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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Something More

I've been having this feeling deep down inside me for about 2 weeks now. Possibly longer. I feel like I'm lacking something in my life. Which is a silly thought, because I have more than I could ever dream of. Cael has filled a void that I didn't even know I had, until he arrived. I try to think back to what it was like before we were even pregnant; how we were, what we did. But it's hard to imagine that life anymore, now that we know what life is like with Cael around. But now that we've established more of a somewhat "predictable" routine, I feel like..I don't know, like I'm getting bored. I feel like I'm starting to need something more, something else, to do.

I'm afraid of forgetting everything I learned about ultrasound, and I'm afraid that I won't remember how to scan patients, for if/when I do get a job. I love ultrasound, and I love my profession. And I don't want to feel like all those years of school, and all the student loans turned out to be for nothing in the long run. Maybe that's what's driving these feelings. Because I still love being home with Cael, and being there for him. I can't imagine having someone else raise him, and I give working moms a boatload of credit. They're stronger than I think I am. And when I think of returning to work full-time, I get really upset. I would love to be home with Cael forever, but 1) that's not financially possible; and 2) I know it just wouldn't happen.

I've been out of work for 10 months now - the longest I've ever not worked, not including when I was going to school full-time for ultrasound. But even then, I was working for some of that. Matt thinks that I may be getting "cabin fever", from being home all day with Cael, and doing the same thing over and over again. My usual day consists of 2 naps for Cael, diaper changes, feedings, dishes, playing with Cael, comforting Cael, cooking, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. Some days Cael and I will go food shopping, or go out to other stores. But for the most part, it's the same thing everyday.

Matt thinks that being home is the perfect time to go back to school. Initially, I threw the idea away. I did my time with school, and earned 2 degrees and a certification. It prepped me for my boards, and then I became registered. I felt done with school. But he kept bringing up the idea, and I think it's starting to grow on me. He said, if I can't find a job, or don't want to work, I should think about going back to school. But what exactly for?? A while back, I toyed around with the idea of going back to school to by a P.A. But now, it's pretty much impossible, with the amount of school work and residency required. However, I've been thinking about going back for photography. I feel like it's a complete 180 from what the norm is for me. Photography is a type of "Art", and I've always been a math and science person. There's a local community college (by local, it's probably 45 minutes away) that has a certificate photography program, which, under normal circumstances, could be done in 1 year. But I don't have normal circumstances. I'd have to take 15 credits a semester, and take classes during the day, during the week. There's no way that's possible. I don't have daycare for Cael. So for now, I don't think it's a possibility.

Another suggestion from Matt, was to just try to get out during the day - whether it's to the park (especially since the weather is getting warmer now), to Walmart just to walk around, or to the mall to walk around. Something to just get out of the house.

So anyway, my feelings. I feel like I should be more than a "stay at home mom". Maybe because I'm not used to being home, and doing "nothing". And by "nothing", I don't mean sitting home, twiddling my thumbs. I mean, not doing anything for myself mentally. Maybe that's it. Now that I wrote it, I think I figured it out. I'm not being mentally challenged. Something I've always needed and had - mental stimulation - is lacking now that I'm home with a baby all the time. Instead of learning or challenging myself, I watch Nick Jr. and Yo Gabba Gabba all day. Educational for a baby, but not for an adult.

Last night, I became really emotional over all these feelings before going to bed. I almost cried myself to sleep. I feel like I should be working, but then the idea of leaving Cael made me feel really sad. But then I felt like I needed something more during the day, for myself. But then I felt selfish for thinking about myself and what I want and need. I don't know, maybe tomorrow I'll feel different. That seems to be the pattern with me. One day I'll feel like this, the next I'll feel fine. I just have to tell myself to take one day at a time.

1 comment:

  1. I have had some of these same thoughts in the last month or so. I think now that our babies are getting sliiiiightly more independent, we have room to breathe unlike anything we've had for the last 8 months! I've been filling my time with more meditation and more outings. I also think I should be reading more. I hear you, girl! And we should talk! Photography would be so cool!