Everything Sleep

This comes to mind, and I feel a load of comfort when I think of it. I couldn't sleep the other night, but I said this about 3 times, and was able to fall asleep. I'm not religious by any means, but for some reason, the words comfort me.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It makes me think of my baby that I lost. Although I was really early when I miscarried, and I can in no way say that Johnny Appleseed was "born" asleep, it just comforts me that whatever soul JA had is in good hands. Where ever it is.

Speaking of sleep, my co-worker came to me this morning, and told me about a dream she had last night that was about me. She said in her dream, she was me. It was cool outside, so sometime around fall - September/October-ish. Before she realized subconsciously that it was me in her dream, she picked up this little baby dressed in all pink and was cuddling it. She told me she was thinking, "What am I doing with a baby?" That's when she realized that she was me in her dream. So she came to me this morning, and said, "Girl. You're going to have a girl in October." Shocked, I replied, "What? How do you know that?" She then told me her dream. I asked her if it could have possibly been September, and she said it could be, because it was cool outside, but not freezing - so sometime in the fall. It made me really happy, because Fertility Friend says if I conceive this cycle, my EDD would be September 3, 2011. That's close enough to fall for me! And even if not this cycle, and next, it would bring me into October. I hope dreams really do come true.

I have now been completely off of my sleep medications since around November 22nd, and I've actually (and surprisingly) been doing very well. I haven't had too many instances where I wanted to fall asleep during work, or even worse, while driving. I did nod off while driving when I was pregnant, and went off the road, and that was the scariest thing ever. I don't feel like I need to sleep all the time. It actually feels great. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I'm driving and my eyes just feel heavy and want to close, but compared to what it was previously when I was off my meds, I'm doing good. They say studies have shown that pregnancy can sometimes cure Hypersomnia. I don't know exactly if that means full-term pregnancies and delivery, or any length of pregnancy, but I'd like to think that my little Johnny Appleseed has helped my Hypersomnia symptoms ease a little. My little miracle.

Guilt

My miscarriage. Was is caused by the intense cardio workouts I did at the Aerobics Convention days before finding out I was pregnant? Or was it because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times? I knew enough to stay out of the hot tub while in Cape Cod because I know it's not good to raise your body temperature while pregnant. I did, however, sit on the edge of the hot tub and just put my legs in. Could that have done it? Or could it be that we didn't wait long enough after coming off of my NuvaRing? Maybe it's a culmination of everything. I still have an Ipod app that is still set to my original May 5, 2011 due date. I haven't removed the date. I'm not sure why. Today I would have been 17 weeks 4 days. I would be finding out what gender the baby would be, and be able to tell family for Christmas. I would have a cute baby bump. I would be almost feeling the baby kick. I would be wearing maternity clothes. But I'm not. And I can't help but think that it was something that I did wrong. I know it's an irrational thought, because these things happen, and for sometimes reasons unknown. But it's still a thought in my mind. All I know is that I can't wait to be pregnant again. I won't complain about the nausea, or the cramping, or weight gain. I won't complain about my clothes not fitting, or the heartburn. Or about being uncomfortable, or about my legs and feet swelling. I really want to be pregnant now. I really hope that this cycle will be it for us. I know I can't complain because we haven't been trying for that long at all, compared to several other couples. They can complain, but not me. But I still want this cycle to be it. I want that baby bump. I want to not be allowed to drink on New Years. Or on my birthday. I want our take-home baby. And I don't want to wait much longer.

Ok, vent over. Thanks for listening.

