113 pounds of B!TCH

Ugh. Today was such a crappy day. I am in the worst mood every. And I guess I really don't know why. I am about 6 days past ovulation, so it's not O moodiness...And I shouldn't be getting AF (aunt flow) for another week and a half...That is unless we're pregnant this cycle. Which, by the way, I have some guilt about (I'll discuss later). I think my crankiness started this morning when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear to work. Then the day was long, and heat was broken at work and it was like a sauna, and work was a little frustrating today. Some of the day, I just wanted to punch a wall; the rest of the day I wanted to cry. And when I got home, I wanted to punch Matt. Maybe because I'm cranky. Maybe because he wasn't home when I got home from work for me to vent to. Or maybe because he got nasty and yelled at me when I called him because the dogs were making noise coming out of their crate while he was trying to ask me a question. I yelled back by the way. Oh yea - the question he wanted to ask me? "Can you start my work clothes in the washer for me?" Yes, sure honey. Ugh. To top it off, I had to scan a patient today (boobie related - not OB related) who was 20 or so weeks pregnant. Great. Usually it doesn't bother me. But today it did for some reason. I miss being pregnant. I should have the start of a belly by now. I would be 14 weeks and 5 days right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I've been good lately. I just want to be pregnant again, and have our baby. I kind of want to cry now thinking about it.

So about feeling guilty. My mid-wife said for Matt and I to wait 2-3 cycles before we started trying again. Honestly, I don't know why so long. I know every doctor is different and every situation is different. But I was so early, and there was no sign of even a baby. My levels went to 0 in one week after my miscarriage because they weren't high to begin with. Maybe it was because we got pregnant right away the cycle following me coming off birth control? I don't know. Maybe it was for my emotional well-being; I was really devastated, and couldn't stop crying during that visit.

So I'm in the middle of my second cycle right now - O'd 6 days ago - so that means if I went by my MW, then Matt and I could start trying again after I get this cycles' AF. Right? Well, I think we went against that advice. Honestly, we ran out of condoms. Or at least we thought we did. It was an honest "mistake". I found 2 under the bed while collecting laundry. So we had sex without a condom. This was last week. Two days before ovulation. Oops. Thing is, my temps were so screwy in the beginning of the cycle, I figured to hell with it, I'm not O'ing this cycle. I guess I was wrong, because I started peeing on OPK's (ovulation prediction kits), and I got 3 positives in a row starting the day after we had sex. And then I had a 3cm cyst on my right ovary that ruptured sometime Wednesday night (day I O'd). So I'm pretty sure I O'd on that day. Although, FF (fertility friend) still hasn't given me CH's (cross hairs) yet for an O day, so I overrode it, and set my O date the CD26. So now, we have to wait for next week to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant. Maybe that's why the moodiness? But it would be too early for moodiness, as I am only 6 days after ovulation. The little speck would just be nestling into my uterus.

The reason I feel guilty is that my MW said to wait 2-3 cycles (meaning 2-3 periods), and I've only had 1 period so far. Maybe I can make myself feel better by thinking, maybe she meant 2-3 months? In that case, I'd be golden. But in reality, I know she meant periods. But whatever makes me sleep at night, right? I would feel so bad and guilty if I did get pregnant, and I miscarried again because we didn't wait like we should have. But then again, plenty of people have had doctors tell them it's OK to try again after 1 period. Some doctors even say couples can try right after a miscarriage (assuming they will ovulate immediately following a miscarriage). I would also be so frustrated with myself, Matt and in general if we did have a miscarriage because we didn't wait long enough, and we had to wait even longer to try. I wonder if it was even worth it to not use a condom. I do hope I'm pregnant, but at the same time, I hope if I am that it's not being jeopardized because we were being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that things happen, and you can't change the past. You can only prepare for the future. Hopefully it's a future (very near future) with a healthy pregnancy, and not a future with another miscarriage caused by our lack of responsibility. :::fingers crossed:::

Getting There

So to continue the story about my mom, and the stress she gives me :) So I told my brother to call an ambulance because something was obviously wrong with mom. So he called one, and off to the hospital they took her. They ran a bunch of tests on her from a chest X-Ray (what's a hospital visit without one of those!), to testing several vials of blood, to a head CT. Now, they called a Code Orange on my mom (which I'm assuming is a neuro/stroke code), and actually removed a patient mid-scan from the CT to scan my mom. When my step-dad told me that, I knew it probably wasn't good. My first impression from talking to my mom prior was either a stroke or mini-stroke. Based on the hospitals actions, I was assuming they were thinking the same thing.

So it also took 3 techs and 7 pokes to my moms arms to get any blood for testing. They were checking everything from liver/kidney function to drug testing. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending how you look at it) everything in the blood work was negative. And her head CT was also negative. WHAT?! Um, then why is mom like this?? So because they still didn't know what was going on, and even though she was starting to come to with NO memory of that entire afternoon what-so-ever, they admitted her. It was Sunday night around 11:30pm by the time they put her in a room. Oh yea, and she was on the Stroke Unit. Great.

