Twelve Weeks Old

I can't believe that Cael will be 3 months old next week. It completely and utterly boggles my mind. He's still sleeping through the night (thankfully!), and is getting bigger each day before my very eyes. He has been having more fussy moments during the day, but is quite happy and content in the morning when we wake up for the day. He is holding his head up higher and higher every time he does Tummy Time, although he usually screams through it. He apparently doesn't like Tummy Time very much.

I also got him to laugh today. It wasn't a chuckle, or a belly-laugh, but it was more than an inward gasp-type laugh that he usually does. I had him on the changing table, and was talking all funny to him, and tickling him from the belly up to the neck. It was the cutest ever, and made me fall even more in love with him. :)

I'm hoping we can get our tree up this week. We straitened up the living room, and now have a spot for the tree, but Matt says it's too early because it's not even December yet. It's funny - last year, I didn't even want to put the tree up until a week before Christmas, and we took it down the day after. Now, I want it up as soon as possible. I guess it has to do with Cael. I can't wait to take his holiday pictures with the tree in the background. Speaking of which, I'm hoping that Matt can get home from work early tomorrow so that we can get Cael's picture taken with Santa. I'm so excited about that, and I hope he doesn't cry

On another note, I think I'll be getting my second postpartum period soon. I had some pretty bad cramping yesterday/last night, and went to bed nauseous. I also had very light spotting last night, but nothing so far today. The last time I had cramping like that (6 weeks pp), I ended up getting what I think is my first pp period. I'm kind of frustrated because I thought it would stay away since I'm breastfeeding. But I guess that's not always the case. And my cycles were weird before getting pregnant, so I guess I should expect them to be irregular, and even more weird, after giving birth.

And speaking of breastfeeding, Cael is now refusing a bottle. He hasn't had one since 6 or 7 weeks old (oops), and now he won't take one at 12 weeks old. I guess I waited so long. I can't believe that much time has passed since I've been to my moms. That's where he got his last bottle. My sister fed it to him. I guess I didn't realize he hadn't had a bottle in that long, and now I hope he doesn't refuse it forever. It'd be nice to be able to get out in the future without Cael, and leave him with breast milk. Matt tried last night, and all Cael would do is scream. Then I tried again today - 3 times - and all he wanted was the boob. I even slipped my boob out of his mouth, and quickly slipped the bottle in. He was too smart for that, and caught on right away and instantly started screaming. He knew better, and wasn't having it. I'll have to try again tomorrow, maybe before he gets too hungry and starts crying. I really hope I can get him to take a bottle, or I've been pumping the last few nights for nothing.

Finally, let's talk about sex. Matt and I finally decided to try the deed at 11 weeks pp. Let's just say, it didn't work out too well. It was ok at first (I guess). But after about 5 minutes, it went downhill. First off, I couldn't get the damn condom box open - stupid plastic wrapper. Then, Matt had me put it on, but I couldn't remember how to put one on. Duh! We then used lube, and it was ok for a few minutes, until it felt like I was having sex with a box cutter. It really became uncomfortable and was burning towards the back, where I had tore. I know I'm healed and my stitches have been gone for a while now, but I guess it's just still sensitive. I, of course, got really upset because I felt like a failure, and couldn't be intimate with Matt. So we had to stop, and I ended up just doing Matt (I didn't want to leave him hanging).

I think I ended up crying myself to sleep, and thinking that I was going to join a convent, and never have sex again. I feel bad, but I just don't have the drive or desire that I had before. I wasn't crazy before, but now it's just nonexistent. I don't think I would mind if I never had sex again (Shh, don't tell Matt I said that). But that's silly talk and unrealistic, so hopefully we'll try again soon, and it won't be so bad. I just can't wait until I can get an IUD so we don't have to use condoms.