113 pounds of B!TCH

Ugh. Today was such a crappy day. I am in the worst mood every. And I guess I really don't know why. I am about 6 days past ovulation, so it's not O moodiness...And I shouldn't be getting AF (aunt flow) for another week and a half...That is unless we're pregnant this cycle. Which, by the way, I have some guilt about (I'll discuss later). I think my crankiness started this morning when I couldn't find a shirt I wanted to wear to work. Then the day was long, and heat was broken at work and it was like a sauna, and work was a little frustrating today. Some of the day, I just wanted to punch a wall; the rest of the day I wanted to cry. And when I got home, I wanted to punch Matt. Maybe because I'm cranky. Maybe because he wasn't home when I got home from work for me to vent to. Or maybe because he got nasty and yelled at me when I called him because the dogs were making noise coming out of their crate while he was trying to ask me a question. I yelled back by the way. Oh yea - the question he wanted to ask me? "Can you start my work clothes in the washer for me?" Yes, sure honey. Ugh. To top it off, I had to scan a patient today (boobie related - not OB related) who was 20 or so weeks pregnant. Great. Usually it doesn't bother me. But today it did for some reason. I miss being pregnant. I should have the start of a belly by now. I would be 14 weeks and 5 days right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, but I've been good lately. I just want to be pregnant again, and have our baby. I kind of want to cry now thinking about it.

So about feeling guilty. My mid-wife said for Matt and I to wait 2-3 cycles before we started trying again. Honestly, I don't know why so long. I know every doctor is different and every situation is different. But I was so early, and there was no sign of even a baby. My levels went to 0 in one week after my miscarriage because they weren't high to begin with. Maybe it was because we got pregnant right away the cycle following me coming off birth control? I don't know. Maybe it was for my emotional well-being; I was really devastated, and couldn't stop crying during that visit.

So I'm in the middle of my second cycle right now - O'd 6 days ago - so that means if I went by my MW, then Matt and I could start trying again after I get this cycles' AF. Right? Well, I think we went against that advice. Honestly, we ran out of condoms. Or at least we thought we did. It was an honest "mistake". I found 2 under the bed while collecting laundry. So we had sex without a condom. This was last week. Two days before ovulation. Oops. Thing is, my temps were so screwy in the beginning of the cycle, I figured to hell with it, I'm not O'ing this cycle. I guess I was wrong, because I started peeing on OPK's (ovulation prediction kits), and I got 3 positives in a row starting the day after we had sex. And then I had a 3cm cyst on my right ovary that ruptured sometime Wednesday night (day I O'd). So I'm pretty sure I O'd on that day. Although, FF (fertility friend) still hasn't given me CH's (cross hairs) yet for an O day, so I overrode it, and set my O date the CD26. So now, we have to wait for next week to pee on a stick to see if I am pregnant. Maybe that's why the moodiness? But it would be too early for moodiness, as I am only 6 days after ovulation. The little speck would just be nestling into my uterus.

The reason I feel guilty is that my MW said to wait 2-3 cycles (meaning 2-3 periods), and I've only had 1 period so far. Maybe I can make myself feel better by thinking, maybe she meant 2-3 months? In that case, I'd be golden. But in reality, I know she meant periods. But whatever makes me sleep at night, right? I would feel so bad and guilty if I did get pregnant, and I miscarried again because we didn't wait like we should have. But then again, plenty of people have had doctors tell them it's OK to try again after 1 period. Some doctors even say couples can try right after a miscarriage (assuming they will ovulate immediately following a miscarriage). I would also be so frustrated with myself, Matt and in general if we did have a miscarriage because we didn't wait long enough, and we had to wait even longer to try. I wonder if it was even worth it to not use a condom. I do hope I'm pregnant, but at the same time, I hope if I am that it's not being jeopardized because we were being selfish. I don't know. All I know is that things happen, and you can't change the past. You can only prepare for the future. Hopefully it's a future (very near future) with a healthy pregnancy, and not a future with another miscarriage caused by our lack of responsibility. :::fingers crossed:::

It's Been A While

I realized I haven't written here in a long time. I'm sorry guys. Matt and I are so much closer to trying again. I'm halfway through this cycle (although, I still don't know if I'm going to ovulate or not), so after this next period, Matt and I will be golden to start trying again. I'm so excited, yet nervous at the same time. I know I've only miscarried once, and there are several ladies that I've talked to on TheBump who have had several miscarriages/pregnancy losses, but I just want my take-home baby. I hope we're able to conceive on our first try.

