And So The Journey Begins

So today, I called my ob/gyn with a slew of questions - half pregnancy related, half not. Long story short, I've been having some problems "down there", consisting of rash, itchiness, etc. So I went in on Monday for a visit, and they did an exam and sent a swab for a culture. I was initially supposed to call today to get those results, but it just so happens that I got my positive pregnancy test this morning too. How convenient. So I called for those results, and to let them know that I got a + hpt, and to get an order for blood work. They finally called me back around lunch time, and I was off to get my blood drawn. The midwife said that if my progesterone was low, they would immediately start me on progesterone suppositories. She also said the initial beta doesn't really mean much, but todays in combination with Friday's beta is what will count. They want to see them double every 48 hours. So I go again Friday and Sunday.

So I got a call around 5pm today from a midwife at the office with my results. I'm so happy that I didn't have to wait until tomorrow for my results. My progesterone looks good at 28.1, so I don't need suppositories; and my hcg is 43. What's going to matter is Friday's number - I'm seriously hoping that it doubles by Friday. The midwife also said that if they are doubled within the 3 times I have my blood tested, then they won't need to do any more blood work. I will then go in for an ultrasound around the first week of January (I will be around 6 weeks then) to check for a heartbeat. If there's a heart beat, then I definitely don't need anymore blood work done. Hopefully, they will still continue to monitor me until I'm done with my first trimester. It's going to be a long next couple of months, but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

A wonderful lady from the TTCAL board, Noah-Bear (click for her etsy shop), was generous enough to make hand-stamped washer ornaments for the ladies on the board for Christmas. I got mine in the mail today, and I absolutely love it. I immediately put it on our tree. She also was looking for someone to make a cuff bracelet for, so she made one for me. It's also hand-stamped, and says "in memory of our johnny appleseed 9.3.10". It came out perfect. I can't wait to wear it to work tomorrow. I am so thrilled that we are pregnant, and now I can say I'm looking forward to 2011.

I'm...Just Speechless

Fear. Excitement. Happiness. Terror. Numbness. Joy.

My test came up Positive. Like, really positive. It says "Pregnant" on it. Like, there's a baby growing inside me right now. I just don't know what to say. I can't believe I got pregnant so fast. My heart really breaks for those women who struggle to get pregnant. I can't even imagine what they're going through. And almost feel guilty that I got pregnant so quickly.

I really hope that this pregnancy sticks around for a little while. I'm really, really hoping. Can you tell I'm at a loss for words? I have so much going through my head right now. I haven't let the pregnancy test out of my sight. I keep looking at it, thinking a "Not" might show up in front of the word "Pregnant". I got up to go to the gym, but I'm not sure I want to now. I really should though, to keep up with it.

One day at a time. I know I'm extremely early - only 3 weeks 4 days today. Anything can happen at this point. I'm trying to not get too excited, but at the same time, taking it day by day, and I will try not to be a worry wart. I know to enjoy each day I get, as I may not have it tomorrow.

Oh yea. My estimated due date? September 3, 2011. I guess I can stop squeezing my boobs and nipples now to see if they're sore.

Stick baby, STICK!!

My Hope For This Cycle Is Fading

All of the "symptoms" I had are gone. My boobs don't hurt, I have no cramping, and honestly, I've scanned my uterus and my endometrial lining has even gone down - 7.8mm to 6.0mm. Not a good sign of pregnancy. The only thing I have going for me this cycle is that my temperatures continue to remain elevated, and higher than usual. So because of all that, in addition to not feeling pregnant (like I did last time), I think this cycle is a bust. I started testing 3 days ago. I'm not sure why so early. Maybe because I have those sensitive tests that can test a minimum hcg of 10? Either way, none of them have showed even the faintest line of hope. All negative. I'm only at CD10, so technically it's not over till it's over, but still. I just feel like this cycle will be ending soon. I actually hope it does (if I'm not pregnant, that is). My period should be here in 4-5 days. Then on to the next one.

I can't even hope for a birthday BFP, because my damn cycles are long and I'm a late ovulator. Maybe a Valentine's Day BFP? Actually, if I ovulate on schedule, I'd know about a week and a half before V-Day. I guess that would be fun. I just want my baby now. I would have been halfway through my pregnancy by now. I'd be 20 weeks 5 days by now. I really need to stop counting. It can't be good for my mental health. ::sigh::

Allow Me To Introduce...

