find myself thinking about it everyday, but not dwelling on it. I think that the idea of December approaching soon is very comforting to me, because that is when we can start trying again. I know I will get my take-home baby soon. I just have to be patient.
I also take comfort in the fact that I got pregnant, and that I can get pregnant. My heart goes out to those families who have infertility issues - I would never wish that on anyone.

Again, this is a short post, but I will be back soon.

Monday, September 13, 2010

In Memory

I decided that I wanted something to remember my pregnancy/baby. I already have a Pandora bracelet that I started with a die charm from when hubby and I went to Atlantic City. So I decided that the best way to remember my lost pregnancy would be to get a charm. I didn't know what the best type of charm would be, so I went to the jeweler to look through what they had. That's when it hit me - A birthstone charm would be perfect. My due date was May 5, 2011, so I decided I wanted a charm with the May birthstone. I found one I loved, so I got it. May's stone is Emerald - which is also perfect, because I love anything Irish. I'm in love with this charm, and can't stop playing with it. I'm so happy that I decided to get something to remember our "Johnny Appleseed".

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I Dreamed A Dream

I can't help it, but I keep thinking back on the dream I had on August 23 - the day I had my first positive pregnancy test. I had temped that morning, like I had been. After the thermometer beeped and I looked at it, I remember smiling because of the spike (For those who may not know, after ovulation, a spike can mean you're pregnant), and then fell right back to sleep. That was 4:30 am, my usual temping time. The dream I had after that was of me having an ultrasound, and seeing an 8 week baby on the screen. I was pregnant in my dream, and it was an amazing feeling.

Of course, on August 23, I wouldn't have been 8 weeks along, but it's like I almost knew that I was pregnant before I tested. I woke up later, at 7:30 and knew I had the dream, but didn't really think much of it. I had been in Cape Cod, MA since the 19th, and I was going back home that morning. It was at about 4:00 that evening that I took the home test, and got a positive result.

I don't know if I'll ever forget that dream, but the baby looked so perfect on the screen. I know it was only a dream, but maybe it was a vision of the future; a vision of our future pregnancy. I can't wait for that day. Hopefully, it won't be too far from now.

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's Been 1 Week

I'm starting to get better. It's still hard though. It has been one week since I miscarried. I would have been 6 weeks 1 day today. My baby would have had a heartbeat, and would be growing. But it's not. The days have been getting easier, although I feel guilty about that, and I don't know why. I know it's supposed to get easier.

I'm leaving for Long Island tonight after work, but I'm only staying until Sunday morning. I have to get my bridesmaid dress fitted for my best friend's wedding at the end of October. I'm so excited about it :) I guess I could have a drink now at the wedding :/ I'd rather still be pregnant.

I started taking my basal body temperature again this morning. Matt said I should wait a month and just take it easy, and not temp. But I feel it will make the coming months go faster. It's something to look forward to each morning, to see what my temperature is. Plus, I've heard a lot of women don't ovulate their first cycle after a miscarriage. I'm interested in seeing if I'll be one of those women or not.

This will be a short post, so I leave you here. I'm off to the gym to hopefully clear my mind.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Crushing Introduction

I have had several heart-wrenching things happen to me in my life, mostly consisting of a cherished loved one passing away; my Grandmother, Grandfather, great Uncle - All of whom I was very close to, and helped raise me. However, there has recently been one event happen to me that I will never, ever forget. One that hits me right in my heart. One that has made me want to start blogging as an outlet and way to grieve and heal. I miscarried my first pregnancy.

Matt and I were married on a beautiful day on June 6, 2009. He is my best friend, my soul mate. We are originally from Long Island, but moved to northeast Pennsylvania in July 2005. I finished school, took and passed my boards (for Ultrasound), and then we got married. Everything has been perfect so far. We still need to buy our own home, but we are doing fine where we are now. Buying our first home will come eventually.

Matt and I decided to start trying for a baby on July 22, 2010. That is the day that I stopped my NuvaRing. I got my period the next day. I started charting my basal body temperature 2 weeks later. Then, on August 23, 2010, we got our very first positive home pregnancy test. It was an EPT digital HPT, and it read out "Pregnant". I couldn't believe my eyes. Did this really happen this quickly?? Could this be wrong?? OMG, I'M PREGNANT!! Exactly one month after we decided to start trying, and we were already pregnant. I was so excited and couldn't wait for all the pregnancy milestones. However, I'll admit it now - Something didn't feel right. It felt like it happened too soon, and it was too good to be true. Nonetheless, Matt and I were so excited to be taking on this new part of our lives together. Our due date was May 5, 2011 - 3 days before Mother's Day :).