In other news, so much has happened in the last few weeks. I just can't wait for this month to be over! It's been fun though!

I have my bf's wedding coming up tomorrow. It will be a Halloween/Fall themed wedding, and I'm in it. I LOVE our bridesmaids dresses. They're black and floor-length, so they are definitely a dress we can wear again. We finished all the programs and favors, and now we're just doing some last minute things to get ready.

My uncles wedding was last weekend. It was a lot of fun, but there was drama as well. Which is to be expected at an Italian wedding :) So last weekend, the wedding was on Saturday, and Matt and I went down to Long Island on Friday night (Oh yea, almost EVERYTHING I've done this month involved me driving down to LI). We left for home on Sunday around 11:30am. We were about 10 minutes from home when I get a call from my brother that there is something wrong with mom. He was asking me if she was ok when I left the house that morning, and she was. So I called my moms, and my other brother answered the phone, and I was asking him what was going on. He said mom was acting weird, saying weird things, and seeing things. So I had him put me on the phone with her. After talking to her for less than a minute, I had her put my brother back on the phone, and I told him that they needed to call an ambulance. My other brother (who called me in the first place - he's 20) was 5 minutes from home, so they waited on calling the ambulance until he came home and could assess what was happening. I hung up the phone, and waiting until he called me back from home.

So my brother called me back, and I spoke to him, and he said there was definitely something wrong with mom. I spoke to my mom one more time, in which I asked her what her birthday was - the golden question for assessing mental status. When she couldn't tell me, and also couldn't tell me what day it was, I told her to put my brother on the phone. I said, "Rob, you need to call an ambulance right NOW. She can't tell me her birthday." After he hung up with me, they called the ambulance and took her to the hospital. I knew it wasn't good based on me talking to mom.

I will have to leave you at this for now, because I have to go do wedding festivities. But I will tell you that she is ok now, and out of the hospital after a 2 day stay. I will continue later.

Sigh...

I've been doing good so far. However, as each day passes, the more and more I wish I was still pregnant. I seriously can't wait until December comes. Actually, if my cycles stay consistent, we may actually be able to try at the end of November. And that would be awesome :).

I scanned a patient today that was 17 weeks pregnant with her third child, and she was obviously showing (the scan was not pregnancy related). As soon as I saw her information sheet which said that she was pregnant, my heart sank. But I had to fight through my feelings of sorrow, anger and jealously, put on a smile, and of course do her ultrasound. Is it bad that when I saw her belly, I wished it was me? I wished I was pregnant, and became extremely jealous of her? It's probably normal to feel that way, but at the same time, I work in the health field, and feel that I should not have these feelings. After all, I don't know what she had to possibly go through to become pregnant. And of course, I didn't let my feelings compromise the level of care I provided to her. I would never let that happen. I love my job too much to risk that.

I think I may be getting my period this weekend, which I would be thankful for. However, I will be away this weekend, and am hoping that it's not too heavy that I'm uncomfortable. I will be at my best friend's engagement party, and I want to be able to enjoy it. I'm not sure if I will drink though. I'm still undecided. I think since July, I've had maybe 1 beer?? (after my miscarriage, of course). I don't know - I just feel guilty drinking, because in my mind, I should still be pregnant, and therefore not allowed to drink. But I have to realize that I'm not pregnant anymore, and I should be able to continue to enjoy life. All I can keep thinking about is that with every passing day, December is getting closer. Plus, with how much I have going on in October, I'm sure it will be here in the blink of an eye.

