Just Some Belly Pics

These are from Wednesday, 39 weeks 4 days. I took them for Hump Day Bump Day on The Bump, and they show more of my torso, so you can see how big I am.

40 Weeks!! Due Today!

•How far along?: 40 weeks! Due Date Day!

•Current Weight: 148.

•Total weight gain: +25 from pre-pregnancy weight.

•How big is baby?: Watermelon! Yummy!.

•Movement: He moves so much that I don't even bother doing "fetal kick counts". His movements are getting more uncomfortable because he has no room left. They just jab into my side and ribs.

•Stretch marks?: Still none on my belly - thankfully. But they're still there on both hips, which is weird.

•Sleep?: I've been taking Unisom every night for the last week. It's really helping, and I want to make sure I get a good nights sleep so I'm ready for labor.

•Symptoms?: Some minimal BH's, an increase in vaginal discharge, hip/pelvic pain and achiness, sharp lower twinges, and sore breasts and nipples.

•Food aversions?: Seafood.

•Food cravings?: Cheese, pizza, pasta..Nothing different.

•Labor signs?: Some contractions, but they're minimal. Feeling overall junky. As of Tuesday, I was 2+cm dilated and still 70% effaced. I had my membranes stripped then too, but that obviously didn't help. I had bloody show after my stripping until Wednesday, but that's done now.

•Belly button in or out?: Sticking out a little

•What I miss: Moving around easily, bending over, and having normal sex. I'm really looking forward to having a normal sex life again.

•What I'm looking forward to: Getting this labor going. C'mon Cael, let's get going!!

•Best Moment this week: Having Cael move so much. I know I complain about it because it's uncomfortable, but I still love feeling him poke me. And I never have to worry about lack of fetal movement.

•Milestone: Due date today. Now it's time to get this show on the road!

Dear Johnny Appleseed

Dear "Johnny Appleseed",

No honey, I have not forgotten about you. I can't forget about you - you were my first baby. My first pregnancy, and my first loss. It's just too ironic that the day we lost you is the same day - exactly one year later - that I am due with your baby brother, Cael. I know Cael probably won't be here tomorrow, September 3rd, but it's still a date of significance. It's the date that I lost you, but it's also the date that I'm due with Cael.

In the short amount of time that I carried you inside me - 5 weeks 1 day - I felt such joy, happiness, excitement and love. Some may say that I was barely pregnant, but what they say is nonsense. We didn't see your fetal pole, or your heartbeat, but I know you were growing inside of me. And then I lost you. That was one of the hardest times Daddy and I have experienced. It's something that, unless you go through a miscarriage yourself, you have no idea what it's like. All of your hopes and dreams for the tiny baby growing inside of you are just gone. It's not fair, and it hurts so much.

I have to admit though, that the pain, although still felt in my heart, has subsided. But that doesn't mean I have forgotten about you. As I've said, I will never forget about you. Where I once felt guilty for not crying anymore over your loss, I can admit that I don't have guilt anymore. The pain is still there, but I have been healing a little bit each day. And I know I will continue to heal. But I will never forget you.

Daddy and I aren't religious at all, but I know that you are in a better place. And I know you will be looking over your baby brother, Cael, when he arrives in this world.

I Love And Miss You,

Mommy

Dear Cael

Dear Cael,

This is your Mommy writing to you. I can't wait until you come, and I can't wait to hold you in my arms. I can't wait to see who you look like, and if you have hair; Can't wait to see how long you are and how much you weigh. I can't wait to meet the special little guy who has been kicking me, and moving non-stop inside of me, throwing knees and feet into my ribs.

The last 9 months have certainly been a roller coaster ride. They've been filled with joy, terror, hope, excitement, happiness and frustration. It's bittersweet, being at the end of my pregnancy with you. I am extremely uncomfortable and can't wait until you come out. I honestly feel just so done, and that I can't go another day of being pregnant. But at the same time, I will miss feeling you inside of me and outside of me - something that only I can experience with you. I will miss feeling your hiccups ALL.THE.TIME. I will miss trying to guess what body part is poking me. But with the end of my pregnancy comes the new life that you will live. And I'm so excited for that.

You certainly have been giving Mommy and Daddy a run for their money already. From the charting, temperature-taking and OPK's I peed on, to the moment you were conceived on December 11, 2010; To the agonizing and tortuous wait for a phone call that my Betas doubled; To the gut-wrenching wait in the waiting room for my very first ultrasound at 5 weeks 5 days, which we saw your heart beating for the first time; To the morning sickness that lasted until 24+ weeks; the visit to the pediatric Cardiologist (which thankfully went perfect); From the pre-term labor and my shortened cervix diagnosed at almost 31 weeks, to the 6 weeks of bed rest and being pulled out of work until after you were born; From the 13 hours of labor you put me through at 37 weeks to the roller coaster of emotions I felt when that labor suddenly stopped on its own. It has all been worth it for YOU.