I had blood work done the next day, on the 24th, and it confirmed that I was pregnant. My beta's were 69, and my progesterone was 53.7. According to the nurse I spoke to, the levels were good, and nothing else was said. I set up my 8 week appointment for September 27, and now it was a waiting game to get to that appointment. I couldn't wait.

I started getting morning sickness, or what I think was morning sickness. I had nausea, food aversions, and actually got sick a couple of times. I thought this was maybe happening early (it started when I was between 4 weeks and 5 weeks), but I was just happy it was happening because it was a cause of the baby inside of me.

All of our joy was short-lived. I started spotting on the night of 9/2, but I didn't have any cramping. So I figured it was normal - I know 1st trimester spotting is normal until it's accompanied by cramping. However, the next morning on September 3 at 4:30, the cramping started. It was very slight at first, so I figured I was still ok. I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I knew it was bad. My pink spotting had turned to red bleeding - similar to that of a light period. I knew that with my cramps and bleeding, I was most likely miscarrying. However, I still didn't want to believe it. So I climbed back into bed (I decided to forgo the gym that morning) and started crying myself to sleep. Matt woke up and wanted to know what was wrong. He knew I was spotting the night before, and I told him I was cramping now, and the bleeding was getting worse. He told me to try and stay calm, and maybe it's normal. He cuddled me, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up to get ready for work at 6:45, and my face was still wet. I guess I was crying in my sleep, and I was crying when I woke up. I told my boss what was happening, and she told me to stay home for now and call my doctor to get checked. I did, and got in for an ultrasound and appointment with the Midwife at 11:45. My boss told me to take the rest of the day off, so I laid in bed until I had to leave for my appointment.

Where I work, and therefore where my doctor is, is an hour and fifteen minutes away. I was so numb by this point because the cramping was getting worse, that I honestly can't say I remember the drive. I got to the office, and went in for the ultrasound. Being an ultrasound tech, I sometimes feel I know too much. I've always said whenever we got pregnant, I would know immediately if something was wrong by looking at the ultrasound. Well, I was right. I didn't see anything on the ultrasound - no embryo, no yolk sac, no gestational sac. I knew it was over. I lay there still while the sonographer finished my ultrasound, weeping. I do have to say she was great. She told me everything that was happening, and pretty much what she saw (or didn't see). I didn't tell her that I too was a sonographer, so I just played along with what she was telling me. But I already knew. That was the hardest part.

After my ultrasound, I waited to talk to the MW. It was the first time I met her, but she was so kind and compassionate. The first thing she said to me was "I'm so sorry we have to meet for the first time like this." She then went on to tell me what I already knew. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't stop crying. She wanted me to get blood work done that day, and then again the following Monday (3 days later) to check my beta's. She also said that my beta's were low to begin with, which was a surprise to me. I told her that the nurse originally told me the levels were good. She said she was sorry, but they seemed low for where I was at that time in the pregnancy, and she would have expected to see them higher. I was told that given those initial levels and the ultrasound, that I probably had a blighted ovum. Basically, it's a pregnancy where everything but the baby develops. The gestational sac still implants into your uterus, and the placenta forms. You still feel pregnant (hence the morning sickness I was having), but in the end, it's not a viable pregnancy.

The MW assured me that we could start trying again soon, but she advised us to wait for at least 2 cycles. She also said that I will NOT be considered high risk because of this, and many women go on to have normal pregnancies after having a miscarriage. What was most reassuring though, was that when we do get pregnant again, my beta's will be monitored early on to make sure they double like they're supposed to.

So I drove home, crying, and yet again, I don't remember that drive either. I got home, got into my PJ's, and laid in bed for the rest of the day - crying. I couldn't wait for my husband, my best friend, and the father of our lost baby to get home so we could hold each other.

So here I am, 4 days after losing our first pregnancy. I'm getting better. Day by day is what I say, and only time will heal. I still can't believe we're not pregnant anymore. The first day back to work (yesterday) was really hard. My boss told everyone at work for me on Friday so I wouldn't have to repeat myself (no one else at work knew I was pregnant). I was thankful for that.

I will end my first, disheartening post here. I will try to keep it up to date as often as possible. I think that this will be a good healing tool for me. But we will have to wait and see. Like I said, only time will heal. I am, however, looking brightly at the future, and I can't wait until Matt and I have our family.