We Have A Sleeper!!

Bath, eat, sleep, sleep and sleep. Although I fear jinxing it, I'll still talk about it because I'm so proud of Cael. That is our new night time routine, and I love it. With the help of my mom over the last week and half, we started a bedtime routine that has seemed to stuck. At around 9, I give him a bath, which he LOVES! He cried a few times when I took him out of the bath. Then after he's dried, lotioned and dressed, it's time for his night time feeding, which is usually around 9:15-9:30. After he's eaten, burped and has sit up for a half hour, it's time for bed.

Up until last night, I would let him fall asleep on my chest, then put him in the SnuggleNest where he would stay asleep. However, last night, my mom suggested just laying him down in the SN while still awake, to just see what he would do. Well, wouldn't you know - he fell asleep on his own! And the best part? He slept from 9:45pm to 5:30am!!! Strait through, without waking up. That's 7.5 hours. We did the same thing tonight, and he's out - hopefully until the morning. I'm so happy and proud of him. But my boobs have to get used to it. After Cael going 8 hours between feedings last night, my boobs were screaming when he woke up. And leaking.

For the past week, he's slept at least 6 hours strait. This is a marvelous routine, because it means Matt and I can go to bed at the same time, which is something that has rarely happened since Cael was born. I'm really looking forward to that.

7 Weeks!

I can't believe my little man is 7 weeks old! The time is just flying by, and it honestly upsets me. He's been out of newborn sized clothes for a while now, and in 0-3 months. But now his 0-3 size onesies are getting a little snug. :( So very sad. I also weighed him again this weekend (this time naked), and the scale said 11.4 pounds. Last week, it said 11.6 pounds, so I don't know what that's about. I guess he hasn't gained any weight in a week, but I think that's ok. I've also lost some more weight. I'm down to 112!! I haven't been this light since over a year ago, when I was going to the gym. And just 2 days before I weighed in at 112, I was 114. I wonder why I'm losing so much. I'm eating 3 meals a day. Maybe it's the breastfeeding.

Cael has had some "milestones" this last week. On Tuesday, October 18, Cael discovered he has a tongue. He started playing with it in his mouth, flipping it around and sticking it out. The faces he makes when he plays with his tongue are so cute! Then on Sunday, October 23rd, Cael figured out that he has a fist and thumb to suck on! So far, he's only gagged himself once by putting his thumb too far down his throat. But the sucking noises he makes are so stinking cute!

This past weekend, we took Cael pumpkin picking for the first time. I walked around with him in the carrier. It was a little windy and chilly, but Cael was nice and bundled up. We had a lot of fun, going with mom and all my siblings. It was a nice family outing. And then yesterday, we carved pumpkins. I carved out "Cael's 1st Halloween", and I have to admit, it came out pretty darn awesome! It's been a really nice week down on Long Island with my family, but I'm really missing Matt by now. Cael and I will be heading back home on Thursday, and I can't wait to get a big hug from Matt.

Why Are You Here!?

So after some pretty obnoxious cramping Tuesday while at the mall with my mom, I think I started my first postpartum period yesterday. At 6 weeks 3 days postpartum. Why!? Can't I catch any type of postpartum break? I'm exclusively breastfeeding, so I thought it might stay away for longer than it did. My mom said with my other siblings, whom were breastfed, it was months and months before she got hers back. Oh well, luck of the draw I guess. It isn't that bad, luckily. It's been really light and sporadic, so not too bad. I just sucks to get it.

Which brings up another topic - birth control. I had planned on getting the Paragard (non-hormonal IUD), but my current insurance doesn't cover it. So I figured I would go to Planned Parenthood to get it cheaper, but no-can-do. Not at $600 out of pocket! That's way too expensive for us. So for now, condoms it shall be. Hopefully when we drop my current insurance and go under Matt's, his will cover it.

6 Weeks!

I went ahead and canceled Cael's daycare spot that we've had reserved since I was 9 weeks pregnant. It's official - I definitely won't be returning to my previous employment. I got a message on Monday from a co-worker that only said, "We have a box of your things. Do you want to come pick it up?". That's it - nothing asking how I'm doing, or how Cael is, or that they miss me. These were the people that I cared about and thought cared about me. I considered these people my "second family". I'm pretty sure I'm seeing it for how it is, and not reading into it deeper than it is. Oh well - I guess it's best that I don't return there. But Matt and I will definitely be consulting a lawyer to see if what they did to me is fair or not.