Now Mommy and Daddy are patiently waiting for you to arrive. You are due tomorrow, and although I don't think you'll be making your appearance by then, I know you can't stay inside forever - no matter how comfy and cozy you've become. I know I will meet you one day very soon, and I can't wait for that day to come. Until then, Daddy and I sit and wait until you're ready. Just know that I love you so much already. My life has already changed for the better because of you, and I love you for that.

Please come soon, baby Cael.

With All My Love,

Mommy

The Waiting Game Begins

Well, I guess it has begun a few weeks ago, but the real waiting game has now started. I had an appointment yesterday morning (39w3d), and my midwife stripped/swept my membranes. To be honest, I was really excited about this happening, although I had no idea what to expect. It really wasn't that bad. It just felt like a really uncomfortable cervical exam. I had some cramping while she was doing it though, and it felt weird because Cael's head was RIGHT THERE! I was 2+cm dilated, and still at 70% effaced. I also gained 2 pounds since my Friday appointment (2 pounds in 4 days - ugh!), so I'm currently at 148. I will NOT get to 150. It just won't happen.

Hopefully having my membranes stripped will do the trick, and I'll go into labor real soon. I'm actually not too hopeful though, because it's already been over 24 hours. She said to go home, and have sex - which we didn't do, so I'm afraid that the stripping will ineffective.

I did do a lot yesterday after the appointment. We went to JCPenny's, and finally bought curtains for our living room. We really need them, because the sun just shines in the picture window so brightly, and we're afraid of it ruining our leather couch, which is right in front of the window. We spent about $120 on curtains (and that's not including the curtain rod), but it will be worth it. They're light-blocking and noise-reducing, so they will also keep the apartment cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter. We bought 4 panels, two of which they had in stock, and the other two that will be shipped within the week. Once we get the two panels in the mail, we'll buy the curtain rod and hang them up.

We also went to Lowe's to get some more painting supplies to finish painting the living room. Matt came home early today, so we finished painting the living room (despite me having flu-like symptoms since yesterday). I am so in love with the color, and I'll post pictures once we have all the furniture where we want it. So basically, we did a lot of running around after my appointment yesterday, and I did have some really uncomfortable/semi-painful contractions, so I'm really hoping I have Cael before his due date on Saturday - 3 days away.

If I don't have him by Saturday, we have a NST scheduled for 5pm on Saturday evening, and I have another appointment scheduled for Tuesday with my midwife and to have another NST done. If I don't have him by Tuesday, they'll strip my membranes again, and I'll have another appointment - probably Friday - the same week as well. My midwife yesterday explained that once I'm 40 weeks and over, they see you twice a week, and you have NST's with each appointment.

If I go to 41 weeks, they'll do another ultrasound (probably to check fluid, estimated weight and fetal well-being), and then talk about inducing. They really don't want you to go past 41 weeks. I REALLY want to avoid being induced unless it's medically necessary, so I hope he comes soon. I don't want to experience Pitocin, and if I have to, I'm afraid I won't have the natural labor and delivery I want. Pitocin contractions are much stronger, and I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with them like I would natural contractions. But Cael will be here before 41 weeks, so I can just stop talking about induction right now.

I just can't believe that my pregnancy has come to an end (almost). It's been such a long road, and felt like it's taken forever to get here. But I know once he comes, it's going to just fly by. Before you know it, he'll be 6 weeks old, and I'll have to go back to work, and Cael will go to daycare :(. It makes me sad to even think about that idea. Especially since as of tomorrow, it will be 9 weeks that I've been out of work. I wish I could be a stay at home mom, but we really need my paycheck AND health insurance. At least the daycare is at my hospital, so he'll come with me to work in the morning, and he'll be with me right after my shift ends.

Oh well, one step at a time. Let's deal with the labor and delivery first, and then think about the rest. I just can't wait to hold him in my arms, and see what he looks like, and see if he has any hair. I hope he has a full head of hair, and isn't a baldy-bean like I was. Soon though. I can't be pregnant forever, and the end is in sight.

:::Please come real soon, Cael. Mommy and Daddy want to meet you:::

T-Minus 1 Week!

Seven days until my due date!! One week! Hopefully Cael will get the hint that we all want him out now, and he will come by my due date. However, I'm not going to hold my breath. I do really want him to come this week thought - it would be nice. Hurricane Irene is supposed to hit our area tonight into tomorrow morning, so I'm hoping that the changes in pressure will trigger my water to break or labor to start. Plus, now would be the perfect time for him to come, because Matt has nicknamed Cael "Hurricane" since he first felt him move/kick. So it would be perfect if Cael was born during a hurricane. Plus, it would make a great birth story :).

