In The Walker

I decided to assemble Cael's Adventure Walker today to see how he would like being in it. Turns out it's a bouncer as well, but after putting him in it, his feet don't touch the ground in the bouncer position. He stayed in it happily for a full 10 minutes before he started screaming. Turns out he was tired, because as soon as I took him out and snuggled him, he passed out. The cute thing is that he is too small for it, so I had to tuck blankets in the front, back and sides of him so that he wasn't wobbling around. He also loved the lights that were on it, and stared at them smiling. Finally - something that I can put him in so I can get some things done during the day without him crying (while supervising him, of course).

Here is my latest "craft", if you will. After we were discharged from the hospital, I collected all of the things related to Cael's birth, with the hopes that I would put together a shadowbox. Well, I finally bought a shadowbox frame, and during some time that Cael was asleep, I put it together. I'm very happy with how it turned out. However, I underestimated the size of the onesie we took him home in, and got a frame that was a little too small. But overall, it came out the way I wanted it to.

Weight Loss & Blood Work

105. That's my current weight. I have not been this light since high school. I dropped 13 pounds in about 2.5 weeks. I know that weight loss is common with breastfeeding, but I became concerned because of how much weight I've lost in so little time. I was 149 the week I delivered, meaning I've lost 44 pounds in 10 weeks. Right before I got pregnant, I was 123, so I'm currently 18 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight.

I called my midwife to find out if this was something I should be concerned over. She said that it was a considerable amount of weight that I lost, and that she was concerned my thyroid might be overactive. So she sent me for blood work. I also asked how much longer I need to take iron twice a day for. They want my hemoglobin to be normal for a little while before I stop it, so she also had my iron levels checked during the same blood work.

A few days later, and I got the results. Turns out my thyroid is perfectly normal, as is my iron! My iron was 12.6, so it's low-normal. But it's a big plus - my hemoglobin went from 6 to 12.6 in 10 weeks, all on my own, without a blood transfusion. Therefore, I only have to take my iron once a day, probably for the next few months. She wants me to follow up with my primary physician about the weight loss, and to also get my hemoglobin re-checked in a few months. I'm happy with that. So in the meantime, I will appreciate the weight loss I've been fortunately given, since nothing seems to be wrong.

10 Weeks Old!

Another week has gone by. My lil' man is 10 weeks old already, and I can't believe it. Last night was the first night we tried to have Cael sleep in his crib. And it went rather well; no different than any other night this past week. He was put down for bed at about 10:15 last night, and got up at 2:30am, 4:30am and 8:20am. I wish he would go back to sleeping through the night, but according to his pediatrician, sleeping through the night doesn't become consistent until about 4 months of age. So I got lucky from 6-8 weeks I guess.

I'm proud to announce that this past week I've been cooking dinner every night. I know - I should have told you to have a seat first, huh? So far, I've made spedini's, Shepherd's pie, crock pot lasagna, chicken cutlets, pork chops and Hawaiian pineapple chicken in the crock pot. Impressive, right? Well maybe not, but it's a huge step in the right direction for me, considering all I've made for my entire life is frozen or processed food. So I'm quite proud of myself. I also bought a new crock pot (5 qt) from Walmart for only $15. I've formed a whole new relationship with my new crock pot. It's so easy! I also fell in love with Pinterest, which is where I'm finding most of my recipes. It's so addictive! And helpful. Oh yea - Matt loves the new me, and having dinner when he gets home from work :). I'm loving this new stay-at-home-mom role that I'm in now.

Growing So Big!

Cael had his two-month pediatrician appointment on Thursday the 10th, at which he was weighed, measured and given his first vaccinations. It was a long, but very good appointment. Cael weighed in at 12 pounds 6 ounces and 24 inches long; 50th and 75-90th percentiles respectively. His head circumference came in at 16 inches, which, after checking charts online, is also at the 50th percentile. He's growing very well considering he is an exclusively breastfed baby. His doctor was very impressed with how much weight he's gained since his last appointment, and how well he's developing. He's right on target, which makes his Mommy proud :).

I asked about all the drooling and bubbling Cael has been doing, and wanted to know if he thought he was teething already. He said it's very unlikely, and most likely caused by his reflux. He wants Cael to keep getting his medication twice a day. After the pediatrician was done examining Cael and talking to me, he left the room, and the nurse came back in to administer his shots. It's smart that the doctor doesn't do it, this way Cael doesn't associate him with pain.

