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Friday, January 14, 2011

I Miss You So Much

Dear Grandma,

I miss you so much, and wish you were still with us. I can't believe that today marks 7 years that you've been gone. You were my rock, and made everything good again. I loved spending time with you, and my sleepovers where we would say the Lord's Prayer together when you tucked me into bed. I miss helping you with your crafts, and going with you to antique stores and craft fairs. I miss everything so terribly. I hope you are better wherever you are, and I'm sure you're watching over my little Johnny Appleseed. I can see you and grandpa cradling my little baby, who never had a chance on this Earth. But now I am pregnant again, and I wish you were here for me through this pregnancy. I wish you would be able to hold your sweet great-grandchild - which would be your first great-grandchild. I know you would spoil him/her rotten, like you did me. I miss our Sunday morning trips to church, where we would get McDonald's breakfast after and bring it home to grandpa. I'm sad to admit it, but you are probably already aware, that I'm not religious anymore. I don't pray, I don't go to church, and I get very uncomfortable with any idea of religion. Sadly, that has been since you've been gone. I refuse to believe that any God would allow you to suffer the way you did. I watched you go from a lively, fun humorous women, to a worn out, tired and blind woman. Towards the end, your Lymphoma spread to your brain, which made you seem unlike yourself. Although you just laid there on bed in your living room, unresponsive and seemingly unconscious, I knew you could hear us. That's why I told you "I love you" one last time and gave you a hug, for fear that I wouldn't see you again. I'm glad I did, because only a few days later you were gone.

I'll never forget that day, grandma. I came home from school, and knew something was wrong. You had passed that morning while I was in school, but mom didn't take me out of school. She let me come home, and do my normal routine before giving any inkling that something was up. She told me she wanted to talk to me, and I knew, but I did everything I could to delay our talk. She came into my bedroom, and sat on my bed, and told me she really needed to talk to me. She then told me that you passed away. I could hear the words, but they weren't processing in my brain. I knew you were sick and wouldn't be around much longer. But no matter how long you know someone is sick for, you're never prepared for when they actually pass away. I was hysterically crying holding onto mom, and then started hyperventilating. I ended up having one of my bad anxiety attacks. My mom calmed me down. I couldn't believe you were gone. But I knew you were better . You weren't suffering anymore. You had all your hair back. You were able to see again. And you weren't in pain anymore.

I still wish you were here. I miss you so much. But I know you, grandpa and dad are watching over me and the rest of the family. Until we meet again. I love you, and miss you beyond words.

Your granddaughter

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