Last night I ordered the most adorable hand-made knit hat that we'll used for Cael's newborn pictures. Of course I had several to choose from, but ultimately Matt made the decision because he's the most pickiest. But I love the hat we ordered. It's off of Etsy.com, which has a lot of hand-made things (basically anything you can think of). Here is the hat we ordered - this is the seller's photo - (we ordered it in a beautiful green color):

I can't wait to get it - I'll post pictures of it then. It says that it takes the creator 5-10 days to make it, and it will be shipped out right after it's made. So hopefully we'll have it in time to do Cael's newborn pictures. I'm sure we will - we'll probably have his pictures done when he is 10-14 days old, so it should be here just in time. It came to about $20, so I hope it's worth it!

39 Weeks! And Still Pregnant!

•How far along?: 39 weeks!

•Current Weight: 146

•Total weight gain: +23 from pre-pregnancy weight.

•How big is baby?: Watermelon! Yummy!.

•Movement: He moves so much that I don't even bother doing "fetal kick counts". The last 2 days, he's been poking his feet out of my left side.

•Stretch marks?: Still none on my belly - thankfully. But they're still there on both hips, which is weird.

•Sleep?: What's sleep again?! I toss and turn all night because of my hip pain.

•Symptoms?: Lots of BH's, some painful contractions, an increase in vaginal discharge, hip/pelvic pain and achiness, sharp lower twinges, and sore breasts and nipples.

•Food aversions?: None.

•Food cravings?: Hamburgers, cheese, pizza, pasta..Nothing different.

•Labor signs?: Cael's head is still really low; As of yesterday, I was 2cm dilated and 70% effaced. Some BH's, and lower pelvic twinges, but nothing concrete yet. Hurricane Irene is hitting tonight, so maybe that will trigger me to go into labor.

•Belly button in or out?: Sticking out a little.

•What I miss: Moving around easily. Sex!

•What I'm looking forward to: Getting this labor going. C'mon Cael, let's get going!!

•Best Moment this week: I love feeling Cael hiccup. I've felt it several times by now because he gets them at least once a day, but it's something I will definitely miss.

•Milestone: Making it to 39 weeks! But he's more than welcome to come out and play now.

We're Into Single Digits!!

Hopefully, that is! Today is 8 days until my due date. However, I'm fully aware that I may go past my due date, which I really don't want to happen. But we will see - there's a hurricane coming this weekend, so maybe that will trigger me to go into labor. A lady can wish, can't she!?

So today I had a weekly appointment. It went ok - nothing too exciting. I'm at a solid 2cm dilated, and still at 70% effaced, and his head is still really low. I was hoping that I would be a little more progressed, but at the same time, I know that doesn't really mean anything. I was also surprised to hear that my blood pressure was 142/90, and I had protein in my urine. I wasn't too excited about it though, because I don't have any other symptoms of Pre-E - headaches, swelling, abdominal pain or seeing floaters. Plus, when my midwife took my blood pressure at the end of the appointment, it had gone down to normal. :::Phew::: that was a close one, I thought.

I also asked my midwife if she would or could strip my membranes. She said "I could. But I have to tell you that Dr. so-and-so is on call this weekend, not I or the other midwife". Damn, I thought. I was so disappointed. You know my luck would be my membranes would be stripped, and I would go into labor when there was a doctor on call. Of course, if it came down to it, whatever happens would have to happen.

But I didn't sign up for a doctor - I want to be delivered by a midwife - even though the doctor on call is apparently a "really good doctor with a good bedside manner." But I have no idea what he even looks like, and he has never met me, so if I had the choice, I would wait. So she told me she could strip my membranes early next week, so I have my next appointment on Tuesday. She also told me to keep having sex, take Evening Primrose Oil, and drink Red Raspberry Leave Tea (pregnancy tea) to help continue to ripen my cervix. According to her, my cervix is making good progress, and is very "favorable in the event we do an induction."

What!?

I don't want an induction, or to be induced, and I told her that. What initially threw me off, was when she said, "Well, we can strip you next week, and then talk about induction, or we can strip you again and see what happens." I got kind of freaked out when she said *induction* because that is one slippery slope I would like to avoid if at all possible. I told her that I really didn't want to be induced if I didn't need to, and that I know most inductions end in C-Sections. Of course she agreed with me, and didn't deny that fact. So our plan is to strip me Tuesday, and see what happens after that. I did also forget that I will be 39+ weeks at that appointment, so maybe that's why she mentioned induction.

On another note, I went ahead and ordered my Belly Bandit. And I'm so excited! I finally made the decision to go ahead and get it, as opposed to a cheaper option. So I really hope it works. All of the reviews about it and on the website rave about it, so we shall see. I'm hoping it will be here before Cael comes, so that I can bring it to the hospital with me when I go into labor. It should be here by early next week, because it has already shipped. I ordered it in the nude color, because I figured it wouldn't be seen as easily under clothing. It's the original BB because I didn't want to spend too much money (the other ones get up to near $80), but it's supposed to work just as well. :::Fingers Crossed:::

:::You are welcomed at any point now Cael. I know we wanted to keep you in before, but now you can come out and play:::

Stick A Fork In Me

...I'm done. Like, really done. I love Cael so much, and love feeling him inside me, but I feel as though I can't take much more of being pregnant. I'm sore, can't move, can't bend, my hips and pelvis ache, I'm tired of the heartburn and sleepless nights, I have stretchmarks now showing up at 38 weeks, and now Matt and I (probably) aren't going to have sex until I'm well enough postpartum.