He got 3 shots and 1 oral vaccine. He (and I) did very well during the shots. I didn't get upset like I thought I would, and aside from screaming the instant the first shot was given, he calmed down almost as soon as I picked him up to comfort him. I know Cael's reaction is based off my reaction, so I didn't want to instill fear of shots into him. So after some quick snuggling from Mommy, I dressed him and we were on our way.

Now, no appointment is complete without an awkward and/or funny story. So here's mine. During the visit, the pediatrician was commenting about how much weight Cael has gained since his last appointment, and he's happy with his weight. There was a pause in our conversation as he went on to inspect Cael. He undid his diaper, and was checking his penis and everything else (I guess for a hernia or abnormalities), and this is the conversation that happened during this moment:

Pedi: So is your husband big?

Me: Uh, well, he's...(I pause, stunned at the question).
Pedi: Is your husband tall?
Me: OH! Yes, he's 6'1", and my dad was 6'5".

I totally thought that he was asking about Matt's penis size! At the same time, was wondering why he was asking me this, because I didn't think Cael was abnormally sized. What a great time to phrase a question like that!! I'm so happy I didn't answer the way I was going to, or I would have been more embarrassed! I'm not sure if he caught on to what I *thought* he was asking me. But if he did, he sure didn't show it, and definitely didn't skip a beat. Too funny, and way awkward on my part.

All in all, our lil' man is growing quite well, and I couldn't be happier. He's still struggling with spitting up and reflux, but I'm very thankful that is all he's dealing with. He goes back again in 2 months, when he's 4 months old, for his second round of shots. At least I'll know what to expect at that appointment. Unfortunately, it won't be with the same pediatrician. I really love his doctor, but my insurance is going to be cancelled the first of December, and he will then be considered out of network under Matt's plan. We'll be (hopefully) taking him to our primary doctor, whom we love dearly, but he's not a pediatrician, but a general practitioner. He's very good, but as much as I love him, I'm very fond of Cael's doctor. Oh well, it will all work out in the end.

As Cael is growing bigger, I'm shrinking. When I stepped on the scale on Tuesday, I was shocked to see I weighed 105! I have not been that light since high school! Even when I was going to the gym 5 days a week, I didn't get down that low. That's a total of 44 pounds I've lost since delivery, 18 pounds of which are below my pre-pregnancy weight. I felt this was an excessive amount given that I've been losing so much weight per week, so I called my midwife.

She's afraid my thyroid is now over-active, so she sent me for blood work to check it. She also had my iron checked at the same time to see where that is at. I'm still taking iron twice a day, and I want to know when I can stop it. However, they don't want me to stop it unless my hemoglobin is back to normal levels. I should find out the results either Monday or Tuesday, and may even have an appointment with her depending on the results. If my thyroid is normal, then I definitely have to go in to see if we can figure out why I'm losing so much weight. I'm eating normally, and not doing anything different in my daily routine. So we shall see. I welcome being this light, as long as everything is ok. My fear, though, is that I will gain a lot back when I stop breastfeeding. We shall see.

9 Weeks, And It's Official...

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. After consulting a lawyer about 2 weeks ago near my previous employer, it turns out that they were in their legal right to give my job away. I'm not sure how that's entirely fair, but it is what it is. I've also applied to a hospital near my home (not sure if I mentioned this previously), but unfortunately, they're looking for an RVT tech for a vascular lab - which I'm not. That's the only board I failed, and I didn't re-take it because I really don't enjoy doing just vascular exams. They may be hiring for per diem in the near future, but nothing is definite yet.

So, I guess I'll be staying home with Cael full-time. Although it's a shitty situation that I've been put into, I do appreciate the time that I'm getting with Cael. I'm not sure if we're going to have another child, so I think it's important to spend as much time with Cael as possible. I don't want to miss any milestones.

Speaking of which, Cael has been social smiling a lot more in response to Matt and I talking to him. And you can tell that he's trying to laugh, because he makes this gasp-like noise with a smile. I'm sure he'll be laughing before we know it!

