Johnny Appleseed

I've been meaning to write this for over a month and half now. Back in June, Matt and I were talking about tattoo's that we wanted to get for Cael. I want to get a very simple tattoo of Cael's name in a nice script on my left wrist. I also wanted to get something to signify Johnny Appleseed's memory. So I thought of maybe getting an appleseed at the end of the "L" in Cael's name. I didn't know what Matt would think of that, and I actually thought that he'd put the idea down, saying "Why would you want to do that for". So I put off telling him my idea for a while. Well, apparently, I don't know my husband very well. I wanted to tell him my idea, so I prefaced the conversation, saying "Please don't tease me, or make fun of this idea." {Please don't interpret this the wrong way. Matt never makes fun of me really. He's just not a sentimental guy, and doesn't get attached to things very easily.}

So I told him my idea, and I was pleasantly surprised when he told me he thought it was a great idea. He said, "Why would I make fun of you for that?" He knows how much that pregnancy and miscarriage affected me, and he knows how I am, so he said it would be great. I was so happy. He said he was also thinking of doing something similar in his tattoo for Cael, which really shocked me. I know he was affected by the miscarriage, but he's hard to read in situations like that. I know he was trying to remain strong for me, but at the same time, he doesn't get attached to anything. So, although he was upset with the miscarriage, he knew I was more upset.

Our conversation after the tattoos took another shocking turn. Matt came out and admitted to me that, if our second pregnancy (Cael) ended in a miscarriage, he wouldn't want us to try again for a long time. I didn't understand why. At the same time, I don't know how I would have felt if it did end in miscarriage, but I didn't really think Matt thought too much about it. I guess I was wrong. I asked him why, and he explained. He told me that even though he was upset about losing the pregnancy, he saw how much the first miscarriage affected me, that if we had to go through it a second time, he would want to take a long break at trying so that I could heal. He cared so much about me, and saw how detrimental it was to me, that he didn't want us to go through it again. I was stunned, and as funny as it sounds, it made me love him even more than I did before. Matt doesn't often show his "emotional" side, so when he does, it allows me to look deeper into his soul, and fall in love with parts of him that I don't normally see. Corny, I know. But it's the truth.