My furbabies! We got Killian, our Chocolate Lab, in October 2005. He was born August 7, 2005 and we got him from a private breeder when he was 8 weeks old. He picked us, which was perfect. When he was little, he looked just like a bear! I can't believe how much time has passed since we got him - he just turned 5 in August! Although he is a purebred, he has his fair share of health issues. Basically, he has allergies - environmental and to DUST MITES! Funny thing is that dust mites originate because of animals. So he is allergic to himself essentially. He also gets chronic ear infections (since he was a puppy), skin rashes, and gets allergy shots monthly from us. With all that, we still love him very much, and he has nothing but love for us.

Then there is Tyson. He turned 3 in June, as he was born June 22, 2007. He is our little "butt nugget", or "football" as my in-laws call him (because he is pudgy and brown, like a football). He is a Boston Terrier/Jack Russell mix, and actually, not really hyper at all. He is my snuggle baby, as he likes to burrow himself under the covers, and snuggle with Matt or I. He sleeps in our bed at night, whereas Killian doesn't, because he growls anytime your feet get close to him. Aside from going into anaphylactic shock when he got his second booster shot, he is in pretty good health.

The two of them love each other very much, and whenever they are apart, they whine for each other. It's very cute, actually.

Finally, meet Bonnie and Clyde - our Sugar Gliders. They are brother and sister. Matt got them for me for last Christmas, in November. Unfortunately, we are their 3rd owners, so they never got to fully bond to a "human". The poor things. Because of this, they're taking longer than usual to bond to me. They were about 8 months old when we got them in November 2009. Matt and I drove down to Staten Island to get them from this lady who couldn't keep them. Clyde is more calm and relaxed than Bonnie is, and he isn't as jumpy. He was the first to let me pet him. I may not be able to currently cuddle them like I wanted to, but I still love them, and I know one day they will fully bond to me.

Everything Sleep

This comes to mind, and I feel a load of comfort when I think of it. I couldn't sleep the other night, but I said this about 3 times, and was able to fall asleep. I'm not religious by any means, but for some reason, the words comfort me.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It makes me think of my baby that I lost. Although I was really early when I miscarried, and I can in no way say that Johnny Appleseed was "born" asleep, it just comforts me that whatever soul JA had is in good hands. Where ever it is.

Speaking of sleep, my co-worker came to me this morning, and told me about a dream she had last night that was about me. She said in her dream, she was me. It was cool outside, so sometime around fall - September/October-ish. Before she realized subconsciously that it was me in her dream, she picked up this little baby dressed in all pink and was cuddling it. She told me she was thinking, "What am I doing with a baby?" That's when she realized that she was me in her dream. So she came to me this morning, and said, "Girl. You're going to have a girl in October." Shocked, I replied, "What? How do you know that?" She then told me her dream. I asked her if it could have possibly been September, and she said it could be, because it was cool outside, but not freezing - so sometime in the fall. It made me really happy, because Fertility Friend says if I conceive this cycle, my EDD would be September 3, 2011. That's close enough to fall for me! And even if not this cycle, and next, it would bring me into October. I hope dreams really do come true.

I have now been completely off of my sleep medications since around November 22nd, and I've actually (and surprisingly) been doing very well. I haven't had too many instances where I wanted to fall asleep during work, or even worse, while driving. I did nod off while driving when I was pregnant, and went off the road, and that was the scariest thing ever. I don't feel like I need to sleep all the time. It actually feels great. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I'm driving and my eyes just feel heavy and want to close, but compared to what it was previously when I was off my meds, I'm doing good. They say studies have shown that pregnancy can sometimes cure Hypersomnia. I don't know exactly if that means full-term pregnancies and delivery, or any length of pregnancy, but I'd like to think that my little Johnny Appleseed has helped my Hypersomnia symptoms ease a little. My little miracle.

Grow Cyst, Grow!