Cael goes for his 2 month shots on Thursday. Matt can't get off work, so I'll be going alone. This is fine, as I've become more comfortable taking Cael out with just me, but it's going to be so hard watching him get his shots. From what I've heard from others, his 2 month vaccinations consist of 3 injections and 1 oral vaccine. I may be thinking stupid right now, but I hope the oral vaccine is just a liquid he has to drink, and not an injection. It's probably the former, but I can't help but worry.

I think Cael is going through a growth spurt at 9 weeks. He was sleeping through the night from about 6 weeks on, until about 4 nights ago. Instead of sleeping 10pm to 5:30am like he was doing, he now gets up to eat at around 1 or 2am, and then again at around 5am and again at 7:30ish am. I really can't complain though, because I don't think he went through major growth spurts at 3 and 6 weeks like he was suppose to. I just hope it's a growth spurt, and he returns to sleeping through the night soon. I became quite accustomed to the big chunk of sleep I was getting.

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8 Weeks!!

Every week seems to go by faster and faster. I can't believe he's 8 weeks already! And he's developing so quickly too. He's holding his head up already. And he's also drooling a ton! I hope he's not teething already :(

I've lost a ton of weight, too. The last time I checked my weight, I was 112. I was 123 before I got pregnant and 149 before I delivered. That's a total of 37 pounds lost from delivery! I call it the breastfeeding diet :). Here is my 8 week postpartum belly, compared to when I was pregnant.

First Trick Or Treat

My little man went as a Sweet Pea Pod. We went trick or treating with Laureen, Maggie and Erin in town. We only stayed out for about 40 minutes because it was chilly, and I didn't get any candy, but I'm glad that I was able to take him.

We Have A Sleeper!!

Bath, eat, sleep, sleep and sleep. Although I fear jinxing it, I'll still talk about it because I'm so proud of Cael. That is our new night time routine, and I love it. With the help of my mom over the last week and half, we started a bedtime routine that has seemed to stuck. At around 9, I give him a bath, which he LOVES! He cried a few times when I took him out of the bath. Then after he's dried, lotioned and dressed, it's time for his night time feeding, which is usually around 9:15-9:30. After he's eaten, burped and has sit up for a half hour, it's time for bed.

Up until last night, I would let him fall asleep on my chest, then put him in the SnuggleNest where he would stay asleep. However, last night, my mom suggested just laying him down in the SN while still awake, to just see what he would do. Well, wouldn't you know - he fell asleep on his own! And the best part? He slept from 9:45pm to 5:30am!!! Strait through, without waking up. That's 7.5 hours. We did the same thing tonight, and he's out - hopefully until the morning. I'm so happy and proud of him. But my boobs have to get used to it. After Cael going 8 hours between feedings last night, my boobs were screaming when he woke up. And leaking.

For the past week, he's slept at least 6 hours strait. This is a marvelous routine, because it means Matt and I can go to bed at the same time, which is something that has rarely happened since Cael was born. I'm really looking forward to that.

7 Weeks!

I can't believe my little man is 7 weeks old! The time is just flying by, and it honestly upsets me. He's been out of newborn sized clothes for a while now, and in 0-3 months. But now his 0-3 size onesies are getting a little snug. :( So very sad. I also weighed him again this weekend (this time naked), and the scale said 11.4 pounds. Last week, it said 11.6 pounds, so I don't know what that's about. I guess he hasn't gained any weight in a week, but I think that's ok. I've also lost some more weight. I'm down to 112!! I haven't been this light since over a year ago, when I was going to the gym. And just 2 days before I weighed in at 112, I was 114. I wonder why I'm losing so much. I'm eating 3 meals a day. Maybe it's the breastfeeding.

Cael has had some "milestones" this last week. On Tuesday, October 18, Cael discovered he has a tongue. He started playing with it in his mouth, flipping it around and sticking it out. The faces he makes when he plays with his tongue are so cute! Then on Sunday, October 23rd, Cael figured out that he has a fist and thumb to suck on! So far, he's only gagged himself once by putting his thumb too far down his throat. But the sucking noises he makes are so stinking cute!

