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Friday, September 2, 2011

Dear Johnny Appleseed

Dear "Johnny Appleseed",

No honey, I have not forgotten about you. I can't forget about you - you were my first baby. My first pregnancy, and my first loss. It's just too ironic that the day we lost you is the same day - exactly one year later - that I am due with your baby brother, Cael. I know Cael probably won't be here tomorrow, September 3rd, but it's still a date of significance. It's the date that I lost you, but it's also the date that I'm due with Cael.

In the short amount of time that I carried you inside me - 5 weeks 1 day - I felt such joy, happiness, excitement and love. Some may say that I was barely pregnant, but what they say is nonsense. We didn't see your fetal pole, or your heartbeat, but I know you were growing inside of me. And then I lost you. That was one of the hardest times Daddy and I have experienced. It's something that, unless you go through a miscarriage yourself, you have no idea what it's like. All of your hopes and dreams for the tiny baby growing inside of you are just gone. It's not fair, and it hurts so much.

I have to admit though, that the pain, although still felt in my heart, has subsided. But that doesn't mean I have forgotten about you. As I've said, I will never forget about you. Where I once felt guilty for not crying anymore over your loss, I can admit that I don't have guilt anymore. The pain is still there, but I have been healing a little bit each day. And I know I will continue to heal. But I will never forget you.

Daddy and I aren't religious at all, but I know that you are in a better place. And I know you will be looking over your baby brother, Cael, when he arrives in this world.

I Love And Miss You,

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