I was all excited for sexy time last night with Matt, especially since we haven't had sex since I went into labor on the 14th. But I got "shot down". Basically, Matt explained that it has become uncomfortable, and doesn't feel the same anymore. That things aren't "where they used to be". Add to this that I'm 24 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy and it's difficult for me to move rhythmically, so sex has become an exhausting task for Matt. PLUS his knees bother him and "doggie-style" doesn't feel the same for him now, so that's out the window now because it's not worth it.

So needless to say, the sexy vibe I started last night quickly fizzled away, and I ended up in tears. Matt was trying to be gentle about it, and didn't want to upset me. But honestly, telling a 9 month pregnant, hormonal woman that "sex just isn't the same anymore because you're body has changed so much" is bound to make any woman upset cry. So I got up, put on my underwear and shirt, and climbed into bed. I was semi-laying on Matt, and he decided to roll over away from me. I thought "great, he's mad at me now", so I rolled over and cried some more. My mind starting wondering about how my body has changed, and I can't move anymore or do what I used to, and I cried harder. I'm also afraid that my nether-regions won't be the same after Cael's birth, and sex won't be or feel the same for Matt or I, and that made me more upset.

Since I was so upset, I asked Matt if he would cuddle me until I fell asleep. He said, "Do you want me to?". He thought I was mad at him, and I thought he was mad at me, so I'm glad I asked him to hold me. He was asleep before me, and I laid in bed waiting for the Unisom to work and put me to sleep.

Now I'm waiting for Matt to come home from work to see if it will awkward between us. I just spoke to him on the phone a little while ago (there was an earthquake that hit the east coast), and he sounded fine. But who knows if it will be different between us in person when he comes home. Sure, we still do things sexually for each other, but it's just not the same. That's more for "fun" to put it nicely. But I want that intimate, close time with my husband that only sex can really provide.

That's one thing that has been on my mind lately. Another is work, and returning to work. I love where I work, and the people I work closely with, and what I do. I know I was meant to do ultrasound, and I really find joy in doing it. But honestly, I really don't miss being at work. I've been out of work for 8 weeks now - the longest time I've ever not worked since I was in ultrasound school - and I honestly don't miss it or crave to go back. And it's bothering me that I don't know why.

I actually told Matt last night that I wish we could afford for me to stay home from work, and not go back. His response? "Hey, that works for me! The laundry and dishes are done, so that's fine with me! Believe me, if I got a big enough raise, you're more than welcome to stay home." We laughed about it, but I never pegged myself for someone who would want to stay home. I worked so hard to get to where I am, and honestly love my profession. I feel like it would all be wasted if I gave up work.

Plus, I can't stop working because I carry the health insurance, and it's really good insurance. And with a new baby, we don't want to lose that. If I stay home though, we wouldn't have to pay the $630/month for daycare. Then Matt brought up the idea of me I working part-time, like on the weekends and Thursdays (his day off). This way we wouldn't need daycare.

I'm technically already considered part-time and not full-time, so I would just need to work 64 hours bi-weekly - which is 32 hours a week, and my benefits wouldn't change. But that works out to four 8-hour days, and the breast center doesn't have weekend hours for ultrasound. So that leaves me nowhere near where I would want to be. Especially since my hours would be cut, and we'd still have to pay for daycare for 4 days. I guess I'll just have to figure it out...if there is anything that even needs to be figured out. Plenty of moms work full-time and have time for their baby's, right?

Another thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how many children we will have in our family. And I know, this is by no means something that has to be decided now. I didn't even have Cael for crying out loud.

From the start, Matt and I didn't want any kids at all. We both come from larger families - he's the oldest of 5, and I'm the oldest of 4 - and both felt that we had had enough of kids. But that obviously changed, and I'm happy it did. After going from wanting no kids, to "let's get pregnant", I figured I'd only want 1 child. Now that I'm pregnant and about to have Cael, I thought I would want to have 2 kids, so that Cael could have a sibling and not grow up alone. But Matt is still in the "we're only having 1 child" mindset.

However, after how hard this pregnancy has been on me (morning sickness until 24+ weeks, bed rest at 31 weeks for pre-term labor, 13 hours of active labor, the pains and discomfort), I'm not so sure I can do another pregnancy. Do know that I am fully aware that my pregnancy could have gone a lot worse, and I am so thankful that Cael is healthy, and I haven't had any serious complications, like gestational diabetes, or Pre-E. But I feel it's still hard on me and on my body. Maybe it's because I'm petite and have a smaller frame? But there's plenty of women who are as petite, if not smaller than me who go through pregnancy, and don't seem to complain.