This past weekend, we took Cael pumpkin picking for the first time. I walked around with him in the carrier. It was a little windy and chilly, but Cael was nice and bundled up. We had a lot of fun, going with mom and all my siblings. It was a nice family outing. And then yesterday, we carved pumpkins. I carved out "Cael's 1st Halloween", and I have to admit, it came out pretty darn awesome! It's been a really nice week down on Long Island with my family, but I'm really missing Matt by now. Cael and I will be heading back home on Thursday, and I can't wait to get a big hug from Matt.

Why Are You Here!?

So after some pretty obnoxious cramping Tuesday while at the mall with my mom, I think I started my first postpartum period yesterday. At 6 weeks 3 days postpartum. Why!? Can't I catch any type of postpartum break? I'm exclusively breastfeeding, so I thought it might stay away for longer than it did. My mom said with my other siblings, whom were breastfed, it was months and months before she got hers back. Oh well, luck of the draw I guess. It isn't that bad, luckily. It's been really light and sporadic, so not too bad. I just sucks to get it.

Which brings up another topic - birth control. I had planned on getting the Paragard (non-hormonal IUD), but my current insurance doesn't cover it. So I figured I would go to Planned Parenthood to get it cheaper, but no-can-do. Not at $600 out of pocket! That's way too expensive for us. So for now, condoms it shall be. Hopefully when we drop my current insurance and go under Matt's, his will cover it.

6 Weeks!

I went ahead and canceled Cael's daycare spot that we've had reserved since I was 9 weeks pregnant. It's official - I definitely won't be returning to my previous employment. I got a message on Monday from a co-worker that only said, "We have a box of your things. Do you want to come pick it up?". That's it - nothing asking how I'm doing, or how Cael is, or that they miss me. These were the people that I cared about and thought cared about me. I considered these people my "second family". I'm pretty sure I'm seeing it for how it is, and not reading into it deeper than it is. Oh well - I guess it's best that I don't return there. But Matt and I will definitely be consulting a lawyer to see if what they did to me is fair or not.

On another note, at pretty much the same time that I found out that they're not offering me another position, a position opened up at a local hospital - only a few miles from my house. That would truly be ideal if I could work there. So I applied for that position on Monday, and we'll see what happens. I'd also have to look into a local daycare, and see if there are even any spots open for an 8 week old. I know a lot of daycare's have waiting lists for very young infants. I really do want to stay home with Cael full-time, but realistically, we'd be in a financial bind if I didn't work. Staying home would allow me to exclusively breastfeed, and I'd be able to be there for all of Cael's major milestones. But who knows if I'll still be "forced" to stay home - I may not even get that job.

I can't believe that Cael is 6 weeks old already! It's just flying by so fast. My mom and I (yes, I'm on Long Island again for another week) weighed him yesterday, and there was a difference of 11.6 pounds between my weight and our combined weight. I can't believe how fast he's gaining weight! He's also 23 inches long. According to an app on my phone, he's around the 85th percentile for length, and the 50th percentile for weight. Unreal! We also had to remove the infant head support insert in his car seat, because he looked like a sardine with it in. It was just last week that I removed the additional newborn supports, and now I removed the rest of it. It's just an "empty" car seat now, with no additional cushions. So I roll up a blanket and put it up around his head, because his head can now flop around without the insert in it. It makes me feel better, anyway.

My postpartum depression is also getting better now, with the help of my medications. I'm not sure if I previously wrote about this or not, but I had a big allergic reaction to the Zoloft I was put on, and broke out in a horribly itchy rash all over my body. I dealt with it for 2 weeks until I had my 6 week pp appointment last Tuesday. I was then switched back onto Celexa. So currently, I'm on both Wellbutrin and Celexa, and I believe I'll be on both for 6 months.

I feel so much better too. I can honestly say that I'm head over heels in love with Cael, and I think I've bonded and connected with him. I don't have those horrible feelings towards him anymore. I love him so much, and couldn't imagine my life without him. Sure, my life is now changed forever - my body will never be the same, I probably will never buy things for myself that I don't need, I'll never get a full nights' sleep again, and I've lost my job - but it's all worth it for my son.

Here is my Lil' Man at 6 weeks old. And another picture of the 2 of us enjoying the Fall weather on Long Island.

:::My life has forever changed for the better because of *You*:::

1 Month Old!

I can't believe that a month has gone by already (longer at this point)! Cael has been growing by leaps and bounds, gaining weight like crazy and eating like crazy. At this rate, the pediatrician says he's gaining about 1.5 ounces a day. That's a lot!!