So that cyst I previously told you about is still around. Meaning I haven't ovulated yet. But that's ok, because I didn't think I did anyway. Well, after looking at it yesterday and seeing it was smaller, I was a little upset, thinking it was just re-absorbing into my body, and I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle :::my paranoid self:::. So today, I took another peek at my ovary, and now it's bigger - about 2.2cm in its greatest dimension. Yay - it's getting bigger! Which probably means I should be ovulating soon. Here is my lovely little cyst, which will hopefully release a tiny little egg, which will hopefully produce a beautiful little baby :::fingers crossed:::

So now I have a confession to make. I really had to pee today at work before I left to go home. Like, really had to pee. But I didn't want to waste the pee, given I didn't have an ovulation prediction test with me, and I have an hour and 15 minute drive home, and probably would have pissed myself if I hit a little bump in the road. SO, I "borrowed" a specimen cup from work, and peed in it so I could bring my pee home to dip an OPK in and test with that urine. I figured if I peed, and then went home and peed again, that second pee would have less LH in it. However, the best part of this story is as follows: So we already established that I really had to pee. Well, apparently I had to pee so bad, that I ended up overshooting the cup, and peed all over my hand and cup! Ugh! I guess I couldn't control how fast I peed. Needless to say, when

I finally got home and dipped the OPK, it was negative. BUT, the test line was darker than it had been in previous days although the test line was just slightly lighter than the control line. This means my LH is starting to go up, so I will test again in the morning to hopefully catch this surge. I don't want to wait another 24 hours to test again for fear of missing my surge. Granted, my last surge lasted 3 days; But I still don't know what my cycles are like, so I'd rather be safe than sorry. What a lovely less-than-positive OPK. Hopefully it will be positive tomorrow!

We've Got A Cyst, People!!

That's correct. My right ovary will be the one that releases that precious egg this cycle (hopefully, that is). I was having some twinges on my right side, so I asked a co-worker to take a "peek" at my ovaries, because I had a feeling I have a cyst. It's not too big yet, but I can definitely feel it, and it's getting there. :::Fingers Crossed:::

Guilt

My miscarriage. Was is caused by the intense cardio workouts I did at the Aerobics Convention days before finding out I was pregnant? Or was it because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times? I knew enough to stay out of the hot tub while in Cape Cod because I know it's not good to raise your body temperature while pregnant. I did, however, sit on the edge of the hot tub and just put my legs in. Could that have done it? Or could it be that we didn't wait long enough after coming off of my NuvaRing? Maybe it's a culmination of everything. I still have an Ipod app that is still set to my original May 5, 2011 due date. I haven't removed the date. I'm not sure why. Today I would have been 17 weeks 4 days. I would be finding out what gender the baby would be, and be able to tell family for Christmas. I would have a cute baby bump. I would be almost feeling the baby kick. I would be wearing maternity clothes. But I'm not. And I can't help but think that it was something that I did wrong. I know it's an irrational thought, because these things happen, and for sometimes reasons unknown. But it's still a thought in my mind. All I know is that I can't wait to be pregnant again. I won't complain about the nausea, or the cramping, or weight gain. I won't complain about my clothes not fitting, or the heartburn. Or about being uncomfortable, or about my legs and feet swelling. I really want to be pregnant now. I really hope that this cycle will be it for us. I know I can't complain because we haven't been trying for that long at all, compared to several other couples. They can complain, but not me. But I still want this cycle to be it. I want that baby bump. I want to not be allowed to drink on New Years. Or on my birthday. I want our take-home baby. And I don't want to wait much longer.

Ok, vent over. Thanks for listening.

Black Friday Madness And More

So yesterday I joined the crazy, insane ranks of those people who wake up way before dawn to get a head start on Christmas shopping. Yesterday, I went out on Black Friday. I was initially terrified and scared of going out with the mad masses of people shopping, but it wasn't bad at all. I even had fun! I have to say, that given the circumstances of my miscarriage and the heartache associated with it, I am very excited this Christmas. In past years, I have dreaded Christmas and shopping/gift giving. But this year is different, and I don't know why. Maybe because we have enough money to spend on each other for Christmas. Or maybe because this year I'm not stressing about what to buy Matt, and feel that I'm doing pretty good as far as buying gifts for Matt. I'm just really excited.

So I woke up yesterday at 2:30am, showered, and was out the door at 3:15am to start shopping at 4:30am. I went to (in order) Walmart, Best Buy, the Mall, PetSmart and Target. I even had my picture taken by Action News 12 in Binghamton while at the mall. They were doing a story on shoppers out on Black Friday, and I saw them when I went into the mall. I was behind the guy doing the interviews for the news station, but I just kept on going. I was on a mission with my list in hand. I thought that was the end of that. But last night when I was looking on their website to see the story they had, I was looking through still-shots they took of shoppers at the mall, and Lo and Behold - there I was! It's not the most flattering picture of me because I didn't know they were taking it (and didn't see them), but needless to say, I made the picture! It made me happy. I'm in the bottom right-hand corner of the picture, carrying the blue bag. Not bad, huh?