Maybe I'm feeling all these emotions because of the hormones and I'm 38 weeks pregnant. Every pregnant woman reaches their breaking point at the end of their pregnancy, right? That's what I'm thinking at least. I just can't wait to have Cael in my arms, and for me to go back to how I was feeling before I started getting very pregnant.

:::Please come soon, my sweet Baby Cael. I can't wait to hold you, and Mommy is getting real uncomfortable:::

38 Weeks!!

•How far along?: 38 weeks, and still cooking!

•Current Weight: 147

•Total weight gain: +24 from pre-pregnancy weight.

•How big is baby?: Watermelon! Estimated 7 pounds 5 ounces yesterday.

•Movement: All.The.Time. He loves pushing his feet and butt out.

•Stretch marks?: No change from last week. Some small ones on both hips, but none on the belly - except for my belly button.

•Sleep?: Still horrible. My midwife said I could start taking Unisom to get some sleep. She says I should get as much sleep as I can now, so that when I go back into labor, I'm well rested.

•Symptoms?: Same ol' - Heartburn has returned with a vengeance! Lots of BH's, some painful contractions, an increase in vaginal discharge, hip/pelvic pain and achiness, sharp lower twinges, and sore breasts and nipples.

•Food aversions?: Not currently.

•Food cravings?: Hamburgers, cheese, pizza, pasta..Nothing different.

•Labor signs?: Cael's head is still really low; I'm now 1-2cm dilated and 70% effaced. Still getting some BH's and cramping. Also, I don't know if it's a labor sign or not, but I've been very gassy, and have had a couple bouts of diarrhea.

•Belly button in or out?: It pokes out a wee bit.

•What I miss: Bending over, moving easily, deep breaths in, and seeing the skin below my belly button line.

•What I'm looking forward to: Going into labor, actually. I feel like I'm reaching the end of my pregnancy rope. I just feel so done.

•Best Moment this week: Seeing Cael yesterday on ultrasound. A coworker scanned me after my appointment. I feel so fortunate to work in the field I do, because I was able to see him again. And considering how low in my pelvis Cael's head is, she got some pretty decent ultrasound pictures of his face.

•Milestone: Being 38 weeks. I would love for him to come now, but I know the closer to my due date I get, the better it is for Cael.

So Alone

So for the first time in a long time, I actually feel alone.

Right now, Matt is at our best friends' wedding, and I'm upset I can't be there. I'm also upset, because I won't get to talk to Matt tonight before I go to bed. He promised he'd call me in the morning when he wakes up, but I doubt he will, because he always forgets. And I end up calling him. And that upsets me more. I always think of him when I'm on Long Island, and he's back home, and if I forget once to call him, he gets upset about it. How does that work?

So here I am, 9:37 pm on Friday night, and I'm laying on the couch, by myself. And I really can't complain too much, because it's not like I was alone all day. My friend S came with me to my doctor appointment, and I spent most of the day with her. And then tonight, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece came and visited me because they knew I'd be alone. But they left about 15 minutes ago. Then I started crying because I was alone again.

And in all honestly, I'm not that alone. My in-laws are right upstairs, Cael is moving like crazy in my belly, and I have Killian and Tyson with me. But I just can't shake this feeling of loneliness and sadness. Whenever Matt goes to Long Island, or I go to Long Island, and we're separate for a few days, I usually welcome that. It's good to have some time apart. But with me 38 weeks pregnant tomorrow, uncomfortable, hormonal and emotional, it's not a good thing right now. I just want Matt home with me. And that's all.

Speaking of Killian and Tyson, I wanted to *kill* Tyson this morning. I have no idea what is up with him lately, but he's slowly destroying our apartment. I woke up at 8:45 this morning to him chewing on the brand new door trim around the door to Cael's nursery, on the kitchen side. It's all chewed up now, and no longer looks nice. What a great start to the day. I of course cried, wanted to beat him (don't worry, I didn't), and wanted to deprive him of his breakfast (once again, I didn't do that either). I just don't understand.

Then about 2 weekends ago, on a Sunday when Matt and I slept in, I heard noise coming from the kitchen area through the wall. I get up to find that Tyson tore the paper covering the drywall up off the wall, and ate a hole through the drywall. Fortunately, it wasn't any of the new drywall that was installed, but once I saw that, I started crying too. Add to that this past Saturday I woke up to a chewed-up paint roller and chewed up wooden paint stirrers. There were splinters and wood shards all over the floor. I was vacuuming at 7 in the morning.