He's also holding his head up on his own for an extended amount of time. And about a week and a half ago, he smiled at me after I was talking to him. Although he has a lot of fussy times, especially during the day, he's slept for at least 4.5 hours strait during the night. And that makes me very happy, because I get to sleep too :)

I also figured I'd share my 4 week postpartum belly. At this point, I've lost a total of 33 pounds, and I only gained 26 pounds during the pregnancy.

Wow, Time Flies!

I realized today that I haven't written a blog entry in a while. What can I say? I've been busy with a newborn! :) I did have plans to keep up with the weekly updates about Cael's milestones and growth, but it really has been time consuming caring for a newborn.

A lot has gone on since my last entry. Cael had his third weight check, and my little porker gained 11 ounces in 7 days, bringing his weight at that time up to 9 pounds 1 ounce. That was on September 29th. I did, however, step on a scale with and without him, and this past Thursday (a week ago tomorrow), he weighed about 10 pounds 6 ounces!! I can't believe how quickly he's growing. It's going by so fast.

I do have to say, it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows. In fact, it's been the opposite of that until most recently. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after Matt called my midwife and spoke to her. He didn't like how I was feeling, and what I was doing (or rather, wasn't doing). It was really rough. I honestly wanted to throw Cael through a wall, and I feel terrible both saying and writing that (don't worry I didn't, and I no longer feel that way). To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to be arrested and go to jail. Real sad and disgusting, right?

I also admitted that I didn't feel a connection with Cael at all. Of course I loved him because he's my son. But that instant and immediate love and bond that you so often hear about, I didn't feel. I feel guilty saying that, and it took almost the whole hour I spent with my midwife to admit that to her. How do you tell someone that you don't love your own child? But apparently it's completely normal to feel that way, and it does in fact take time to develop that connection and bond with your child. I felt a lot better after she told me that. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, and it was a horrible feeling.

She said everything I expressed to her was classic PPD, and she prescribed me Zoloft to take in addition to the Wellbutrin I've been on since 30 weeks pregnant. She also told me that she wanted me to see a therapist. I have yet to do that, and probably won't. The idea alone of seeing one stressed me out even more. I would have to figure out what to do with Cael, I'd have to drive up to Binghamton once a week, etc. So I decided against that, especially since the medicine seems to be working.

But with taking the Zoloft, I learned that I'm allergic to it. I currently have a horrible rash covering my breasts and chest, arms, legs and stomach. It started out as a small rash on my chest, then spread to the rest of my breasts, upper arms, lower arms, and then showed up on my legs and stomach. Because of this, I was switched back to Celexa yesterday after my official 6 week PP visit. I also learned my hemoglobin has gone up to 10.6, I think it was. Still a ways from normal (13), but it's going up. I currently don't have any more appointments with my midwife, and it made me really sad after she gave me a big hug, and left the exam room. She is truly the greatest provider I've ever had.

I've also recently spent a whole week on Long Island with my mom and family. I just got back on Monday (2 days ago). It was the most relaxing and stress-free week I've ever had on Long Island. I didn't have my car, so I didn't have to go anywhere; everyone came to me! That was a nice change. My mom also helped out so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She would stay up to burp him after I fed him, so that I could go right back to sleep during the night. She loved every minute of it though. How could she not? She got a whole week with her grandson. I'm going back down on Sunday for another week. It's nice because my mom will pick me up, and drop me off - like she did last week.

Ah - now onto the biggest news and my greatest stress of the moment. :::drumroll, please::: I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will repeat myself. I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will try to keep this as brief as possible, because I'm sure that I can go on and on about it.

Basically, here's the scoop. Because I was out on bed rest at 30 weeks, and have been out of work since then, I used up the 12 weeks I'm allowed under FMLA when Cael was 2 weeks old. At that point, I still had about 6 weeks of maternity leave left. Because my 12 weeks were up, I was informed that my job would be posted. Ok, that's fine and dandy. When I talked to my supervisor, we weren't even sure if anyone would apply for the job. Posting it was more of a "formality". That is, until I learned on Tuesday that my job was given to someone else.