On another note, at pretty much the same time that I found out that they're not offering me another position, a position opened up at a local hospital - only a few miles from my house. That would truly be ideal if I could work there. So I applied for that position on Monday, and we'll see what happens. I'd also have to look into a local daycare, and see if there are even any spots open for an 8 week old. I know a lot of daycare's have waiting lists for very young infants. I really do want to stay home with Cael full-time, but realistically, we'd be in a financial bind if I didn't work. Staying home would allow me to exclusively breastfeed, and I'd be able to be there for all of Cael's major milestones. But who knows if I'll still be "forced" to stay home - I may not even get that job.

I can't believe that Cael is 6 weeks old already! It's just flying by so fast. My mom and I (yes, I'm on Long Island again for another week) weighed him yesterday, and there was a difference of 11.6 pounds between my weight and our combined weight. I can't believe how fast he's gaining weight! He's also 23 inches long. According to an app on my phone, he's around the 85th percentile for length, and the 50th percentile for weight. Unreal! We also had to remove the infant head support insert in his car seat, because he looked like a sardine with it in. It was just last week that I removed the additional newborn supports, and now I removed the rest of it. It's just an "empty" car seat now, with no additional cushions. So I roll up a blanket and put it up around his head, because his head can now flop around without the insert in it. It makes me feel better, anyway.

My postpartum depression is also getting better now, with the help of my medications. I'm not sure if I previously wrote about this or not, but I had a big allergic reaction to the Zoloft I was put on, and broke out in a horribly itchy rash all over my body. I dealt with it for 2 weeks until I had my 6 week pp appointment last Tuesday. I was then switched back onto Celexa. So currently, I'm on both Wellbutrin and Celexa, and I believe I'll be on both for 6 months.

I feel so much better too. I can honestly say that I'm head over heels in love with Cael, and I think I've bonded and connected with him. I don't have those horrible feelings towards him anymore. I love him so much, and couldn't imagine my life without him. Sure, my life is now changed forever - my body will never be the same, I probably will never buy things for myself that I don't need, I'll never get a full nights' sleep again, and I've lost my job - but it's all worth it for my son.

Here is my Lil' Man at 6 weeks old. And another picture of the 2 of us enjoying the Fall weather on Long Island.

:::My life has forever changed for the better because of *You*:::

1 Month Old!

I can't believe that a month has gone by already (longer at this point)! Cael has been growing by leaps and bounds, gaining weight like crazy and eating like crazy. At this rate, the pediatrician says he's gaining about 1.5 ounces a day. That's a lot!!

He's also holding his head up on his own for an extended amount of time. And about a week and a half ago, he smiled at me after I was talking to him. Although he has a lot of fussy times, especially during the day, he's slept for at least 4.5 hours strait during the night. And that makes me very happy, because I get to sleep too :)

I also figured I'd share my 4 week postpartum belly. At this point, I've lost a total of 33 pounds, and I only gained 26 pounds during the pregnancy.

Wow, Time Flies!

I realized today that I haven't written a blog entry in a while. What can I say? I've been busy with a newborn! :) I did have plans to keep up with the weekly updates about Cael's milestones and growth, but it really has been time consuming caring for a newborn.

A lot has gone on since my last entry. Cael had his third weight check, and my little porker gained 11 ounces in 7 days, bringing his weight at that time up to 9 pounds 1 ounce. That was on September 29th. I did, however, step on a scale with and without him, and this past Thursday (a week ago tomorrow), he weighed about 10 pounds 6 ounces!! I can't believe how quickly he's growing. It's going by so fast.

I do have to say, it hasn't all been puppies and rainbows. In fact, it's been the opposite of that until most recently. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after Matt called my midwife and spoke to her. He didn't like how I was feeling, and what I was doing (or rather, wasn't doing). It was really rough. I honestly wanted to throw Cael through a wall, and I feel terrible both saying and writing that (don't worry I didn't, and I no longer feel that way). To be honest, the only thing that stopped me was that I didn't want to be arrested and go to jail. Real sad and disgusting, right?