Is it anxiety because of the changes we made? Does he know something is going on big soon, and doesn't know how to cope? Or is it simply because we/I are sleeping in, and aren't up at the normal 6:45am to feed him and let him out? It seems to only happen in the morning when either Matt and/or I aren't up at the "usual" time. And since the construction, we've done away with the crates, and haven't had them in the crates at night or when we're out during the day. Killian is fine - he hasn't done anything. It's the little one doing all the damage. And we're afraid to put just Tyson in the crate and leave Killian out, because when we did that a few times, Killian went through separation anxiety and threw everything off the counter and tossed the garbage all over the place.

So now I don't know what to do. Do I leave them both out when I go to bed, hope for the best, and then when I wake up in the morning for the bathroom, put them in the crate? Or put them in the crate before I go to sleep? Matt and I really wanted to leave them out of the crates, because they take up so much room. And it's not like they don't have any toys to chew, either. They've go plenty strewn all over the place. Maybe he's just trying to get to my bedroom, so he thinks he can chew his way through Cael's door to get to me? This is stressing me out a lot, especially since we just had everything finished.

As I mentioned before, I had a weekly appointment today. It went well - quite averagely actually. I gained 2 pounds, which I guess I'm ok with - I have no choice, right? Cael's heart rate was 135 bpm, and I'm assuming my belly measured good since nothing was said. I was also checked, and hoping for some more progress. I was still 1-2cm, and now about 70% effaced. I asked about the discrepancy between the noted progress the OB nurse and my midwife made, and she explained that it was all subjective. She also said that I should go by the other midwife, because she checked me at my appointment a few days prior, checked me when I got to L&D, and then checked me the morning I was discharged. So she's the only consistency, so I should go by her.

I'm glad I'm a little more effaced though, and she's happy at how my cervix is progressing. She said it's softening nicely, and needs to be fully effaced before I start really dilating. She said I could use Evening Primrose Oil to help my cervix soften more, but she doesn't think I will need it, and told me to hold off buying it for now. Especially since having sex seems to do it for me. From how she was talking, it sounds like she thinks I will go before my due date. But at the same time, you can't predict these things, and I understand that.

I then went over to the ultrasound department to 1) say hi to the ladies over there because I haven't seen them in forever; and 2) my friend S knows one of my coworkers in ultrasound. I wasn't expecting to be scanned at all (I know S was hoping to see Cael, especially since she's never seen an OB ultrasound) because it was around lunch time, but to my surprise, my coworker scanned me! She got some really good profile pictures, and surprisingly good 3D pictures considering how low Cael is in my pelvis. I really wasn't expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised. She also measured him for me, and he's an estimated 7 pounds 5 ounces, +/- 17 ounces. He was also measuring as being due September 2nd, which is spot on. I was really happy about that. I felt so lucky to see him again on ultrasound. The next time I see him will be in person (hopefully).

Alright, it's getting late, so I'm going to take a Unisom, and hopefully get some sleep tonight. I'm also hoping the leftover Pizza Uno I had for dinner won't keep me up with horrible heartburn tonight. Hey, I can hope, right? Here is our handsome little man. I love his little nose so much! Unfortunately, the cord was in front of his mouth, so his lips look distorted in the 3D image, but hey, I was happy and surprised we saw anything at all.

:::Daddy will be home soon, lil' man. We love you so much already:::

My Best Friend's Wedding

...That I won't be attending :( My best friend since 5th grade is getting married in 2 days, on Friday. And I, unfortunately, won't be able to make it. Matt left about an hour ago to make the drive to Long Island - he is the Best Man. It's also his best friend's wedding too - my BF is marrying his BF, oddly enough.

I couldn't help but cry when Matt left. I'm terrified that I will go into labor again while he is away. He'll be gone until Sunday, which is 4 whole days away from me. I know he's only 4 hours away (and he'd probably make it back a lot quicker if I called and told him I was in labor), but I'm so afraid that when I go into labor again, it will be quicker because of the 13 hours of active labor I've already endured.

So because Matt is away, he has ordered me back on bed rest..lol. I'm not to do anything while he is away, to reduce the risk of Cael coming while he's gone. I hope it works, because I would feel horrible if I went into labor, or if my water broke while he was at the wedding. My friend, though, is completely understanding, and says that Cael is the most important thing to Matt, and to not worry if he has to leave.

I appreciate that greatly, but I still don't want to have him rush home. I did that to him once already, when I was admitted to the hospital for my gallbladder. It was a Wednesday, I think, and he had just got to Long Island when I called him to tell him I was being hospitalized. He turned around and drove the 4 hours back to PA to be with me.

:::Please stay put, Cael. Daddy will be home on Sunday:::

We're In Labor!! NOT!

So I'm awake at 1:30 am on Tuesday morning, because, well, I can't sleep. I'm uncomfortable, have terrible heartburn, and threw up some of the pizza I ate hours ago, which is currently making my sinus's burn like hell.

So I decided to write about the friggen whirl-wind of emotions I've gone through in the last 48 hours. This whole ordeal starts at roughly 10 am on Sunday the 14th, and ends with me being discharged from L&D on Monday morning at 7:30am. So here goes.