So while out yesterday, I got about 95% of my shopping done. As far as family goes, I only have a few items left to get. And for Matt, there are a couple of things I still need to get. But since it's still early with about a month left to go before Christmas, there is still plenty of time to get what is on my list, and probably more. All of my wrapping is done too. Everything I've bought for Christmas is wrapped already. I finished today, but numbered everything and wrote everything down on a list so I can remember what I bought and which gift is what. Just in case I need to open up one and return it, etc.

Also, I ordered highly sensitive home pregnancy tests that can test 10 miu/ml of HCG, meaning you can test 7-10 days after ovulation. I ordered them on the 23rd, and they arrived quickly yesterday. I have to say I'm impressed. I also ordered 5 ovulation prediction kits in order to get free shipping. I'm so ready for this cycle, and excited for the same time. It's on like Donkey Kong - this cycle has to be it!

So That Was A Shocker

I had a BIG temp spike this morning when I temped. Like, almost the highest temperature on my chart all cycle. This after a temp drop yesterday. After my temp drop yesterday, I figured I was out this cycle, because I should be expecting AF soon. Well, I guess not, because this morning I got a temp spike that would lead me to think otherwise. Also, I changed my chart a little too (meaning, I removed my very early +OPK, and removed the override feature), which in turn gave me a definite cross-hair for ovulation on CD28 - 2 days later than I thought I ovulated. WHICH MEANS, when I tested on Saturday and originally thought that I was 10dpo, I was really 8dpo. Which means today is when I'd be 10dpo. So there still is a chance that I could be pregnant this cycle.

My chart is driving me nuts, and I have no idea what to think or believe anymore. Yesterday, I was fully ready for AF to arrive, so that we could really, officially and "appropriately" try this next cycle. I figured, "Okay, we will do this right, the way our MW wants us to." And then today, I get a temp spike, and my thoughts turn to, "Okay, maybe AF won't be coming today, or tomorrow, and it looks like there is a chance I could be pregnant this cycle."

The more I try to analyze it, the more I drive myself crazy and cause my anxiety to rise. Like, right now - I feel like I'm on the verge of having an anxiety attack, and I just want to cry. My mind is just racing all over the place. What if we are pregnant? What if it ends in another miscarriage? Would I be able to handle another miscarriage emotionally? Is getting pregnant a cycle earlier than we were supposed going to affect anything? Is my MW going to be upset with me if we are pregnant a cycle ahead of when we were supposed to try? I can keep going on, but I'd end up with a novel of worries and what-ifs.

The kicker is that I have 1 test left, and it's a digital. I don't want to waste a digital if I'm not sure. Trust me, if I had other tests around, you best believe I would have peed on it by now. I don't get paid until Thursday, and unfortunately, money has been tight these last few weeks because of all the festivities we had in October. It ran our bank account dry pretty much. That means there is no extra money to spend on HPT's until Thursday. Great. I just have to suck it up, and put on my big-girl panties, as my mother-in-law would say, and wait until Thursday to test. It's going to be a loonngggg next 3 days. That is, unless AF decides to show her face.

Quickly: So to go along with my craziness and anxiety, my phantom EDD if I am pregnant this cycle would be August 13, 2011. That is not based on my LMP (because right now, I am on day 38 of my cycle, so LMP would be inaccurate), but based on a conception date of Saturday, November 6th; a day after my suspected ovulation date. That in itself opens up a bunch of conflicting issues surrounding that date (like my BF's wedding - August 19; and Matts' cousin's wedding - August 12). BUT, lets not get too ahead of ourselves now. I first need a positive HPT before I can start planning that far ahead. And not to mention, a pregnancy that goes well past 5 weeks and 1 day. :::sigh:::

I Caved This Weekend

So I was going to originally wait until tomorrow, Sunday, to take my first home pregnancy test of this cycle. But, I caved, and took one this morning when I woke up. It was..::: drum roll please::: NEGATIVE. I can't say I'm surprised though. I am only 10 days past ovulation. I was 12 days past ovulation when I was pregnant last time, and got a positive home pregnancy test. I will now probably wait until maybe Tuesday morning to test again. I only have a digital test left, and I don't want to waste it. So I'm going to probably end up buying Dollar Store cheapie HPT's.

