21 Weeks!! And More...

Well, actually 21 weeks 2 days - I'm a little late in the game this week. Between Easter and my computer not working (the fan must be broke, so my laptop overheats and turns off), I haven't had a chance to update my blog. And I feel like so much has happened. This will be a rather long post, but I will break it up into sections.

First, let's talk about the pregnancy! I am feeling Cael kick everyday, multiple times a day. It is the greatest feeling ever, mixed with being very weird. Also, Saturday for the first time (my 21 week mark), Matt and I were able to see Cael kick my belly. It is funny, amazing and odd all rolled up into a sweet package. I can sit and watch my belly forever now, knowing not only can I feel him inside, but now I can see a corresponding kick. And yesterday, for the first time ever, I was able to feel him kick my hand through my belly. I got so excited. Matt hasn't felt that yet, but if Cael is active tonight, then maybe he will. I got to my monthly OB appointment on Thursday, and I can't wait to hear his little heart beat again. Currently, according to the tracker, he is the size of a banana (from head to toe), so roughly 10.5" and 12-13 ounces. My little man is getting so big! And seeing and feeling him kick through my belly is a definite sign of that.

Second topic: The Chiropractor
So instead of re-writing a whole long spheal, I am just going to copy and paste what I wrote on The Bump. It will save so much time for me :) Here goes:

"I went to the Chiropractor yesterday, and I think it went rather well. However, it turns out I'm way worse than I thought I was, and I may have opened Pandora's Box. I went because I'm starting to have lower right back pain, right hip pain, and now neck pain. As it turns out, my Axis vertibrate (the spinal bone your head attaches to) is at a permanant 45 degree angle, and off to the side, which it shouldn't be. The Chiro said that it was the most impressive (worst) axis he's ever palpated. I also don't have a curve in my neck, and I should - it's a "strait neck", he called it. Great for me. Also, my right leg is between 1/4"-1/2" shorter than my left leg. Even better. He said he can't wait to XRay me to see really what the height difference is, and to see how severe my Axis is. Initially, my lower back was injured in a car accident in 2004, eventually got better, and is now getting worse. I never knew or thought that my neck was the most injured (which he thinks the rotation is due to the car accident/whiplash). So basically, my lower back pain and right hip pain can all be stemming from my neck, which he was impressed with - and not in a good way.
I was initally scared of the :::snap-pop-ugh::: "ok, you're adjusted now" Chiropractor, especially since I'm pregnant. But he's actually not like that, and doesn't believe in doing that. He says by doing that and adjusing someone, it can cause trauma and stress to the spine and nerves. And while yes, you may initally feel better after being adjusted, it doesn't actually fix the problem. He tries to promote a stree-free environment, which I like. He is more of a "holistic" wellness Chiropractor (which initially, I didn't want - I just wanted to be adjusted). So basically what he does, is small slight touches where he feels there is the most stress on the spine. He also said that almost all body systems and organs are linked to the spine and spinal cord. And a lot of the problems that I have and take medicine for (anxiety, depression, GERD-heartburn, asthma, allergies, hypersomnia), can most likely be solved by using this technique and relieving the stress on the nerves and retrainint the nerves that go to these organ systems.

Even more interesting, was that he used this thermography device to see if there is a temperature difference between the left and right side of spine. There shouldn't be a great difference, and I think he said anything more than a .75 degree difference between left and right is severe. So he rolled the device up my back, and the computer generated a heat diagram of my spine. Lo and behold, there was a moderate difference in my lower right back and neck, and a severe difference on my left mid-upper thoracic region. What's even more amazing is that the area where there was a severe difference, is where the nerves branch off the spine and affect the stomach, esophagus, liver, lungs and the difference in my neck can be affect things like mood and sleep (like anxiety, depression and my hypersomnia). Exactly all my other problems I'm having. Very cool and interesting.

Everything he said and explained made a lot of sense. I figure I have nothing to lose (but a copay) if it doesn't work. But I have a feeling that going to this Chiro is going to be a good thing. I never wanted to be on medication the rest of my life anyway, and if he can help me, that's even better. He said we have a lot to work on, so I'll be going probably twice a week at first to try and manage the pain. I hope it works out. :)"