So Sunday morning, Matt and I woke up about 9:30am or so. We did have sex because, well, we wanted to. Immediately following, I started having cramping, and BH's contractions. I mean, literally following (he wasn't even out of me yet). So roughly 10am is when I started timing them, because they started getting painful, and felt different from regular BH's. They were about 5-7 minutes apart, and were regular. Ok, that's fine.

I remember my midwife saying to change what you're doing, and if they go away, then it's not real. So I ate something, drank something, went to the bathroom, took a bath, walked around, laid down - and nothing changed. They were about 5 minutes apart at this point, and stayed 5 minutes apart until 12:30, when I decided to call the office. Let me tell you, it took a lot of convincing on Matt's part for me to call, but I was not convinced this was the real thing - even though the contractions hurt, nothing stopped them, and they were regular/timeable.

Lo and behold, they wanted me to come in - big shocker. We got to L&D around 2pm (Matt packed the car with our bags, I got changed, and Matt made it to the hospital in 50 minutes, where it usually takes 1.25 hours). By the time we were in the car on the way there, they were about 4 minutes apart, and still painful.

We got to L&D, they hooked me up to the monitor, where I was contracting regularly at 4-5 minutes apart. My midwife checked me, and I was still only about 1cm dilated (she didn't mention effacement). They decided to give me a shot of morphine to see if the labor was real - with morphine, real labor would continue, and false labor would stop because the morphine relaxes everything. Well, mine continued, and my midwife checked me again after about an hour and a half or so of being in L&D. I was now 1-2cm and about 60% effaced, and the contractions weren't stopping with the morphine, but instead got to about 3-4 minutes apart.

My midwife also told me that they wouldn't do anything to keep labor going or augment it because I was still early, even though I am term. That if it was going to happen, they would let it happen on it's own.

I was still convinced this was all just my body toying with me, and couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this was really happening. They decided this was real labor, and admitted me. I got an IV, my first round of ampecillin antibiotics, and was monitored for a baseline strip for about an hour. After that, I could do what I wanted during the labor process, and they would hook me up to the monitor about every hour or so for 10 minutes just to check on things.

So that happened, and I did what I planned on doing: I first got in the jet tub for about 40 minutes (which was hot, by the way - I've been told the water doesn't get too warm, but instead is luke-warm); got out and was monitored for 10 minutes. Contractions were about every 3 minutes apart, and were still painful and felt like they were getting stronger. Cael looked great.

Everything after that was a blur time-wise. I know I walked a lot, threw up, got checked again and was at 1-2 cm (I guess they checked me because I threw up), got monitored, walked some more, and then that brings me to about 7:45pm.

I was shivering, and was having a lot of pressure with the contractions, which were still getting a little stronger each time, but bearable with Matt's help and support. When I was checked at 7:45ish pm, I was told I was 2-3 cm dilated, 80% effaced, at 0 station, and my membranes were bulging a little. WOW - ok, so some progress, I thought. This is it, and I've finally accepted I was in labor, and would probably have a baby on Monday. My contractions were still at about 3 minutes apart, and still regular, but to me that was fine because my cervix was changing. Real labor changes your cervix, right?!

Fast forward to about 10:45-11pm. By this point, I had thrown up again, used the birthing ball a little, walked some more, and my contractions had been roughly 2-3 minutes apart. We got back to the room, spent a few minutes in there with me just walking in circles, and I remember saying to Matt that it all of a sudden felt like my contractions were slowing, and I wasn't having them as often anymore. At that point, my nurse entered the room, and it was time for my monitoring. I mentioned to her that it felt like my contractions were stopping.

According to the monitor, they were. They were random, irregular, and I only had a couple in that 15 minute time span. She explained my midwife's theory on what was happening.

We had sex that morning, which acted as a sort of "self-induction" of labor, because of the prostaglandins in the semen. Basically, it kick-started my labor into full gear, but once the hormones and prostaglandins wore off (about 13 hours later), there wasn't anything left to keep my labor going. So it just stopped. Like that.

By 11:15pm, I wasn't having any more contractions, I was pain-free, and devastated. I felt like I had been making good progress, and had come to the exciting, yet scary realization that I would be having a baby soon. But it turns out I wasn't.

I was given ambien to help me sleep, prevacid for the heartburn I was having, and was hooked back up to the monitor at around 12:30am on Monday. I was told to sleep as much as I could, on the off-chance my labor would start back up. I woke up a couple of times, and saw that I had a few contractions throughout the night, but they were obviously BH because I didn't feel them.

My midwife came in at around 7 to talk to me and check me, at which point I was very upset and crying. She said I was 1-2cm and only 60% effaced, and didn't mention anything about station or bulging membranes. This confused me, because the nurse who checked me the night before said I was further along, but I didn't bother asking why the difference.

