Guilt

My miscarriage. Was is caused by the intense cardio workouts I did at the Aerobics Convention days before finding out I was pregnant? Or was it because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times? I knew enough to stay out of the hot tub while in Cape Cod because I know it's not good to raise your body temperature while pregnant. I did, however, sit on the edge of the hot tub and just put my legs in. Could that have done it? Or could it be that we didn't wait long enough after coming off of my NuvaRing? Maybe it's a culmination of everything. I still have an Ipod app that is still set to my original May 5, 2011 due date. I haven't removed the date. I'm not sure why. Today I would have been 17 weeks 4 days. I would be finding out what gender the baby would be, and be able to tell family for Christmas. I would have a cute baby bump. I would be almost feeling the baby kick. I would be wearing maternity clothes. But I'm not. And I can't help but think that it was something that I did wrong. I know it's an irrational thought, because these things happen, and for sometimes reasons unknown. But it's still a thought in my mind. All I know is that I can't wait to be pregnant again. I won't complain about the nausea, or the cramping, or weight gain. I won't complain about my clothes not fitting, or the heartburn. Or about being uncomfortable, or about my legs and feet swelling. I really want to be pregnant now. I really hope that this cycle will be it for us. I know I can't complain because we haven't been trying for that long at all, compared to several other couples. They can complain, but not me. But I still want this cycle to be it. I want that baby bump. I want to not be allowed to drink on New Years. Or on my birthday. I want our take-home baby. And I don't want to wait much longer.

Ok, vent over. Thanks for listening.