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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Wow, Time Flies!

I realized today that I haven't written a blog entry in a while. What can I say? I've been busy with a newborn! :) I did have plans to keep up with the weekly updates about Cael's milestones and growth, but it really has been time consuming caring for a newborn.

A lot has gone on since my last entry. Cael had his third weight check, and my little porker gained 11 ounces in 7 days, bringing his weight at that time up to 9 pounds 1 ounce. That was on September 29th. I did, however, step on a scale with and without him, and this past Thursday (a week ago tomorrow), he weighed about 10 pounds 6 ounces!! I can't believe how quickly he's growing. It's going by so fast.

I do have to say, it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows. In fact, it's been the opposite of that until most recently. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after Matt called my midwife and spoke to her. He didn't like how I was feeling, and what I was doing (or rather, wasn't doing). It was really rough. I honestly wanted to throw Cael through a wall, and I feel terrible both saying and writing that (don't worry I didn't, and I no longer feel that way). To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to be arrested and go to jail. Real sad and disgusting, right?

I also admitted that I didn't feel a connection with Cael at all. Of course I loved him because he's my son. But that instant and immediate love and bond that you so often hear about, I didn't feel. I feel guilty saying that, and it took almost the whole hour I spent with my midwife to admit that to her. How do you tell someone that you don't love your own child? But apparently it's completely normal to feel that way, and it does in fact take time to develop that connection and bond with your child. I felt a lot better after she told me that. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, and it was a horrible feeling.

She said everything I expressed to her was classic PPD, and she prescribed me Zoloft to take in addition to the Wellbutrin I've been on since 30 weeks pregnant. She also told me that she wanted me to see a therapist. I have yet to do that, and probably won't. The idea alone of seeing one stressed me out even more. I would have to figure out what to do with Cael, I'd have to drive up to Binghamton once a week, etc. So I decided against that, especially since the medicine seems to be working.

But with taking the Zoloft, I learned that I'm allergic to it. I currently have a horrible rash covering my breasts and chest, arms, legs and stomach. It started out as a small rash on my chest, then spread to the rest of my breasts, upper arms, lower arms, and then showed up on my legs and stomach. Because of this, I was switched back to Celexa yesterday after my official 6 week PP visit. I also learned my hemoglobin has gone up to 10.6, I think it was. Still a ways from normal (13), but it's going up. I currently don't have any more appointments with my midwife, and it made me really sad after she gave me a big hug, and left the exam room. She is truly the greatest provider I've ever had.

I've also recently spent a whole week on Long Island with my mom and family. I just got back on Monday (2 days ago). It was the most relaxing and stress-free week I've ever had on Long Island. I didn't have my car, so I didn't have to go anywhere; everyone came to me! That was a nice change. My mom also helped out so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She would stay up to burp him after I fed him, so that I could go right back to sleep during the night. She loved every minute of it though. How could she not? She got a whole week with her grandson. I'm going back down on Sunday for another week. It's nice because my mom will pick me up, and drop me off - like she did last week.

Ah - now onto the biggest news and my greatest stress of the moment. :::drumroll, please::: I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will repeat myself. I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will try to keep this as brief as possible, because I'm sure that I can go on and on about it.

Basically, here's the scoop. Because I was out on bed rest at 30 weeks, and have been out of work since then, I used up the 12 weeks I'm allowed under FMLA when Cael was 2 weeks old. At that point, I still had about 6 weeks of maternity leave left. Because my 12 weeks were up, I was informed that my job would be posted. Ok, that's fine and dandy. When I talked to my supervisor, we weren't even sure if anyone would apply for the job. Posting it was more of a "formality". That is, until I learned on Tuesday that my job was given to someone else.

Ten working days. That's the difference in time between when I would have returned after 6 weeks, versus when I would have returned after 8 weeks of leave. And the new person is starting on the day that I would have returned to work after 6 weeks. Real nice, huh? It's hard to not feel stabbed in the back, especially when I was told that I was "still considered part of the team."

I understand that FMLA only guarantees my job for 12 weeks, and after that it's up for grabs. But at the same time, they didn't have to post my job. Especially if they knew I had every intention of returning. I even had a daycare spot guaranteed for Cael when I was 9 weeks pregnant!!

After I heard this, Matt and I sat down and figured out our finances. We were trying to figure out if I'd be able to stay home with Cael, or if I should try to find another position - whether at Lourdes in another department, or at another facility all together. We figured out that if I were to return to Lourdes at the same pay rate, and have to pay the $630 a month for daycare and roughly $300 a month for gas, it wouldn't be worth it for what I'd be bringing home every 2 weeks. I would essentially be working to pay for gas and daycare. Therefore, Matt and I decided it would be better if I stayed home with Cael, and Matt possibly get a second job.

If I had the choice, I would prefer to stay home with Cael full-time. However, if my good credit was at risk, and if I would default on loans, I would rather work to pay for them. I love the idea of staying home, but I don't like how I was forced into this situation because my job was given away. But I'll stop venting here before I write something that I may regret.

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