So the next morning, I get up and do my usual thing - take my temperature, eat a little something, go to the gym, shower, and then head to work. I called a good friend/co-worker while I was on my way to work, to give her a heads up about the happenings of the night before, so she could forewarn our other co-worker/supervisor. So I show up at work, and my other co-worker looks at me, and says, "Why are you here?" I told her because my step-dad and Matt said to not go down, because they still don't know what's going on with mom, and I had just got back from Long Island "hours" before. She then asked me if I wanted to go back, and to that I started crying, saying that I'm scared, and yes I do want to be with my mom. With that, she then told me to "get out of here", and not to worry, the building will still be around when I get back. She told me to take off as much as I needed, and if it was the whole week (I was going BACK to LI on Thursday for my BF's wedding) that would be fine - it wouldn't be worth it to drive back on, say Wednesday, work a day, and then drive all the way back. So I did an about-face, punched out, and headed home (an hour and 15 minutes away) to pack for a week.

Ok, so longer story short, I drove to Long Island, and got there by around 4ish pm. I stayed with mom until about 8:30pm that night. She looked good, and was surprised to see me. Of course, she asked me "who told you I was here?", and I looked at her, a little nervous, and said, "Mom, when I talked to you at 7:00 this morning, I told you that I was the one who told Rob to call an ambulance." To that she said, "Oh yea, that's right. I remember now." :/ I then went on to jokingly ask her what her birthday was (Which I think is going to be a long-standing inside joke now). That day, they did an MRA, MRI, and echocardiogram. All of which were NEGATIVE. Huh?? What??? Negative? Well, then mom, you're not going anywhere until they find out what happened, and why you still can't remember anything from Sunday.

Lo and behold, they did have a reason. They called it Prednisone Psychosis. And after looking it up (I thought the doctor was pulling this out of her ass), it made sense - she had all the symptoms, which oddly enough, mimic a stroke. Mom has been on and off Prednisone for years for bad lungs and chronic pneumonia. She was just finishing up a tapered dose for pneumonia when this happened.

So, she didn't have a stroke or mini-stroke, and all of this was caused by a drug. One drug. Amazing. I'm just happy that mom is ok, and there was nothing seriously wrong with her. She was discharged on Tuesday with no restrictions, except to stay away from Prednisone. Thank God. So I stayed down for the rest of the week to help out with the kids, and when mom was feeling better and I knew she was ok, I transitioned over to wedding stuff. Which, by the way, the wedding was so beautiful, and so much fun. And I have a new favorite picture of Matt and I (above).

In other news, October is over - YAY!

And I started using OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kits - pretty much a stick you pee on that tells you when you're about to ovulate), and got my first + OPK on CD 19, October 27. I also got a positive last night, and this morning right after I temped. Initially, after the first +OPK, I thought I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle because my temps were so weird, and didn't show any temp spike to go along with ovulation. But now, I have a temp spike, and 2 +OPK's. So I guess I'm going to O; just a little later than expected.

It's Been A While

I realized I haven't written here in a long time. I'm sorry guys. Matt and I are so much closer to trying again. I'm halfway through this cycle (although, I still don't know if I'm going to ovulate or not), so after this next period, Matt and I will be golden to start trying again. I'm so excited, yet nervous at the same time. I know I've only miscarried once, and there are several ladies that I've talked to on TheBump who have had several miscarriages/pregnancy losses, but I just want my take-home baby. I hope we're able to conceive on our first try.

In other news, so much has happened in the last few weeks. I just can't wait for this month to be over! It's been fun though!

I have my bf's wedding coming up tomorrow. It will be a Halloween/Fall themed wedding, and I'm in it. I LOVE our bridesmaids dresses. They're black and floor-length, so they are definitely a dress we can wear again. We finished all the programs and favors, and now we're just doing some last minute things to get ready.

My uncles wedding was last weekend. It was a lot of fun, but there was drama as well. Which is to be expected at an Italian wedding :) So last weekend, the wedding was on Saturday, and Matt and I went down to Long Island on Friday night (Oh yea, almost EVERYTHING I've done this month involved me driving down to LI). We left for home on Sunday around 11:30am. We were about 10 minutes from home when I get a call from my brother that there is something wrong with mom. He was asking me if she was ok when I left the house that morning, and she was. So I called my moms, and my other brother answered the phone, and I was asking him what was going on. He said mom was acting weird, saying weird things, and seeing things. So I had him put me on the phone with her. After talking to her for less than a minute, I had her put my brother back on the phone, and I told him that they needed to call an ambulance. My other brother (who called me in the first place - he's 20) was 5 minutes from home, so they waited on calling the ambulance until he came home and could assess what was happening. I hung up the phone, and waiting until he called me back from home.

So my brother called me back, and I spoke to him, and he said there was definitely something wrong with mom. I spoke to my mom one more time, in which I asked her what her birthday was - the golden question for assessing mental status. When she couldn't tell me, and also couldn't tell me what day it was, I told her to put my brother on the phone. I said, "Rob, you need to call an ambulance right NOW. She can't tell me her birthday." After he hung up with me, they called the ambulance and took her to the hospital. I knew it wasn't good based on me talking to mom.

I will have to leave you at this for now, because I have to go do wedding festivities. But I will tell you that she is ok now, and out of the hospital after a 2 day stay. I will continue later.