Lets see: In October, I will have only been home for 1 weekend out of the 5 in October (which was last weekend). This weekend I will be on Long Island for an engagement party, and will be coming back Sunday. Then Tuesday the 12th, I am having an upper Endoscopy done for stomach problems I've been having. I then leave for Denver, CO on Thursday the 14th for an Ultrasound conference, and return Sunday the 17th to be at work on Monday the 18th. THEN, the next weekend, which is the 23rd, I have to go to Long Island again for my uncles wedding. And finally, the last weekend in October, which is the 30th, I will be in my other best friend's wedding. Not to mention I have 2 other doctor appointments in there somewhere, and bowling leagues on Sunday nights...PHEW! What a crazy month! I feel like I'm forgetting something though..Oh well, I'll think of it..

So long for now. Hoping I get my period this weekend, but also at the same time, looking forward to my BF's engagement party :)

Journal And Picture

So yesterday marked 3 weeks since I miscarried. I would have been 8 weeks 2 days today. And I would have had my 8 week appointment on Monday, the 27th. But I'm not. I've been getting better and the days have been getting easier. I've received 2 sympathy cards, which I greatly appreciate. One was from my brother and sister-in-law, and the other one I received was from a co-worker 2 days ago. It's nice to know that they care about me. Sending a card is a small gesture, but means a whole lot more.

I have to be honest. I'm a sonographer. Right after I found out I was pregnant, when I was 4 weeks 3 days pregnant, I decided to scan myself to see if I could see anything, and check to see if I had my dates right. I never told anyone this (except for Matt and my mom). I couldn't really see too much of anything, but I did see a really small sac. I guess that should have been my first clue that maybe something was wrong. I should have at least seen a sac that was larger, and maybe a yolk sac. But of course you think it could never happen to you, so I just assumed my dates were off, and I was earlier than I thought. Fortunately, I was able to print a few pictures of my little sac to keep. Little did I know that was going to be the only proof (other than the pregnancy test and betas) that I was pregnant. That tiny sac. I fell in love with it, and in my mind, it was perfect. Nothing could be wrong, right? Boy was I wrong. But it's ok. I've come to "terms" with it, and I'm happy that I have those few pictures. I consider myself

very fortunate because a lot of women don't get to see their baby that early, and I did. So here is my little baby that was. The little sac is the little black area at the tip of my index finger. Isn't it so cute?

I still have my pregnancy journal, and will never get rid of them. I keep the pictures I have and the cards I got in it.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I can't wait until December comes. Hopefully it won't take too long for Matt and I to get pregnant. I can't wait for that day, although I am going to be terrified that I will go through this again. But I know I can't think like that. I will just have to enjoy it day by day, knowing that I will never know what the next day holds. But I will climb that mountain when the time comes.

Two Weeks Gone

It has been two weeks since my miscarriage today. I would have been 7 weeks 1 day. I do have to say it's been getting easier, day by day. I find myself thinking about it everyday, but not dwelling on it. I think that the idea of December approaching soon is very comforting to me, because that is when we can start trying again. I know I will get my take-home baby soon. I just have to be patient.

I also take comfort in the fact that I got pregnant, and that I can get pregnant. My heart goes out to those families who have infertility issues - I would never wish that on anyone.

Again, this is a short post, but I will be back soon.

In Memory

I decided that I wanted something to remember my pregnancy/baby. I already have a Pandora bracelet that I started with a die charm from when hubby and I went to Atlantic City. So I decided that the best way to remember my lost pregnancy would be to get a charm. I didn't know what the best type of charm would be, so I went to the jeweler to look through what they had. That's when it hit me - A birthstone charm would be perfect. My due date was May 5, 2011, so I decided I wanted a charm with the May birthstone. I found one I loved, so I got it. May's stone is Emerald - which is also perfect, because I love anything Irish. I'm in love with this charm, and can't stop playing with it. I'm so happy that I decided to get something to remember our "Johnny Appleseed".