She explained her theory of what happened, but also couldn't give me a real reason or explanation. She said that if this was false labor, my cervix wouldn't have changed, and the contractions would have stopped sooner. And she also said, "and we gave you morphine and everything" and I still continued to contract, so she seemed stumped. She didn't want to call it false labor, because she said everything about it was real - my pain, the contractions, my cervix changing. But also said that if I were further along, like 39 weeks, she would have broke my water to keep me going. But I'm still early, so there was nothing they would do. She also knew I'd be confused about when to come in again if this happens, because I don't know what's real or not.

We were discharged, and I was given a prescription of Vistaril with instructions to take it if I start having contractions again (another "test" to see if my labor is real - vistaril will stop false labor apparently). We got home about 9:30am and slept until 1:30 pm (this is all Monday, by the way).

In the end, I am confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, disappointed and upset. And honestly can't stop crying. I feel like I just wasted 13 of real labor for nothing. I feel like my body failed me. Maybe I'm overreacting, because honestly, everything with Cael is perfect, and I should be grateful. I am grateful he was able to withstand the labor I endured and is still perfectly healthy. It's just the disappointment and frustration that I'm feeling that is making me feel selfish, I guess. I went from "this isn't real labor" to "maybe I am in labor" to "wow, I'm really in labor, and we'll probably have a baby tomorrow!" to "now what? It wasn't real labor". Talk about confusion!

I know he'll come when he's ready, and I don't want to him to come until he is ready. I just feel cheated, I guess. I know I'll go into labor when he's ready, but for right now, I just have to process what I went through, and how I feel I have nothing to show for it.

I guess you can consider this whole ordeal a "trial run" for me. Matt was amazing - giving me back rubs, holding me, giving me water, etc. And as he says, "at least you know you can do it medicine-free, like you wanted, and you know what to expect more than you did before". I guess he's right.

:::Cael, I really can't wait to meet you now, and hold you. I love you so much. Please come soon, but only when you're ready:::

37 Weeks!! Term Today!!

•How far along?: 37 weeks! I'm now considered term!

•Current Weight: 145

•Total weight gain: +22 from pre-pregnancy weight.

•How big is baby?: Watermelon! This is the last fruit/veggie that Cael will "be".

•Movement: All.The.Time. He loves pushing his feet and butt out.

•Stretch marks?: Unfortunately, they've shown up late. I have some light ones on both hips, and just a few light ones on my lower back, off to the sides. Plus the one on top of my belly button.

•Sleep?: I have horrible insomnia, which is complicated by recent bouts of heartburn. I think I'm going to start taking Unisom at night again, like I did in the first trimester.

•Symptoms?: Heartburn has returned with a vengeance! Lots of BH's, some painful contractions, an increase in vaginal discharge, hip/pelvic pain and achiness, sharp lower twinges, and sore breasts and nipples.

•Food aversions?: Not currently.

•Food cravings?: Hamburgers, cheese, pizza, pasta..Nothing different.

•Labor signs?: Cael's head is really low; I'm also 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Getting BH's and some painful contractions.

•Belly button in or out?: It pokes out a wee bit.

•What I miss: Bending over, moving easily, deep breaths in, and seeing the skin below my belly button line.

•What I'm looking forward to: Having a normal bowel movement (it used to be so easy for me). And of course holding my sweet little man.

•Best Moment this week: Although I'm only 1 cm dilated (which I could have been for a while now), I'm happy that there is some progress at this point. It's much better than my cervix being high and closed, and Cael's head up high. Also, being taken off bed rest!! No more restrictions!

•Milestone: Being considered term!

Bed Rest - Days 41 & 42...And It's Over!!

So after 42 days of being on modified bed rest - exactly 6 weeks - all of my restrictions have been lifted! I'm no longer on bed rest! Woo-hoo! My appointment on Thursday, the 11th went really well. I didn't need another progesterone shot, and my midwife is thrilled that I've made it this far. I was hoping that she would check me, and she did. I was 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and Cael's head was really low. At this point, now that we're in the safe zone, I was hoping I'd be more dilated (especially with all the pre-term labor symptoms I've had over the last 6 weeks), but I was happy that there is something going on. It's better than my cervix being high and tight, and Cael being up and out of my pelvis.

So now that I've been of BR, Matt and I have been going at it, trying to naturally induce labor..lol. See, the thing is that Matt will be leaving Wednesday evening for a wedding on Long Island, and won't be returning until possibly Sunday. That's 4 days where he'll be away from home - 4 hours to be precise - and I'm terrified that I'm going to go into labor while he's away. He'd probably have enough time to get here before Cael arrived, but I would feel terrible if I had to drag him away from the wedding, especially since he's the Best Man. I'm also upset that I'll be missing the wedding, as it's my best friend's wedding as well, but it's not worth the risk of delivering down on LI, and paying for it completely out of pocket. So I will be staying home.

:::Cael, you can either come this weekend, or you have to wait until Daddy gets home on Sunday:::