If it turns out that I'm not pregnant this cycle, I guess that will be okay with me. We technically weren't supposed to be trying until next cycle anyway. If this isn't the cycle for us, I really hope that next cycle will give us our take-home baby.

113 pounds of B!TCH

Ugh. Today was such a crappy day. I am in the worst mood every. And I guess I really don't know why. I am about 6 days past ovulation, so it's not O moodiness...And I shouldn't be getting AF (aunt flow) for another week and a half...That is unless we're pregnant this cycle. Which, by the way, I have some guilt about (I'll discuss later). I think my crankiness started this morning when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear to work. Then the day was long, and heat was broken at work and it was like a sauna, and work was a little frustrating today. Some of the day, I just wanted to punch a wall; the rest of the day I wanted to cry. And when I got home, I wanted to punch Matt. Maybe because I'm cranky. Maybe because he wasn't home when I got home from work for me to vent to. Or maybe because he got nasty and yelled at me when I called him because the dogs were making noise coming out of their crate while he was trying to ask me a question. I yelled back by the way. Oh yea - the question he wanted to ask me? "Can you start my work clothes in the washer for me?" Yes, sure honey. Ugh. To top it off, I had to scan a patient today (boobie related - not OB related) who was 20 or so weeks pregnant. Great. Usually it doesn't bother me. But today it did for some reason. I miss being pregnant. I should have the start of a belly by now. I would be 14 weeks and 5 days right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I've been good lately. I just want to be pregnant again, and have our baby. I kind of want to cry now thinking about it.

So about feeling guilty. My mid-wife said for Matt and I to wait 2-3 cycles before we started trying again. Honestly, I don't know why so long. I know every doctor is different and every situation is different. But I was so early, and there was no sign of even a baby. My levels went to 0 in one week after my miscarriage because they weren't high to begin with. Maybe it was because we got pregnant right away the cycle following me coming off birth control? I don't know. Maybe it was for my emotional well-being; I was really devastated, and couldn't stop crying during that visit.

So I'm in the middle of my second cycle right now - O'd 6 days ago - so that means if I went by my MW, then Matt and I could start trying again after I get this cycles' AF. Right? Well, I think we went against that advice. Honestly, we ran out of condoms. Or at least we thought we did. It was an honest "mistake". I found 2 under the bed while collecting laundry. So we had sex without a condom. This was last week. Two days before ovulation. Oops. Thing is, my temps were so screwy in the beginning of the cycle, I figured to hell with it, I'm not O'ing this cycle. I guess I was wrong, because I started peeing on OPK's (ovulation prediction kits), and I got 3 positives in a row starting the day after we had sex. And then I had a 3cm cyst on my right ovary that ruptured sometime Wednesday night (day I O'd). So I'm pretty sure I O'd on that day. Although, FF (fertility friend) still hasn't given me CH's (cross hairs) yet for an O day, so I overrode it, and set my O date the CD26. So now, we have to wait for next week to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant. Maybe that's why the moodiness? But it would be too early for moodiness, as I am only 6 days after ovulation. The little speck would just be nestling into my uterus.

The reason I feel guilty is that my MW said to wait 2-3 cycles (meaning 2-3 periods), and I've only had 1 period so far. Maybe I can make myself feel better by thinking, maybe she meant 2-3 months? In that case, I'd be golden. But in reality, I know she meant periods. But whatever makes me sleep at night, right? I would feel so bad and guilty if I did get pregnant, and I miscarried again because we didn't wait like we should have. But then again, plenty of people have had doctors tell them it's OK to try again after 1 period. Some doctors even say couples can try right after a miscarriage (assuming they will ovulate immediately following a miscarriage). I would also be so frustrated with myself, Matt and in general if we did have a miscarriage because we didn't wait long enough, and we had to wait even longer to try. I wonder if it was even worth it to not use a condom. I do hope I'm pregnant, but at the same time, I hope if I am that it's not being jeopardized because we were being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that things happen, and you can't change the past. You can only prepare for the future. Hopefully it's a future (very near future) with a healthy pregnancy, and not a future with another miscarriage caused by our lack of responsibility. :::fingers crossed:::

Getting There

So to continue the story about my mom, and the stress she gives me :) So I told my brother to call an ambulance because something was obviously wrong with mom. So he called one, and off to the hospital they took her. They ran a bunch of tests on her from a chest X-Ray (what's a hospital visit without one of those!), to testing several vials of blood, to a head CT. Now, they called a Code Orange on my mom (which I'm assuming is a neuro/stroke code), and actually removed a patient mid-scan from the CT to scan my mom. When my step-dad told me that, I knew it probably wasn't good. My first impression from talking to my mom prior was either a stroke or mini-stroke. Based on the hospitals actions, I was assuming they were thinking the same thing.