I Dreamed A Dream

I can't help it, but I keep thinking back on the dream I had on August 23 - the day I had my first positive pregnancy test. I had temped that morning, like I had been. After the thermometer beeped and I looked at it, I remember smiling because of the spike (For those who may not know, after ovulation, a spike can mean you're pregnant), and then fell right back to sleep. That was 4:30 am, my usual temping time. The dream I had after that was of me having an ultrasound, and seeing an 8 week baby on the screen. I was pregnant in my dream, and it was an amazing feeling.

Of course, on August 23, I wouldn't have been 8 weeks along, but it's like I almost knew that I was pregnant before I tested. I woke up later, at 7:30 and knew I had the dream, but didn't really think much of it. I had been in Cape Cod, MA since the 19th, and I was going back home that morning. It was at about 4:00 that evening that I took the home test, and got a positive result.

I don't know if I'll ever forget that dream, but the baby looked so perfect on the screen. I know it was only a dream, but maybe it was a vision of the future; a vision of our future pregnancy. I can't wait for that day. Hopefully, it won't be too far from now.

It's Been 1 Week

I'm starting to get better. It's still hard though. It has been one week since I miscarried. I would have been 6 weeks 1 day today. My baby would have had a heartbeat, and would be growing. But it's not. The days have been getting easier, although I feel guilty about that, and I don't know why. I know it's supposed to get easier.

I'm leaving for Long Island tonight after work, but I'm only staying until Sunday morning. I have to get my bridesmaid dress fitted for my best friend's wedding at the end of October. I'm so excited about it :) I guess I could have a drink now at the wedding :/ I'd rather still be pregnant.

I started taking my basal body temperature again this morning. Matt said I should wait a month and just take it easy, and not temp. But I feel it will make the coming months go faster. It's something to look forward to each morning, to see what my temperature is. Plus, I've heard a lot of women don't ovulate their first cycle after a miscarriage. I'm interested in seeing if I'll be one of those women or not.

This will be a short post, so I leave you here. I'm off to the gym to hopefully clear my mind.

Crushing Introduction

I have had several heart-wrenching things happen to me in my life, mostly consisting of a cherished loved one passing away; my Grandmother, Grandfather, great Uncle - All of whom I was very close to, and helped raise me. However, there has recently been one event happen to me that I will never, ever forget. One that hits me right in my heart. One that has made me want to start blogging as an outlet and way to grieve and heal. I miscarried my first pregnancy.

Matt and I were married on a beautiful day on June 6, 2009. He is my best friend, my soul mate. We are originally from Long Island, but moved to northeast Pennsylvania in July 2005. I finished school, took and passed my boards (for Ultrasound), and then we got married. Everything has been perfect so far. We still need to buy our own home, but we are doing fine where we are now. Buying our first home will come eventually.

Matt and I decided to start trying for a baby on July 22, 2010. That is the day that I stopped my NuvaRing. I got my period the next day. I started charting my basal body temperature 2 weeks later. Then, on August 23, 2010, we got our very first positive home pregnancy test. It was an EPT digital HPT, and it read out "Pregnant". I couldn't believe my eyes. Did this really happen this quickly?? Could this be wrong?? OMG, I'M PREGNANT!! Exactly one month after we decided to start trying, and we were already pregnant. I was so excited and couldn't wait for all the pregnancy milestones. However, I'll admit it now - Something didn't feel right. It felt like it happened too soon, and it was too good to be true. Nonetheless, Matt and I were so excited to be taking on this new part of our lives together. Our due date was May 5, 2011 - 3 days before Mother's Day :).

I had blood work done the next day, on the 24th, and it confirmed that I was pregnant. My beta's were 69, and my progesterone was 53.7. According to the nurse I spoke to, the levels were good, and nothing else was said. I set up my 8 week appointment for September 27, and now it was a waiting game to get to that appointment. I couldn't wait.

I started getting morning sickness, or what I think was morning sickness. I had nausea, food aversions, and actually got sick a couple of times. I thought this was maybe happening early (it started when I was between 4 weeks and 5 weeks), but I was just happy it was happening because it was a cause of the baby inside of me.