Thirdly: I'm Rashy
So typically, I have eczema. No biggie - I've had it my whole life, and when it flares up weekly, I treat it with my prescription ointment. Well, last weekend (week ago weekend), I started getting another red area on the left side of my neck, and thought it was just another "hot spot" for my eczema. Long story short, by today, it's raised, bumpy, painful and crusty; Not like my eczema at all. I had an NP here look at it, and she said it looks like some kind of herpetic rash, and I should go to the doctor. I was finally able to get into my Dermatologist today (after calling twice), and it was confirmed what I thought - it's not my eczema. The NP said "nope, this is a whole other ball game." Great - just what I need. After looking at it, feeling it (with gloves on - and OUCH!), and having the actual MD come in and look at it, she did 2 cultures - 1 for bacterial (staph) and 1 for Herpes (HSV1). Wonderful. She thinks it could be a combination of both given the appearance, and the pain. Spectacular. So she gave me script for an antibacterial ointment, and told me I should have the culture results in a few days. She also had me call my OB office to let them know what is going on. Also because she doesn't know if it will affect the baby or not. Her guess is no, especially since the MD didn't get worked up, but she can't say for sure because she doesn't know OB. Perfect. Honestly, I'm not worried, but it's still in the back of my mind. I will update when I find out the results of the culture. :::Herpes on my neck? Really!?:::

And finally: My Mid-Pregnancy Crisis
Ok. So basically, I'm panicking. I'm stressing, and having major anxiety. And I think it's stemming from the fact that I'm now more than half-way through the pregnancy, and we have NO ROOM for Cael or anything for him. We have yet to start the construction on the apartment, which will give us another room and bathroom. Matt was going to do all the work himself (which includes putting up two walls with doors, replacing the two exterior doors with new doors that actually latch closed, and ripping up the carpet and laying new flooring down). But now he's flip-flopping between getting a contractor to do some of the work, like put the walls up and replace the doors, and Matt would do the rest of it, which is painting and layhing the flooring throughout the apartment. This is where we are disagreeing. I think having a contractor come in to do any of the work is going to cost us more than we can afford. We have the money for the supplies and materials we need, but I don't think we have it for a contractor too.

We got into an argument about it last night, which was my fault. At the dinner table with his family, the topic came up, and I pretty much talked about how I thought it was a waste of money, but Matt wants a contractor, and yada yada. Matt said I made him look like an asshole in front of his family, and that was never my intention. I wasn't talking down about him, but just that I didn't think we needed a contractor. I guess Matt is afraid of making a mistake (it's been a while since he's hung drywall), and he wants it done right. I honestly had no idea how I was making him feel at the table, but late last night, he let me know he was mad at me. It pretty much turned into me hysterically sobbing, and wanting to sleep on the couch. If I didn't eventually take a Unisom (after an hour of uncontrollable crying), I would have never fell asleep before midnight. I eventually cried myself into a slumber. I woke up feeling like crap this morning, and had 2 more melt downs at work.

It's not even the fight that I was upset about, because we didn't go to bed angry at each other. It's more the stress I'm feeling about not being ready for Cael. And I feel like it's not fair to him that we don't have the room for him now, and I can't set his nursery up. I know it will eventually happen, and we will have the apartment done, but I want it done now, or I feel it won't get done. I feel like I'm already a terrible mother because I conceived him without being entirely ready for everything that comes along with a baby. We aren't that bad off financially, but after I'm going to be out for 6 weeks at only 70% my pay for short-term disability, and then going back to work and having to pay daycare (which will leave me with pretty much 70% of my normal pay), I feel like we'll just make ends meet. And where does that leave the wiggle-room for the things that Cael needs? I feel like we won't be able to provide for him, and I feel like that is not fair to him. I grew up moving from apartment to apartment, and my mom did everything she could in her power to give me and my brother everything we needed and more. And I promised myself I would provide better for my own child than what I had growing up; which in my mind is a place of our own that is roomy and clean and open - which we don't have yet, and probably won't for a long time; a room of his own - which we're currently working on; and everything in between - clothes, toys, etc (all the extra stuff past protection and food - the necessities). And I feel like I have failed already.

I've been told that no one is ever ready for children financially. You'd be retired by the time you were ready for kids, and in this society today, even that is a stretch. Someone at work today told me that Cael doesn't need anything as a baby except for me and Matt. And that he can sleep in a dresser drawer, and he wouldn't know any better. And the only other thing he would need would be diapers and onesies. Yes, that's true, but I feel like that is only the bare minimum, and I want to be able to provide more than the minimum. I love my son more than I thought I ever could at this point, and I don't regret getting pregnant now at all, and not waiting. He is truly wanted, and I don't regret anything about my son. I just wish that Matt and I were better off, so that our son could have everything he ever wanted. And more. But I guess that will come with time and patience. I have to be a little more patient, and just wait and let everything fall into place.

:::You are loved so much Cael. Mommy and Daddy will give you everything we can, and I hope you love us back:::