I never thought in a million years that it would take time for me to bond with my son, and have feelings for him. I also never thought that it would take me so long to recover, and be able to actually move around and do things normally again. I thought that with the bed rest and being taken out of work early, that something would have to go easy for me after he was born. Nope. Even breast feeding wasn't what I thought it would be (though it's going much better now), and add to that the infections I had and post-partum depression, it was not fun.
The idea of getting out of the house and running errands with Cael seemed like a figment of my imagination. The reason for this, is because I felt I needed to time and plan everything. But that too got much better after a few weeks. I learned that if I feed him right before we got out, even if it's to "top him off", he'll be good for at least 2 hours. Looking back now, at those first couple of weeks, I wish I knew then, what I know now. That it does get better, everything will fall into place, and to make sure to cherish all those moments when he was oh-so-tiny, because it does go by fast. Even with the complications and difficulties.
With all that being said, I couldn't be any happier with where I am right now. I love my son with all my heart, and then some. And I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world. Even if it meant trading it for a job and money. I'd rather be jobless, than not be a mother. He brings me such joy and happiness. I love seeing him smile at me in the morning when he wakes up, and sees me for the first time. I love how he laughs at the silly things I do. I love how he holds onto my finger. I love how he suckles at my breast when he eats, and how he cuddles into my chest. I love it all. All the bed rest, complications, depression, lack of sleep, ongoing dizziness, etc is all worth it. For Cael.
Motherhood is an ongoing battle, and an ongoing learning experience. It tests the limits of your mind and body. It forces you to be a better person, and most of all, it makes you open your heart up wider than it can ever go, and love more than you ever thought imaginable.
I love being a mother, and love this journey of Motherhood that I am now on.
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In other news
I had my appointment at the WIC center today. AND, I also got a phone call from NYS Unemployment yesterday. The employer representative confirmed what I told my NYS claim's representative, and NYS released my unemployment payments from the last 6 WEEKS! Do you know how helpful this will be?! It was supposed to be in our account today, but since it was only released yesterday, it can take up to 3 days to show up in your account. This couldn't have come at a better time. To be honest, we currently have $.32 in our bank. Yes, thirty-two cents. It is an absolutely horrible and disgusting feeling to feel poor. Especially when you're looking for a job.
Given the fact that my unemployment benefits have been reinstated, we no longer qualify for WIC. This is perfectly ok with us, because if we were given the choice, we'd rather have the money from my UI to pay bills, than have checks for food only. The money from my UI will be able to go towards food and bills.
Another good thing, is that Matt will now be able to get direct deposit of his pay check into our bank account. This is huge, because it means I no longer have to make weekly trips up to Binghamton, just to go to the bank. The money will be automatically put in there, which saves us tremendously on gas. I have to make the trip up there tomorrow, because the UI money isn't in there yet, and, obviously, we need the money. $.32 won't cut it for the next 2 days. But if that's the last time, or second to last time, that I have to drive up there for the bank only, I'm fine with it. Finally, things are getting better financially for us. For now, anyway.
Finally, Cael has reached a record for how many days he's gone without pooping. At 9am tomorrow morning, it will be exactly 7 days since the last time he pooped! Poor Cael. Although, he doesn't seem uncomfortable, or unhappy because of it. He's actually been doing really well the last 2 days. Including taking naps in his crib. Putting himself to sleep, nonetheless! Yesterday he took a 2.5 hour nap in the crib (woke up once, and fell back to sleep), and today, he took a nap for just under 1.5 hours. Matt was off today, so while Cael napped, he burned all the cardboard, and I took the tree down. We're so happy to have our living room back. We have so much more room now. But anyway, back to the lack of pooping. I'll be calling the pediatrician tomorrow morning to see if I should be worried about his lack of pooping, and if there is anything I have to do.
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