So it also took 3 techs and 7 pokes to my moms arms to get any blood for testing. They were checking everything from liver/kidney function to drug testing. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending how you look at it) everything in the blood work was negative. And her head CT was also negative. WHAT?! Um, then why is mom like this?? So because they still didn't know what was going on, and even though she was starting to come to with NO memory of that entire afternoon what-so-ever, they admitted her. It was Sunday night around 11:30pm by the time they put her in a room. Oh yea, and she was on the Stroke Unit. Great.

So the next morning, I get up and do my usual thing - take my temperature, eat a little something, go to the gym, shower, and then head to work. I called a good friend/co-worker while I was on my way to work, to give her a heads up about the happenings of the night before, so she could forewarn our other co-worker/supervisor. So I show up at work, and my other co-worker looks at me, and says, "Why are you here?" I told her because my step-dad and Matt said to not go down, because they still don't know what's going on with mom, and I had just got back from Long Island "hours" before. She then asked me if I wanted to go back, and to that I started crying, saying that I'm scared, and yes I do want to be with my mom. With that, she then told me to "get out of here", and not to worry, the building will still be around when I get back. She told me to take off as much as I needed, and if it was the whole week (I was going BACK to LI on Thursday for my BF's wedding) that would be fine - it wouldn't be worth it to drive back on, say Wednesday, work a day, and then drive all the way back. So I did an about-face, punched out, and headed home (an hour and 15 minutes away) to pack for a week.

Ok, so longer story short, I drove to Long Island, and got there by around 4ish pm. I stayed with mom until about 8:30pm that night. She looked good, and was surprised to see me. Of course, she asked me "who told you I was here?", and I looked at her, a little nervous, and said, "Mom, when I talked to you at 7:00 this morning, I told you that I was the one who told Rob to call an ambulance." To that she said, "Oh yea, that's right. I remember now." :/ I then went on to jokingly ask her what her birthday was (Which I think is going to be a long-standing inside joke now). That day, they did an MRA, MRI, and echocardiogram. All of which were NEGATIVE. Huh?? What??? Negative? Well, then mom, you're not going anywhere until they find out what happened, and why you still can't remember anything from Sunday.

Lo and behold, they did have a reason. They called it Prednisone Psychosis. And after looking it up (I thought the doctor was pulling this out of her ass), it made sense - she had all the symptoms, which oddly enough, mimic a stroke. Mom has been on and off Prednisone for years for bad lungs and chronic pneumonia. She was just finishing up a tapered dose for pneumonia when this happened.

So, she didn't have a stroke or mini-stroke, and all of this was caused by a drug. One drug. Amazing. I'm just happy that mom is ok, and there was nothing seriously wrong with her. She was discharged on Tuesday with no restrictions, except to stay away from Prednisone. Thank God. So I stayed down for the rest of the week to help out with the kids, and when mom was feeling better and I knew she was ok, I transitioned over to wedding stuff. Which, by the way, the wedding was so beautiful, and so much fun. And I have a new favorite picture of Matt and I (above).

In other news, October is over - YAY!

And I started using OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kits - pretty much a stick you pee on that tells you when you're about to ovulate), and got my first + OPK on CD 19, October 27. I also got a positive last night, and this morning right after I temped. Initially, after the first +OPK, I thought I wasn't going to ovulate this cycle because my temps were so weird, and didn't show any temp spike to go along with ovulation. But now, I have a temp spike, and 2 +OPK's. So I guess I'm going to O; just a little later than expected.

It's Been A While

I realized I haven't written here in a long time. I'm sorry guys. Matt and I are so much closer to trying again. I'm halfway through this cycle (although, I still don't know if I'm going to ovulate or not), so after this next period, Matt and I will be golden to start trying again. I'm so excited, yet nervous at the same time. I know I've only miscarried once, and there are several ladies that I've talked to on TheBump who have had several miscarriages/pregnancy losses, but I just want my take-home baby. I hope we're able to conceive on our first try.