All of our joy was short-lived. I started spotting on the night of 9/2, but I didn't have any cramping. So I figured it was normal - I know 1st trimester spotting is normal until it's accompanied by cramping. However, the next morning on September 3 at 4:30, the cramping started. It was very slight at first, so I figured I was still ok. I got up to go to the bathroom, and that's when I knew it was bad. My pink spotting had turned to red bleeding - similar to that of a light period. I knew that with my cramps and bleeding, I was most likely miscarrying. However, I still didn't want to believe it. So I climbed back into bed (I decided to forgo the gym that morning) and started crying myself to sleep. Matt woke up and wanted to know what was wrong. He knew I was spotting the night before, and I told him I was cramping now, and the bleeding was getting worse. He told me to try and stay calm, and maybe it's normal. He cuddled me, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up to get ready for work at 6:45, and my face was still wet. I guess I was crying in my sleep, and I was crying when I woke up. I told my boss what was happening, and she told me to stay home for now and call my doctor to get checked. I did, and got in for an ultrasound and appointment with the Midwife at 11:45. My boss told me to take the rest of the day off, so I laid in bed until I had to leave for my appointment.

Where I work, and therefore where my doctor is, is an hour and fifteen minutes away. I was so numb by this point because the cramping was getting worse, that I honestly can't say I remember the drive. I got to the office, and went in for the ultrasound. Being an ultrasound tech, I sometimes feel I know too much. I've always said whenever we got pregnant, I would know immediately if something was wrong by looking at the ultrasound. Well, I was right. I didn't see anything on the ultrasound - no embryo, no yolk sac, no gestational sac. I knew it was over. I lay there still while the sonographer finished my ultrasound, weeping. I do have to say she was great. She told me everything that was happening, and pretty much what she saw (or didn't see). I didn't tell her that I too was a sonographer, so I just played along with what she was telling me. But I already knew. That was the hardest part.

After my ultrasound, I waited to talk to the MW. It was the first time I met her, but she was so kind and compassionate. The first thing she said to me was "I'm so sorry we have to meet for the first time like this." She then went on to tell me what I already knew. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't stop crying. She wanted me to get blood work done that day, and then again the following Monday (3 days later) to check my beta's. She also said that my beta's were low to begin with, which was a surprise to me. I told her that the nurse originally told me the levels were good. She said she was sorry, but they seemed low for where I was at that time in the pregnancy, and she would have expected to see them higher. I was told that given those initial levels and the ultrasound, that I probably had a blighted ovum. Basically, it's a pregnancy where everything but the baby develops. The gestational sac still implants into your uterus, and the placenta forms. You still feel pregnant (hence the morning sickness I was having), but in the end, it's not a viable pregnancy.

The MW assured me that we could start trying again soon, but she advised us to wait for at least 2 cycles. She also said that I will NOT be considered high risk because of this, and many women go on to have normal pregnancies after having a miscarriage. What was most reassuring though, was that when we do get pregnant again, my beta's will be monitored early on to make sure they double like they're supposed to.

So I drove home, crying, and yet again, I don't remember that drive either. I got home, got into my PJ's, and laid in bed for the rest of the day - crying. I couldn't wait for my husband, my best friend, and the father of our lost baby to get home so we could hold each other.

So here I am, 4 days after losing our first pregnancy. I'm getting better. Day by day is what I say, and only time will heal. I still can't believe we're not pregnant anymore. The first day back to work (yesterday) was really hard. My boss told everyone at work for me on Friday so I wouldn't have to repeat myself (no one else at work knew I was pregnant). I was thankful for that.

I will end my first, disheartening post here. I will try to keep it up to date as often as possible. I think that this will be a good healing tool for me. But we will have to wait and see. Like I said, only time will heal. I am, however, looking brightly at the future, and I can't wait until Matt and I have our family.