Ten working days. That's the difference in time between when I would have returned after 6 weeks, versus when I would have returned after 8 weeks of leave. And the new person is starting on the day that I would have returned to work after 6 weeks. Real nice, huh? It's hard to not feel stabbed in the back, especially when I was told that I was "still considered part of the team."

I understand that FMLA only guarantees my job for 12 weeks, and after that it's up for grabs. But at the same time, they didn't have to post my job. Especially if they knew I had every intention of returning. I even had a daycare spot guaranteed for Cael when I was 9 weeks pregnant!!

After I heard this, Matt and I sat down and figured out our finances. We were trying to figure out if I'd be able to stay home with Cael, or if I should try to find another position - whether at Lourdes in another department, or at another facility all together. We figured out that if I were to return to Lourdes at the same pay rate, and have to pay the $630 a month for daycare and roughly $300 a month for gas, it wouldn't be worth it for what I'd be bringing home every 2 weeks. I would essentially be working to pay for gas and daycare. Therefore, Matt and I decided it would be better if I stayed home with Cael, and Matt possibly get a second job.

If I had the choice, I would prefer to stay home with Cael full-time. However, if my good credit was at risk, and if I would default on loans, I would rather work to pay for them. I love the idea of staying home, but I don't like how I was forced into this situation because my job was given away. But I'll stop venting here before I write something that I may regret.

First Outing With Cael

It started out fine, but ended in disaster, and me swearing I was never going to go shopping with Cael solo again. We needed more newborn size diapers, so I figured I would attempt a shopping trip to the new Super Walmart that just opened in our town. It took me a lot of motivation to actually get up and get going - from 12pm to 3pm - but I finally made it out. I've been having a hard time adjusting to motherhood; it's way more intense and overwhelming than I ever thought it would be. But that's for another post.

So I fed and changed Cael, put him in the car seat, grabbed the diaper bag and I was out the door. This was also the first time I've driven since delivery. It was raining when I left, but I figured no big deal. Well, when I got to Walmart, there was no close parking, so I had to park far away, and lug his car seat all the way into Walmart to grab a dry cart. Not to mention I made the horrible decision to wear flip flops out, so my feet were soaked.

I grabbed a cart, and I put him in the big part of the cart. I recently heard of a news story where a 3 month old died because their car seat, which was in the front part of the cart near the handle, fell off the cart, and caused a lot of trauma to the baby. For this reason, I put him in the basket part.

The excursion started off well. Cael was awake the whole time, but content and didn't say a peep. I grabbed the baby stuff I needed, and decided that since he was being so good, I would grab some food-related items, since we were pretty much out of food at home. By the time I was almost down to the last aisle, Cael started to fuss, and eventually cry. I got on line to checkout, and Cael was screaming at this point.

I had piled everything around Cael's car seat, and didn't really think about where I would put the bags once everything was packed. I go to put the two jars of sauce on the conveyor, and **smash** I drop a jar on the floor. It shatters, and sauce and glass go everywhere, including on my pant legs and feet - remember, I wore flip flops. I kind of freeze for a second, and take in what just happened. I've never dropped anything breakable on the floor in a food store before. I guess there's a first time for everything. But how embarrassing.

I apologized profusely, and mentioned, "Of course this would happen on my first trip out with the baby." Mind you, Cael is still screaming. And then I start crying. The lady in front of my feels bad for me, and tells me these things happen, and to not worry about it. She then goes on to help me unload the rest of my cart onto the conveyor. She was so sweet and helpful, and I am so thankful that she was so kind.

I finally get through the line and checked out (while they are cleaning up the saucy mess) - and I don't even know how much I spent; I just swiped my card and signed. I get to the exit, and it is POURING out. Of course it is. At least I have a cart to push everything the distance to the car this time. I get Cael into the car, and load the bags into the car, and am so ready to get home. HOWEVER, it turns out that the road out of the parking lot is FILLED with traffic, so I didn't move from my spot in the line for about 10 minutes.

I finally get home, and Cael wants to eat again. I put away the cold stuff, and leave the rest on the floor for Matt to put away when I get home. It was an absolutely horrible and exhausting trip out.

Here is a picture of Cael surrounded by groceries, screaming his head off. You'll notice at this time, there are TWO jars of sauce in the cart to the left. Yea, I only left with one.