In other news, so much has happened in the last few weeks. I just can't wait for this month to be over! It's been fun though!

I have my bf's wedding coming up tomorrow. It will be a Halloween/Fall themed wedding, and I'm in it. I LOVE our bridesmaids dresses. They're black and floor-length, so they are definitely a dress we can wear again. We finished all the programs and favors, and now we're just doing some last minute things to get ready.

My uncles wedding was last weekend. It was a lot of fun, but there was drama as well. Which is to be expected at an Italian wedding :) So last weekend, the wedding was on Saturday, and Matt and I went down to Long Island on Friday night (Oh yea, almost EVERYTHING I've done this month involved me driving down to LI). We left for home on Sunday around 11:30am. We were about 10 minutes from home when I get a call from my brother that there is something wrong with mom. He was asking me if she was ok when I left the house that morning, and she was. So I called my moms, and my other brother answered the phone, and I was asking him what was going on. He said mom was acting weird, saying weird things, and seeing things. So I had him put me on the phone with her. After talking to her for less than a minute, I had her put my brother back on the phone, and I told him that they needed to call an ambulance. My other brother (who called me in the first place - he's 20) was 5 minutes from home, so they waited on calling the ambulance until he came home and could assess what was happening. I hung up the phone, and waiting until he called me back from home.

So my brother called me back, and I spoke to him, and he said there was definitely something wrong with mom. I spoke to my mom one more time, in which I asked her what her birthday was - the golden question for assessing mental status. When she couldn't tell me, and also couldn't tell me what day it was, I told her to put my brother on the phone. I said, "Rob, you need to call an ambulance right NOW. She can't tell me her birthday." After he hung up with me, they called the ambulance and took her to the hospital. I knew it wasn't good based on me talking to mom.

I will have to leave you at this for now, because I have to go do wedding festivities. But I will tell you that she is ok now, and out of the hospital after a 2 day stay. I will continue later.

Sigh...

I've been doing good so far. However, as each day passes, the more and more I wish I was still pregnant. I seriously can't wait until December comes. Actually, if my cycles stay consistent, we may actually be able to try at the end of November. And that would be awesome :).

I scanned a patient today that was 17 weeks pregnant with her third child, and she was obviously showing (the scan was not pregnancy related). As soon as I saw her information sheet which said that she was pregnant, my heart sank. But I had to fight through my feelings of sorrow, anger and jealously, put on a smile, and of course do her ultrasound. Is it bad that when I saw her belly, I wished it was me? I wished I was pregnant, and became extremely jealous of her? It's probably normal to feel that way, but at the same time, I work in the health field, and feel that I should not have these feelings. After all, I don't know what she had to possibly go through to become pregnant. And of course, I didn't let my feelings compromise the level of care I provided to her. I would never let that happen. I love my job too much to risk that.

I think I may be getting my period this weekend, which I would be thankful for. However, I will be away this weekend, and am hoping that it's not too heavy that I'm uncomfortable. I will be at my best friend's engagement party, and I want to be able to enjoy it. I'm not sure if I will drink though. I'm still undecided. I think since July, I've had maybe 1 beer?? (after my miscarriage, of course). I don't know - I just feel guilty drinking, because in my mind, I should still be pregnant, and therefore not allowed to drink. But I have to realize that I'm not pregnant anymore, and I should be able to continue to enjoy life. All I can keep thinking about is that with every passing day, December is getting closer. Plus, with how much I have going on in October, I'm sure it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Lets see: In October, I will have only been home for 1 weekend out of the 5 in October (which was last weekend). This weekend I will be on Long Island for an engagement party, and will be coming back Sunday. Then Tuesday the 12th, I am having an upper Endoscopy done for stomach problems I've been having. I then leave for Denver, CO on Thursday the 14th for an Ultrasound conference, and return Sunday the 17th to be at work on Monday the 18th. THEN, the next weekend, which is the 23rd, I have to go to Long Island again for my uncles wedding. And finally, the last weekend in October, which is the 30th, I will be in my other best friend's wedding. Not to mention I have 2 other doctor appointments in there somewhere, and bowling leagues on Sunday nights...PHEW! What a crazy month! I feel like I'm forgetting something though..Oh well, I'll think of it..

So long for now. Hoping I get my period this weekend, but also at the same time, looking forward to my BF's engagement party :)