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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Just Writing

As I'm writing this, I'm finishing a nice glass of wine. And I have to admit, that I'm nicely buzzed. It's been a while since I've been buzzed, or drunk for that matter. It's almost 1 am, and I'm still awake - as I do almost every night - but I will be going to bed shortly. I find that the only time I get to myself is after 10-10:30pm, when both Matt and Cael are in bed. So therefore, the last few nights, I haven't gone to bed until about 1am. It's nice to have *me* time, I must say. I love being home with Cael all day, but I also need time for myself.

Speaking of Cael, I'm looking back on pictures of him, and I can't believe how fast he's growing. He's holding his head up, looking around, follows objects with his eyes, and looks in the direction of sound. He smiles when he sees me, and it makes me so proud to know that he recognizes me. It makes me feel loved. I grow really sad at the rate that he's growing. I feel that he'll be going away to college before I know it, and it makes me cry. I don't know what I would do if I were working right now. I'm still looking for jobs - which there aren't any around our area - so that I can work, but I can't imagine leaving him everyday, and having a daycare raise my son. They would most likely experience every "first" of his. The first time he smiled, the first time he sat unassisted, the first time he reaches for an object, or his first word. It breaks my heart to think that I would miss all this. I feel horribly bad for all the mamas that have to experience this. I take it as a blessing that there aren't any places hiring for a sonographer around me, because it allows me to stay home with Cael, and experience his firsts.

I love my son so much. More than I ever imagined that I could. Knowing how much I love him makes me regret and feel so guilty for the way I felt the first 3 weeks of his life. I can't believe I felt the way I did. But I love him more than words can describe, and I think that's all that matters now. I just had to say that. I'm finding myself growing tired, so I'm going to end it here.

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