I also admitted that I didn't feel a connection with Cael at all. Of course I loved him because he's my son. But that instant and immediate love and bond that you so often hear about, I didn't feel. I feel guilty saying that, and it took almost the whole hour I spent with my midwife to admit that to her. How do you tell someone that you don't love your own child? But apparently it's completely normal to feel that way, and it does in fact take time to develop that connection and bond with your child. I felt a lot better after she told me that. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, and it was a horrible feeling.

She said everything I expressed to her was classic PPD, and she prescribed me Zoloft to take in addition to the Wellbutrin I've been on since 30 weeks pregnant. She also told me that she wanted me to see a therapist. I have yet to do that, and probably won't. The idea alone of seeing one stressed me out even more. I would have to figure out what to do with Cael, I'd have to drive up to Binghamton once a week, etc. So I decided against that, especially since the medicine seems to be working.

But with taking the Zoloft, I learned that I'm allergic to it. I currently have a horrible rash covering my breasts and chest, arms, legs and stomach. It started out as a small rash on my chest, then spread to the rest of my breasts, upper arms, lower arms, and then showed up on my legs and stomach. Because of this, I was switched back to Celexa yesterday after my official 6 week PP visit. I also learned my hemoglobin has gone up to 10.6, I think it was. Still a ways from normal (13), but it's going up. I currently don't have any more appointments with my midwife, and it made me really sad after she gave me a big hug, and left the exam room. She is truly the greatest provider I've ever had.

I've also recently spent a whole week on Long Island with my mom and family. I just got back on Monday (2 days ago). It was the most relaxing and stress-free week I've ever had on Long Island. I didn't have my car, so I didn't have to go anywhere; everyone came to me! That was a nice change. My mom also helped out so much, and I'm so thankful for her. She would stay up to burp him after I fed him, so that I could go right back to sleep during the night. She loved every minute of it though. How could she not? She got a whole week with her grandson. I'm going back down on Sunday for another week. It's nice because my mom will pick me up, and drop me off - like she did last week.

Ah - now onto the biggest news and my greatest stress of the moment. :::drumroll, please::: I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will repeat myself. I am most likely going to be a stay-at-home-mom. I will try to keep this as brief as possible, because I'm sure that I can go on and on about it.

Basically, here's the scoop. Because I was out on bed rest at 30 weeks, and have been out of work since then, I used up the 12 weeks I'm allowed under FMLA when Cael was 2 weeks old. At that point, I still had about 6 weeks of maternity leave left. Because my 12 weeks were up, I was informed that my job would be posted. Ok, that's fine and dandy. When I talked to my supervisor, we weren't even sure if anyone would apply for the job. Posting it was more of a "formality". That is, until I learned on Tuesday that my job was given to someone else.

Ten working days. That's the difference in time between when I would have returned after 6 weeks, versus when I would have returned after 8 weeks of leave. And the new person is starting on the day that I would have returned to work after 6 weeks. Real nice, huh? It's hard to not feel stabbed in the back, especially when I was told that I was "still considered part of the team."

I understand that FMLA only guarantees my job for 12 weeks, and after that it's up for grabs. But at the same time, they didn't have to post my job. Especially if they knew I had every intention of returning. I even had a daycare spot guaranteed for Cael when I was 9 weeks pregnant!!

After I heard this, Matt and I sat down and figured out our finances. We were trying to figure out if I'd be able to stay home with Cael, or if I should try to find another position - whether at Lourdes in another department, or at another facility all together. We figured out that if I were to return to Lourdes at the same pay rate, and have to pay the $630 a month for daycare and roughly $300 a month for gas, it wouldn't be worth it for what I'd be bringing home every 2 weeks. I would essentially be working to pay for gas and daycare. Therefore, Matt and I decided it would be better if I stayed home with Cael, and Matt possibly get a second job.

If I had the choice, I would prefer to stay home with Cael full-time. However, if my good credit was at risk, and if I would default on loans, I would rather work to pay for them. I love the idea of staying home, but I don't like how I was forced into this situation because my job was given away. But I'll stop venting here before I write something that I may regret.